Derail conversations by focusing on semantics. Why do this?

[Anonymous]

I feel as though it is impossible to have a basic discussion on thoughts and ideas with my husband because he always wants to pick on semantics, word choices rather than understand what I'm commicating and develop the discussion. And it drives me nuts. It's boring and confrontational and always leaves me angry and frustrated. Anyone familiar with this sort of behavior? Why does he do this? Argh.

[Anonymous]

I find that semantics can be important. Communication is aided if you're able to speak with some precision. Sometimes unstated premises on which individuals disagree end up being the real barrier to communication.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. Thanks. I do think that's part of it, now that you mention it.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I don't argue too much, but I get so annoyed when he does this and replaces my word with his word that means just about the same thing.
me: Why are you angry?
him: I'm not angry, I'm upset.
Then we start conversating about words. I obviously am acknowledging you have a negative emotion about something, but I still don't know what it is, because you want to talk about the difference between angry and upset.

In our case, I think he uses euphemisms too much, and he thinks I label things too harshly. If I say something is bad, he might say, "It's not bad, it's just not optimal." I eventually get frustrated and say, "so we agree that such-and-such needs improvement." It's okay if we label it differently, but if we have a similar understanding of something, we can work together to improve whatever it is.

[Anonymous]

One of two things:
1)It is a way to belittle you. By attacking you on semantics, he is asserting his dominance, implying you are uneducated and/or of a lower class. Thus anything you say is invalid. He is a dick.

2)Asperger syndrome

Abnormalities in the subtle use of language and interpretation of language are common with Asperger's syndrome, although language development (grammar, syntax, etc.) is normal.
http://www.medicinenet.com/asperger_syndrome/article.htm

test him
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

[Anonymous]

My dh says "You NEVER do such and such!" And I get caught up in arguing that actually on occasion I do do such and such. I hate these blanket statements, especially coming from someone who normally prides himself on precision in language. But when he gets angry, he gets very insecure and gets white hot angry. It's useless to quibble over the accuracy of words with him when he gets like that.

[Anonymous]

semantics can mean a lot, as can tone of voice.


the difference between "hey, I could use your help with the dishes" and "get in here and help me with the dishes" is big. DH said the latter to me last night, after I had made dinner, bathed both kids and put both kids to sleep. I was sitting and reading my email and he was in the kitchen for a minute before ordering me to do the dishes. He, however, had no idea why I was so angry.

[Anonymous]

People who do that need choking, not that I would advise dong it. They thrive on irritating and controlling others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh says "You NEVER do such and such!" And I get caught up in arguing that actually on occasion I do do such and such. I hate these blanket statements, especially coming from someone who normally prides himself on precision in language. But when he gets angry, he gets very insecure and gets white hot angry. It's useless to quibble over the accuracy of words with him when he gets like that.

The word "never" nearly ruined my marriage. It just leads to trying to justify that "never" isn't true, which leads to comparing what one person does versus the other.

As to semantics, I sometime try very hard to nail DH down on what he really means, because he is very loose with his language, as am I somtimes. Once I learned to understand that he wasn't criticize what I said, but was trying to have a deeper understanding of what I was saying, things loosened up. I also learned to ask him what he meant when he was being imprecise and echoing back what he had said in my own words until we came to an understanding.

Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of two things:
1)It is a way to belittle you. By attacking you on semantics, he is asserting his dominance, implying you are uneducated and/or of a lower class. Thus anything you say is invalid. He is a dick.

2)Asperger syndrome

Abnormalities in the subtle use of language and interpretation of language are common with Asperger's syndrome, although language development (grammar, syntax, etc.) is normal.
http://www.medicinenet.com/asperger_syndrome/article.htm

test him
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

#1 was my STBXH who is borderline and narcissistic. He would do anything to avoid being wrong, which then meant he was indeed imperfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I don't argue too much, but I get so annoyed when he does this and replaces my word with his word that means just about the same thing.
me: Why are you angry?
him: I'm not angry, I'm upset.
Then we start conversating about words. I obviously am acknowledging you have a negative emotion about something, but I still don't know what it is, because you want to talk about the difference between angry and upset.

In our case, I think he uses euphemisms too much, and he thinks I label things too harshly. If I say something is bad, he might say, "It's not bad, it's just not optimal." I eventually get frustrated and say, "so we agree that such-and-such needs improvement." It's okay if we label it differently, but if we have a similar understanding of something, we can work together to improve whatever it is.

