Can you recommend a family therapist? We need help with MIL.

[Anonymous]

My mother in law has a history of not getting along with people - primarily due to being judgmental and alientating friends and family. She and her husband (though married) have fought for years, and they go through long periods of time when they don't speak to one another. This year, she turned her focus on my husband and me and she and my husband are not getting along at all. There have been several awful fights between them this year in particular, and we haven't spoken to or seen her since May. In May, my husband asked her to please get together with both of us so we can talk through the issues between us, but she refused to go if I was involved. As many of her accusations involved me personally, my husband didn't want to go and have some big conciliation if I wasn't involved, so we decided to just take a break from her and the relationship in general. And before people start piping up that we're problem and I'm not looking at it from her side, let me just say that her accusations are utterly, wholly devoid of any factual basis and are, quite frankly, laughable. It would almost be funny if she wasn't so mean.

Anyway...we haven't seen her since May; she also hasn't seen or spoken to her grandchildren since then. It has been an unsettling time. On the one hand, we've been free of the drama and anger and hurt that she brings to our lives. On the other hand, neither of us are comfortable having a relative we don't speak to - it seems so extreme and unhealthy. However, it's clearly not healthy to have someone in our lives who is full of anger and slings nasty and inaccurate accusations at us.

We would like to make one last effort to rebuild the relationship before we give up entirely, and we're thinking of proposing that we all go to family counseling. I doubt she'll agree, but on the off chance that she would do it, can anyone recommend someone local (DC or MD) who could work with a profoundly dysfunctional family to help us rebuild our relationship?

Many thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

shelley karliner in NW Dc on Van Ness. 202-244-0442.

she's not a family therpaist, per se, but my dh and i did ocuples therapy with her for a year and i did individual with her for a long time and did one session with my mom and me with her (my mother would have liked to do more, but i couldn't deal with it).

dh and i primarily had MIL issues, so we vaguely discussed the idea of family therapy but MIl would never, ever admit she neededany kind of help for anything, so it was a no-go.

she's really good - even-handed. very able to see between the lines.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. Thank god DH and I are on the exact same page with regard to MIL; he and I happily don't need therapy with regard to our issues with her - we need someone to almost mediate a discussion between us and her and help us all work through our issues with one another.

That being said, I am 99.99% sure she will never agree to it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. Thank god DH and I are on the exact same page with regard to MIL; he and I happily don't need therapy with regard to our issues with her - we need someone to almost mediate a discussion between us and her and help us all work through our issues with one another.

That being said, I am 99.99% sure she will never agree to it.

[Anonymous]

OP, sometimes having a relative that you don't speak to is less unhealthy than having a relationship with a confrontational, aggressive, and mentally unstable person.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry I don't have specific recs in the area, but I did want to suggest that you and DH might want to do a couple sessions with a therapist or family social worker before you get in touch with MIL and make the offer. It could be really helpful to have someone help you systematically work through your goals for a relationship with MIL. What sacrifices are you willing to make to have that relationship? At what point will you know that the relationship isn't worth it? Are you equally invested in this project? If getting back in touch with MIL causes you stress as individual or as a couple, what are your coping strategies?

I say this because, for convoluted reasons, my partner and I had to do some counseling sessions even though we weren't having problems as a couple. I was doubtful, but it was actually a really helpful experiences and made us feel like a stronger team.

[Anonymous]

12:02, that's a nice idea. I hadn't thought of that, but you're right, we should be really clear on what would cause us to walk away or what we're looking for out of her to feel satisfied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother in law has a history of not getting along with people - primarily due to being judgmental and alientating friends and family. She and her husband (though married) have fought for years, and they go through long periods of time when they don't speak to one another. This year, she turned her focus on my husband and me and she and my husband are not getting along at all. There have been several awful fights between them this year in particular, and we haven't spoken to or seen her since May. In May, my husband asked her to please get together with both of us so we can talk through the issues between us, but she refused to go if I was involved. As many of her accusations involved me personally, my husband didn't want to go and have some big conciliation if I wasn't involved, so we decided to just take a break from her and the relationship in general. And before people start piping up that we're problem and I'm not looking at it from her side, let me just say that her accusations are utterly, wholly devoid of any factual basis and are, quite frankly, laughable. It would almost be funny if she wasn't so mean.

