How did your parents tell you - you were adopted and when?
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Anonymous
| My kids are under six. When they were little I read them a couple light books but that's it. If they asked a question, I answered it. Should I do more? |
Anonymous
Well, I just always "knew" that my sister and I were adopted...I don't remember a time when we were told. Also, we're a different race from our parents, so at some point, it would've been quite obvious  My parents at the time didn't know any of our adoption history and they were forthright about that. Just like I would imagine bio kids like to hear their birth story, we loved to hear our mom talk about how she and my dad got the call about getting twins when they were only expecting one and how my dad went into shock at hearing that, as well as what it was like when they went to the airport to pick us up and how my sister peed on my dad, etc. She was ahead of her time and made us what are now known as lifebooks, which we liked to look at. We also had the added complication of being an international adoption, so my parents had an additional element of culture/heritage to weave in.
I also adopted my first child. She is still young- 4- but we keep pictures of her foster family in her room and send letters to them. We talk about how she was adopted, just like her aunt and me and the boy across the street, and how she was in her birth mom's belly while her brother was in my belly. We talk about how loved she was and lucky to have three moms. She's asked a couple of tough questions that I tried to answer without giving more (age-inappropriate) details. We read books as well, but honestly, I'm not sure she really is old enough to truly understand adoption and what it means for her to have been adopted. I don't know if we're doing too much or too little. While i know each adoptee is different, I try to keep in mind how I as an adoptee liked things. I don't want to push the adoption thing too much because that's not the only thing that defines me and I think some parents can go overboard with things. |
Anonymous
As an adoptive parent, I think it's important that your kids know they were adopted. I don't think you have to make a big deal about it and glorify adoption or the birth family or dwell on it. But, I think if you don't correct misstatements from them, you send a message that something's wrong. For example, when my kids would say "when I was in your belly . . ." I would remind them that I didn't carry them. For my kids it was in first grade where they did an autobiography which asked questions that would definitely have led to me having to either lie or divulge their adoption had I not done it before. I was glad to have shared on my time schedule, not the one set by the school. |
Anonymous
So, do your kids know they are adopted or not? They really should not have a memorable moment of being told. When they look back, it should jsut be something they ahve always known, rather than an experience of having the rug ripped out from under them. |
Anonymous
| Just always knew. They had made an adoption picture album that I looked at often. Loved that album! |
Anonymous
Yes, you should do more. But then again, I doubt your serious. It's impossible in this day and age to get through a homestudy and an adoption process without this carefully being explained to you as well as most of the time you affirming that you understand to the social worker completing the homestudy. |
Anonymous
| It should just be a part of conversation and not a focus. Don't overdo it. When kids are ready, they will ask more. |
Anonymous
Then I would have to bring it up. I stopped reading the books because then it would make them stand out |
Anonymous
Kids won't ask more if they are given signals that the topic is off limits or makes you uncomfortable - which it appears is the case. Stop dragging your feet, and talk to them about it already. If you need help, try the Center fro Adoption Support and Education - www.adoptionsupport.org |
Anonymous
Kids will go through stages of interest with adoption. Some kids will care far more than others. If its not an issue in your home, just allow it to be normal/natural but not a big deal. You are their mom. Adoption is how your children joined your family. It should not define them or your family. |
Anonymous
ITA, but OP's kids should at least know that they joined the family through adoption. |
Anonymous
|
My husband is adopted. His father told him when he was 10 yo. Some of his parents' friends told there children, and my in-laws were concerned they would tell my husband. Some my FIL got drunk (a regular occurance) and told my husband. This would not be a recommended approach.
On the flip side, we have told our daughter since birth about any potentially "taboo" issues, that way they never become taboo. |
Anonymous
| My husband is adopted and was never told. He figured it out as an elementary aged kid and his parents had to come clean. To the rest of the world they continue to actively hide the fact. It's something only a handful of people know about him. |
Anonymous
| I have known for as long as I can remember. My parents read me books, explained everything, told me my adoption story over and over and over again, and most importantly, ALWAYS used positive words when talking about it. "Gave me up" or things like that were never said. As a teenager, I learned more and more and as I approached turning 18, my parents were incredibly supportive if I wanted to try to search for my birth parents (I had a closed adoption). I'm 26 now and have no real desire to search for them or see if they have left anything for me at the adoption agency, but my parents will from time to time, encourage me and reassure me that they won't be hurt by it. |
Anonymous
They know. She has talked about it in her home and read them books. Read the original post. It is not about telling them but about how much to do or not do. |