Be careful that what you think are two works that mean just about the same thing are in fact synonyms. In your example, they are not. To be angry is to be upset AT something or ABOUT something. Being upset can be the emotion without target or direction. They don't necessarily mean the same thing.

And a way to avoid the argument about diction is to not engage. In your example:

You: Why are you angry?
Him: I'm not angry, I'm upset.
You: Well, what are you upset about?

If you don't engage the word change, you can get to what you originally asked. But be aware that your husband is not the only person that feels that semantics matter and semantics can make an entire conversation have different meanings. For a basic understanding of how this works (if you care), see Deborah Tannen's books "You Just Don't Understand" and "That's Not What I Meant". And you'll see how communication styles including word choice and semantics can make a difference. Note, for anyone who has any knowledge of linguistics, these books are more "Linguistics for Dummies", but they have helped many people understand how to work around different communication styles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel as though it is impossible to have a basic discussion on thoughts and ideas with my husband because he always wants to pick on semantics, word choices rather than understand what I'm commicating and develop the discussion. And it drives me nuts. It's boring and confrontational and always leaves me angry and frustrated. Anyone familiar with this sort of behavior? Why does he do this? Argh.

+1. I realized he does it because he does not want to talk about the substantive issue, so he tries to derail the conversation by focusing on my choice of words, even when what I am saying is very clear. extremely unnerving and even humiliating (English is not my first language, and my English is not perfect. however, I am a professional and work in English, and never had any problems with my bosses, clients and friends). he is the one who cannot understand what I say and has to correct my words when I am raising important issues about our relationship. it took my a while to realize it was him and not me. clearly our relationship is not in good shape and I am ready to move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that semantics can be important. Communication is aided if you're able to speak with some precision. Sometimes unstated premises on which individuals disagree end up being the real barrier to communication.

That depends on what the meaning of "is" is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of two things:
1)It is a way to belittle you. By attacking you on semantics, he is asserting his dominance, implying you are uneducated and/or of a lower class. Thus anything you say is invalid. He is a dick.

2)Asperger syndrome

Abnormalities in the subtle use of language and interpretation of language are common with Asperger's syndrome, although language development (grammar, syntax, etc.) is normal.
http://www.medicinenet.com/asperger_syndrome/article.htm

test him
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

#1 was my STBXH who is borderline and narcissistic. He would do anything to avoid being wrong, which then meant he was indeed imperfect.

New poster. MINE TOO!!! I was thinking exactly the same thing when reading this thread!!! Hope your divorce is going better than mine went!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I don't argue too much, but I get so annoyed when he does this and replaces my word with his word that means just about the same thing.
me: Why are you angry?
him: I'm not angry, I'm upset.
Then we start conversating about words. I obviously am acknowledging you have a negative emotion about something, but I still don't know what it is, because you want to talk about the difference between angry and upset.

In our case, I think he uses euphemisms too much, and he thinks I label things too harshly. If I say something is bad, he might say, "It's not bad, it's just not optimal." I eventually get frustrated and say, "so we agree that such-and-such needs improvement." It's okay if we label it differently, but if we have a similar understanding of something, we can work together to improve whatever it is.

Be careful that what you think are two works that mean just about the same thing are in fact synonyms. In your example, they are not. To be angry is to be upset AT something or ABOUT something. Being upset can be the emotion without target or direction. They don't necessarily mean the same thing.

And a way to avoid the argument about diction is to not engage. In your example:

You: Why are you angry?
Him: I'm not angry, I'm upset.
You: Well, what are you upset about?

If you don't engage the word change, you can get to what you originally asked. But be aware that your husband is not the only person that feels that semantics matter and semantics can make an entire conversation have different meanings. For a basic understanding of how this works (if you care), see Deborah Tannen's books "You Just Don't Understand" and "That's Not What I Meant". And you'll see how communication styles including word choice and semantics can make a difference. Note, for anyone who has any knowledge of linguistics, these books are more "Linguistics for Dummies", but they have helped many people understand how to work around different communication styles.

I agree. Also, angry and upset are two different states of mind entirely. Many people use "angry" as a catchall phrase for "not happy" and that leads to misunderstandings. It's not that you are labelling the same things differently; it's that you are assigning meaning to things he is saying (or worse, his states of mind/emotions) in ways that suggest you do not understand what he is trying to convey.

My DH is like you - virtually everything he says when in an emotional state is expressed in superlatives ("angry"; "terrible"; "disastrous" etc.). It makes it very hard to understand what he is feeling and what he needs, when everything is expressed in crisis terms. Also, when a bona fide crisis does hit, it's hard to recognize it because he cries semantic wolf so often.