Four-year-old mean girl -- wwyd?

[Anonymous]

Hi, my DD has developmental delays and is in a county preschool program so we don't do a lot of playdates because she has to work so hard at all the social and other stuff at preschool and always seemed to prefer having down time on the weekends. Plus, we've never had neighborhood kids her age to play with. Anyway, DD has always been extremely shy but recently seems to be blossoming in terms of being more outgoing and initiating friendly interactions with other children, which truly has been amazing and such an exciting development given the challenges she's faced. So, we recently met a family who is new to our neighborhood and happily invited their four-year-old child over to play while the parents ran errands and did other things to get settled. Admittedly, I was so excited about the prospect of having a nearby friend for DD and making a good impression on the girl and her family that I went overboard and you seriously would have thought the in-laws were coming over for the first time or something the way I stayed up all night cleaning, setting up toys, etc. Unfortunately, it turned out that the little girl was mean to my daughter, controlling about what they played and how they played it, refused to play with my DD (e.g., she would get on the swingset but tell DD that she didn't want DD to swing on the other swing), pouted and stomped off if she didn't get her way, and engaged in sophisticated efforts to psychologically and physically exclude my DD. My DD was so excited about having a playmate over but completely puzzled by this child. The final straw for me was when the little girl made a big production of taking my hand in a very queen-bee way and saying "YOU and ME can go off an play together" and made a big show of trying to totally exclude my DD. I was pretty shocked by this behavior since she's only four. The end result is now I don't really want my DD playing with this child and, frankly, I'm not sure my DD wants to play with her anyway, but I'm not sure what to do now that I've befriended the family and set up multiple playdates. I don't want this bad experience to hamper my DD's early efforts at initiating friendships but I also don't want to assume the worst of a four-year-old. I guess I'm wondering whether you would just try to coach more and make it clear to the little girl that meanness is not tolerated or would you mention the behavior to the parents? TIA!

[Anonymous]

I feel for you because I was in that position to some degree before.

What I had to do - learn that other kids have problems too and that it is often the other child who is the issue not your own.

Don't invite this girl over again. Seek out another child.

[Anonymous]

Does the other girl go to school? I ask b/c it doesn't sound like she's well socialized. From how you describe her, I can't tell if she's "mean" or just has no clue on how to play with another kid. Either way, she is not a playmate for your DD.

You can ask your daughter's teachers for good playdate matches.

[Anonymous]

How about kneeling down and saying to this girl "You are acting like a mean girl. We don't act that way in our family."

[Anonymous]

ask the parents to attend the next playdate. If they are ok with the behavior, then cancel the next, say something came up. If they work with their dd then maybe you've found another family who you can get along with b/c you both work with your daughters even if they have difficulties.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it's worth putting two socially challenged kids together. A lot of work, professionals are usually hired to do this in social skills groups. OP, find another playmate for your daughter: someone with great social skills that can model appropriate behaviors and your daughter will have fun playing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about kneeling down and saying to this girl "You are acting like a mean girl. We don't act that way in our family."

This is what I'd do. Supervise the playdates. Nip any bad behavior in the bud, post haste. Let this other lttle girl what is and what is not acceptable at your house.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the suggestions. I did supervise the playdate the entire time since my DD sometimes needs some coaching about questions she can ask to facilitate playing with another child. I actually wound up not needing to do much of that but perhaps I nevertheless was too involved in their play since the other child decided I was her new BFF to the exclusion of my DD. The other child is in preschool and has been for a couple of years, FWIW, so this isn't a situation where the child hasn't had a lot of social exposure outside the home. Honestly, I guess I haven't had enough experience with playdates to build confidence about how to intervene with someone else's child without worrying about offending the parents. I still feel quite awkward about that. But I'm also not willing to let another child railroad my shy, sweet DD's efforts to be a good playmate at her own home. I think at least one other playdate it going to be unavoidable but I like the suggestion of trying to have one of the parents there part of the time to observe the behavior if I can finagle that gracefully. Thanks again for the comments!

[Anonymous]

I second the idea of having the parents there for the next playdate (you can invite them with the excuse that you personally want to hang out, get to know them better, share some coffee, whatever). I think it would give you a good idea of whether the parents think this is acceptable behavior. If they seem to be ok with the behavior, then no need to have further playdates (it would likely just get worse), but if it's something they're surprised to see (honestly sometimes kids can just act strange in a new setting) or working really hard to prevent the behavior, then maybe you can gauge from them how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about kneeling down and saying to this girl "You are acting like a mean girl. We don't act that way in our family."