Anyway...we haven't seen her since May; she also hasn't seen or spoken to her grandchildren since then. It has been an unsettling time. On the one hand, we've been free of the drama and anger and hurt that she brings to our lives. On the other hand, neither of us are comfortable having a relative we don't speak to - it seems so extreme and unhealthy. However, it's clearly not healthy to have someone in our lives who is full of anger and slings nasty and inaccurate accusations at us.

We would like to make one last effort to rebuild the relationship before we give up entirely, and we're thinking of proposing that we all go to family counseling. I doubt she'll agree, but on the off chance that she would do it, can anyone recommend someone local (DC or MD) who could work with a profoundly dysfunctional family to help us rebuild our relationship?

Many thanks in advance.

Its unhealthy to obsess about insisting someone can and will change because you want them to do so. Your MIL is who she is. No ammount of family counseling will fix her but it might help you deal with whatever guilt or bad feelings you have that your MIL is not the person you want her to be.

[Anonymous]

Instead of proposing family therapy, which I think has little chance of success in these circumstances, I would simply send greeting cards once a month and on all major holidays. Keep the messages light and short. "We are thinking of you and hope you are doing well. Please let us hear from you!"

From experience, I can tell you that with someone like this, family therapy can become just another failure to obsess over and more grist for the mill.

[Anonymous]

http://local.yahoo.com/info-12510215-kutzer-carol-kutzer-carol-silver-spring#reviews

I used Carol Kutzer for some family counseling many years ago and found her superb. The issue was with my elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

MIL will not change.
YOU can only change your reaction to her, to lower your expectations, stress and anxiety.

Say you only see her if the whole family gets together, at Christmas, for example.
Then she can work the room and may not even get to you! If she does, let the comments roll off you and stare at her without comment if she starts being nasty. Witnesses helps a lot.

If she is as poisonous as you say, I would NOT get together with her with just DH and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL will not change.
YOU can only change your reaction to her, to lower your expectations, stress and anxiety.

Say you only see her if the whole family gets together, at Christmas, for example.
Then she can work the room and may not even get to you! If she does, let the comments roll off you and stare at her without comment if she starts being nasty. Witnesses helps a lot.

If she is as poisonous as you say, I would NOT get together with her with just DH and the kids.

I agree we cannot change her even though that would be my dream. I think I need to let go of that. I'd love to follow your suggestions re: holidays but the problem is that DH is an only child, and my ILs do not host ANY holidays (or dinners or anything) due to some issues with their house (borderline hoarding issues) so every holiday is at our house. There's no one else in the room to 'work' other than us and our kids. She isn't nasty to my face; she does all her work behind my back.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else have a therapist or counselor they'd recommend to mediate issues with a relative (or MIL, specifically)?

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, OP. My MIL is a wolf in sheeps clothing, very antagonistic. Then she feigns oblivion. Very predictable and extremely tiresome, as anyone could imagine. It's as if she feels she has to have a say and she ends up ganging up on me. We involve her very little for this reason, but she still manages to try to f$ck things up. She wants everyone to be like her. We are no followers! Point is, it might be more frustrating to try to involve her and her old tired ways.

[Anonymous]

YOU and YOUR HUSBAND need the consuling without the MIL to come to grips with reality and be OK with it.

Bringing MIL to a counsler or the mere suggestion will be another exercise in hurt and frustration.

I'm estranged from my father. Though not ideal for me or the children, the alternative is much worse. Once you accept that she will never ever been the MIL/Mother/Grandmother you dreamed of and that she is simply a rotten person who will die miserable, you will feel much better having freed yourself.