How did your parents tell you - you were adopted and when?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is adopted. His father told him when he was 10 yo. Some of his parents' friends told there children, and my in-laws were concerned they would tell my husband. Some my FIL got drunk (a regular occurance) and told my husband. This would not be a recommended approach.

On the flip side, we have told our daughter since birth about any potentially "taboo" issues, that way they never become taboo.

How do you handle taboo issues in an age appropriate way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is adopted. His father told him when he was 10 yo. Some of his parents' friends told there children, and my in-laws were concerned they would tell my husband. Some my FIL got drunk (a regular occurance) and told my husband. This would not be a recommended approach.

On the flip side, we have told our daughter since birth about any potentially "taboo" issues, that way they never become taboo.

How do you handle taboo issues in an age appropriate way?

I don't understand. Are you referring to adoption as a taboo issue?

[Anonymous]

ITA, but OP's kids should at least know that they joined the family through adoption.

They know. She has talked about it in her home and read them books. Read the original post. It is not about telling them but about how much to do or not do.

Little kids don't always really understand what adoption means. Just because they have heard the words, doesn't mean they get it if it hasn't really been an open topic of conversation. At age 4, DD could tell you she was adopted, but it took until she was 6 for her to truly understand that she had other parents, that there was a time she was not with us, that I did not give birth to her, etc. She would never have understood those things in a positive way if I simply mentioned the word adoption when she was a preschooler, and didn't have open dialogue with her over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should just be a part of conversation and not a focus. Don't overdo it. When kids are ready, they will ask more.

Then I would have to bring it up. I stopped reading the books because then it would make them stand out

Kids will go through stages of interest with adoption. Some kids will care far more than others. If its not an issue in your home, just allow it to be normal/natural but not a big deal. You are their mom. Adoption is how your children joined your family. It should not define them or your family.

ITA, but OP's kids should at least know that they joined the family through adoption.

They know. She has talked about it in her home and read them books. Read the original post. It is not about telling them but about how much to do or not do.

Based on the title of her post and her silence when she was asked if they knew, I don't see this as a foregone conclusion. All she says is that when they were little she read them a couple of light books and answered a couple of questions. She never once says she told them or that the questions her kids asked related to their own history or how old the kids were when she read to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is adopted. His father told him when he was 10 yo. Some of his parents' friends told there children, and my in-laws were concerned they would tell my husband. Some my FIL got drunk (a regular occurance) and told my husband. This would not be a recommended approach.

On the flip side, we have told our daughter since birth about any potentially "taboo" issues, that way they never become taboo.

How do you handle taboo issues in an age appropriate way?

I don't understand. Are you referring to adoption as a taboo issue?

No, not at all. I perhaps misunderstood the previous poster- I thought they meant they told their daughter all the nitty gritty details about the reasons for her adoption, not the fact that she was adopted. They said "since birth," so I thought that meant they told her the specific reason she was adopted when she was very young, as opposed to telling difficult details when generally understood to be more appropriate for the age.

Again, I don't think adoption is taboo at all. I am adopted and so is one of my kids. I'm happy to talk about adoption at any time with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is adopted. His father told him when he was 10 yo. Some of his parents' friends told there children, and my in-laws were concerned they would tell my husband. Some my FIL got drunk (a regular occurance) and told my husband. This would not be a recommended approach.

On the flip side, we have told our daughter since birth about any potentially "taboo" issues, that way they never become taboo.

How do you handle taboo issues in an age appropriate way?

I don't understand. Are you referring to adoption as a taboo issue?

No, not at all. I perhaps misunderstood the previous poster- I thought they meant they told their daughter all the nitty gritty details about the reasons for her adoption, not the fact that she was adopted. They said "since birth," so I thought that meant they told her the specific reason she was adopted when she was very young, as opposed to telling difficult details when generally understood to be more appropriate for the age.

Again, I don't think adoption is taboo at all. I am adopted and so is one of my kids. I'm happy to talk about adoption at any time with anyone.

Oh, sorry for my confusion. I interpreted the quotation marks around the word taboo to mean that the quoted poster really didn't think the issues were taboo. I thought she was saying "taboo" due to the OPs apparent discomfort and avoidance of the issue.