First of all, NO this is not appropriate feedback for a 4 year old. If you give feedback on behavior, make it specific. "Susie, the swings are for everyone to use." "Tommy we share the toys."

Unfortunately, OP, since you live near these people, I would not go overboard trying address her bratty behavior if the parents don't. You still have to be their neighbors. Just cancel out gracefully of any future play dates for now. As your daughter gets older, she may become better equipped at dealing with peer relationships, so you don't want to permanently alienate them.

I would echo the suggestion of finding an appropriate play date among her school friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the suggestions. I did supervise the playdate the entire time since my DD sometimes needs some coaching about questions she can ask to facilitate playing with another child. I actually wound up not needing to do much of that but perhaps I nevertheless was too involved in their play since the other child decided I was her new BFF to the exclusion of my DD. The other child is in preschool and has been for a couple of years, FWIW, so this isn't a situation where the child hasn't had a lot of social exposure outside the home. Honestly, I guess I haven't had enough experience with playdates to build confidence about how to intervene with someone else's child without worrying about offending the parents. I still feel quite awkward about that. But I'm also not willing to let another child railroad my shy, sweet DD's efforts to be a good playmate at her own home. I think at least one other playdate it going to be unavoidable but I like the suggestion of trying to have one of the parents there part of the time to observe the behavior if I can finagle that gracefully. Thanks again for the comments!

But don't assume that because the other child was in daycare she has more "social" experience. As someone point out up thread, some kids do need an adult to intervene and show them social skills. It just seems like this child probably needs as much or more intervention as your own child making her not an ideal choice for a playdate partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if it's worth putting two socially challenged kids together. A lot of work, professionals are usually hired to do this in social skills groups. OP, find another playmate for your daughter: someone with great social skills that can model appropriate behaviors and your daughter will have fun playing with.

Do you even have an SN kid? "Worth it?" Honestly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if it's worth putting two socially challenged kids together. A lot of work, professionals are usually hired to do this in social skills groups. OP, find another playmate for your daughter: someone with great social skills that can model appropriate behaviors and your daughter will have fun playing with.

Do you even have an SN kid? "Worth it?" Honestly!

Yes, I have a SN kid and SN nephews around the same age, all with social issues. We may get together as a family but no, I don't put them together purposely to learn social skills from each other b/c they don't. They all parallel play which at their ages, 5, 6, 7 isn't helpful for socialization.

[Anonymous]

OP, what about inviting over a friend from your dd's preschool class to play?

[Anonymous]

speaking from someone who has a DC that is socially awkward and has difficulty interacting and playing with others, I don't think finding other playdates may be the solution. You may run into the problem where your DC is now the "problem" child and the other parents/kids won't want to have playdates with your child (happened with me). If the other kid also has some issues, it's a good environment to show them how to play together and facilitate the playdate a bit more.

Also, if you invite the parents to your house for the other playdate, it might not give you a good indication of how the parents feel about the situation - they may be more invested in getting to know you and you will be more inclined to entertain the adults - leaving the kids to fend more for themselves than when only one parent is around.

My DC has similar issues to the neighbor kid - he is an only child and when we have a playdate, he has difficulty knowing how to play with peers. He often solicits the adults to play with him (ignoring the playmate) or will just play by himself and ignore the playmate. I keep encouraging him to play with his guest, but it's difficult. Friends with issues tend to play better with him because they are dealing with their own issues and don't take as much offense to DC's behavior. More "normal" kids get frustrated and don't want to play with him - they are slowly separating from us and no longer accepting playdates.

My recommendation would be to be involved in the playdate as much as possible (like you were) but try teaching the neighbor kid to play with your DD. Say things like "When you come over to DD's house to play, we play (swing) together and don't leave anyone out." and immediately put DD on the swing next to her. When she stomps off because she doesn't get her way (which doesn't sound like that's a reflection on your DD) you can jump in and continue playing the game with your DD and tell neighbor that you and DD will be glad to have her join you when she's ready. When she grabs your hand (and excludes DD), you remove your hand and tell her that she can hold DD's hand but not yours (point blank - with no judgment or lecture).

These are just some things I've done with my DC that tended to work. I (of course) had to do those things with the playmate and not my DC (I would sit down and play with playmate and tell DC, we'd love to have him join us when he's ready to come back) and I would constantly remind him that when we invite a friend over to play, we all play together and don't exclude anyone - it reminds him why we invited friend in the first place.

Good luck.