Reply to Holidays at In-Laws vs. Home

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dude,  your MIL is sick. It doesn't sound like you or your husband are particularly mindful of this. It's not like she is coming and throwing fits or whatever. She's telling you that these visits are causing her pain / anxiety. I think a phone call is in order from your husband to simply tell her how much he'll miss her and to constantly reassure her that you don't want to cause her anxiety. but he also and maybe you could stand a few counseling sessions to understand what life is like for a bipolar person. It's not easy, but it's an illness and she probably cannot change it.

Can you invite her to your house? And just make it very open "if you can come, wonderful. If you begin to feel anxious, understood?" [/quote]

PP, thanks for your reply! We absolutely understand that she's sick, and that the visits cause her pain and anxiety--I'm sorry if that didn't come across in my original post. We've spoken with counselors; we help her with her medications. I have depression on my side of the family too, and I know very well that it's something that can be managed but will continue to affect interactions because it's a chronic condition. Totally understood. We've been flexible in the past, accommodating the illness and attempting to make her comfortable; for example, we actually had our entire wedding in a hotel, to give her ample space to leave if she had to at any point during the ceremony or reception. My mom invited her and the rest of the family to their home for Thanksgiving, so they can see DC without the stress of hosting. My husband has called several times to assure her that we don't want to add to anxieties. She feels very embarrassed if she comes down and can't make it to our place to see DC, and that leads to a spiral.

She's been to our home a few times, which is great when she's here. But often, she tries to assert independence in ways that she just can't: trying to walk a half-mile from her hotel to our place, for example, on an injured knee, when DH and I have offered to come pick her up to help her out. (She can't stay at our place or a hotel closer by, because she smokes and needs a smoking room.)

Less than asking what to do with my MIL, I'm looking for ways to bring up the conversation with DH in a non-hurtful way. Or ways to make flexible plans to accommodate whatever the holiday plans wind up being.[/quote]

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