FWIW, we skirted some of the more difficult aspects of DD's adoption story by alluding to them only in broad, vague terms. But she completely understood the depth of the situation long before we thought she was ready to have it spelled out explicitly. We were surprised to overhear her talking to a trusted friend about it in very clear terms. She was not devastated by the realization of the hard facts the way we thought she would be.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand. Are you referring to adoption as a taboo issue?

No, not at all. I perhaps misunderstood the previous poster- I thought they meant they told their daughter all the nitty gritty details about the reasons for her adoption, not the fact that she was adopted. They said "since birth," so I thought that meant they told her the specific reason she was adopted when she was very young, as opposed to telling difficult details when generally understood to be more appropriate for the age.

Again, I don't think adoption is taboo at all. I am adopted and so is one of my kids. I'm happy to talk about adoption at any time with anyone.

Oh, sorry for my confusion. I interpreted the quotation marks around the word taboo to mean that the quoted poster really didn't think the issues were taboo. I thought she was saying "taboo" due to the OPs apparent discomfort and avoidance of the issue.

FWIW, we skirted some of the more difficult aspects of DD's adoption story by alluding to them only in broad, vague terms. But she completely understood the depth of the situation long before we thought she was ready to have it spelled out explicitly. We were surprised to overhear her talking to a trusted friend about it in very clear terms. She was not devastated by the realization of the hard facts the way we thought she would be.

How old is your child? When did she fully understand things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should just be a part of conversation and not a focus. Don't overdo it. When kids are ready, they will ask more.

Then I would have to bring it up. I stopped reading the books because then it would make them stand out

Kids will go through stages of interest with adoption. Some kids will care far more than others. If its not an issue in your home, just allow it to be normal/natural but not a big deal. You are their mom. Adoption is how your children joined your family. It should not define them or your family.

+1,000,000 I would like to give you a box of awesome sauce! I think too often we turn it into a bigger deal than it actually is.

Another "always knew" poster. My mom used to say the word "adoption" to me in a super sweet tone when I was in the crib so I would always associate it with good things. I also had some books. Being adopted did turn out to be a problem for me but only because my father and mother divorced when I was a toddler and then he and his family decided that as an adopted child they had no further obligation to me. I struggled with that for a very long time. Thankfully, my mother's family reacted in the opposite way so I had a rock to cling too. It still made me very happy when there was another adoption in our family and I was no longer the only one.

Anyway, as a result of my experience I think it's very important for the whole family to be sending the same message to the children. So even though I totally agree that that message should be "no big deal," it won't work if some folks in the family are telegraphing that it is a big deal. As the parent, it's your job to ensure that everyone is on the same page with what you want communicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't understand. Are you referring to adoption as a taboo issue?

No, not at all. I perhaps misunderstood the previous poster- I thought they meant they told their daughter all the nitty gritty details about the reasons for her adoption, not the fact that she was adopted. They said "since birth," so I thought that meant they told her the specific reason she was adopted when she was very young, as opposed to telling difficult details when generally understood to be more appropriate for the age.

Again, I don't think adoption is taboo at all. I am adopted and so is one of my kids. I'm happy to talk about adoption at any time with anyone.

Oh, sorry for my confusion. I interpreted the quotation marks around the word taboo to mean that the quoted poster really didn't think the issues were taboo. I thought she was saying "taboo" due to the OPs apparent discomfort and avoidance of the issue.

FWIW, we skirted some of the more difficult aspects of DD's adoption story by alluding to them only in broad, vague terms. But she completely understood the depth of the situation long before we thought she was ready to have it spelled out explicitly. We were surprised to overhear her talking to a trusted friend about it in very clear terms. She was not devastated by the realization of the hard facts the way we thought she would be.

How old is your child? When did she fully understand things?

She is 8 now. We overheard the conversation when she was 7.

[Anonymous]

The old way was not to tell unless asked or not to tell until they were a certain age (12, 18, whatever).

But we know now that is detrimental and not healthy. Kids should know they were adopted from day one and it should be discussed in healthy ways.