DH angry during cycle treatments

[Anonymous]

We have been ttc for more than three years. I'm pcos and dh is normal. We have tried met, clomid and injectibles. We have done 9 monitored cycles with three as iui. All during the 18 months of met sickness, like vomiting for the day every couple weeks, dh nursed me and sweetly took care of me. But, every time DH has to bring a sample to the dr office (diagnostic and for iui), we get in a huge fight. It starts as a simmer a few days before he needs to deliver and then the day of the delivery turns into an explosion. We never fought like this before ttc. I'm stressed enough at this level. Now my dr wants to start ivf and I'm not sure if DH can handle it let alone if I can since I'm the one trying to be the strong supportive rational one. What can I do?

[Anonymous]

I'm missing something. Why is DH angry "every time he has to bring a sample to the Dr.'s office"? Is it because it's embarrassing? Takes too much time away from work? Why is he so angry?

[Anonymous]

OP here. He isn't clear on why. I suspect embarrassment and lack of control, but I can't get answers from him. he hasn't reflected on why with me. Those few days are communication black holes. He will lose it over anything and everything on those days. He always apologizes but I'd rather not need an apology. It makes me want to give up.

[Anonymous]

Having a kid is way harder than bringing samples somewhere ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He isn't clear on why. I suspect embarrassment and lack of control, but I can't get answers from him. he hasn't reflected on why with me. Those few days are communication black holes. He will lose it over anything and everything on those days. He always apologizes but I'd rather not need an apology. It makes me want to give up.

I think your DH doesn't like going to the office to do the deposit. And he probably thinks about it all up until d-day. My husband avoided going to the office for nearly a year. He always made some excuse not to do it. Finally after many tears and me telling him in vivid detail about what we have to go through, he just went with it and accepted it as what has to be done to get it done.

Continue to be patient if you can, and really try to talk to him. Also you have got to have sex outside of your fertile time. If not already, engage him in relations for pure pleasure not baby making. That really helped my situation.

[Anonymous]

When I was lying there on the clinic bed with my IV and surgical gown waiting for my egg retrieval, and my husband was led away to watch some porn and masturbate, I just thought how unfair this whole process is... And then he came back all relaxed just before I was wheeled away and put under anesthesia...

I suppose your DH has a personal issue with the sample delivery, but he really should realize that you are going through worse things. I'm sorry you are in that situation. At least he apologizes, so he probably does know that he doesn't really have a reason to complain.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you heard of NaPro technology? It allows for sampling without masturbation. It is not wrong for your husband to have reservations. Please consider looking into alternatives that take his feelings into account--maybe he doesn't want masturbation and porn to be part of having children with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you heard of NaPro technology? It allows for sampling without masturbation. It is not wrong for your husband to have reservations. Please consider looking into alternatives that take his feelings into account--maybe he doesn't want masturbation and porn to be part of having children with you.

I know this post was made with the best of intentions, but I think that if you are going to recommend a treatment that is rooted in a particular religion and its belief system (in this case Catholicism), you should make it clear that you are doing so. OP may be Catholic and this may be helpful to her, but the treatment you suggest is also promoted by people who are very critical and judgmental about IVF. I don't think it's kind or helpful to direct someone to those resources without clarifying that. I am also not aware that NaPro allows for sampling without masturbation...for PCOS it may offer methods to treat the ovaries, but I don't see how you can sample without, um, producing a sample.

[Anonymous]

Why does he have to go into the office? When we did our 3 IUI (and the test before any treatment) at SG, my husband was allowed to masturbate at home, put his sample into the container provided by the clinic and take it there within 1 hour. I got pregnant 2 times this way, so clearly it is safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you heard of NaPro technology? It allows for sampling without masturbation. It is not wrong for your husband to have reservations. Please consider looking into alternatives that take his feelings into account--maybe he doesn't want masturbation and porn to be part of having children with you.

I know this post was made with the best of intentions, but I think that if you are going to recommend a treatment that is rooted in a particular religion and its belief system (in this case Catholicism), you should make it clear that you are doing so. OP may be Catholic and this may be helpful to her, but the treatment you suggest is also promoted by people who are very critical and judgmental about IVF. I don't think it's kind or helpful to direct someone to those resources without clarifying that. I am also not aware that NaPro allows for sampling without masturbation...for PCOS it may offer methods to treat the ovaries, but I don't see how you can sample without, um, producing a sample.

I apologize--I was typing too late at night, and I should have been more gentle and thorough in my post. It is true that NaPro technology operates within the moral framework of Catholicism. I don't know if OP or her husband is Catholic, but the way she described her husband's anger, which is limited to this specific issue and is otherwise loving and supportive of her, it made me think he may have moral qualms about the treatment. It's something I have seen more than once.

It is also true that NaPro does not utilize IVF, because that is illicit, but it does have a far more comprehensive and strenuous approach to healing infertility than most secular OBs, precisely because certain technologies are not licit. Simply because they have to work with a limited number of morally licit options, so they need to make those options count--does that make sense?

I have PCOS, OP. The secular doctors I went to wanted to go straight from Metformin to Clomid to IUI to IVF, because that is the progression they are accustomed to. But that is not the only option, especially when you are suffering from PCOS and have a healthy husband. Would you even consider a consultation with a doctor who specializes in NaPro technology? Its success rates sometimes surpass secular medicine's. If it gives your husband peace of mind, would it be worth a try?

Of course, if her husband's reservations are not moral ones, then this does not apply.

Oh, and the way a sperm sample is obtained is quite simple: the couple has sex while using a certain kind of condom, which is perforated. That way, the act is still "open to life," because pregnancy is still possible, but a sample may be obtained for study. So no porn or masturbation is required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he have to go into the office? When we did our 3 IUI (and the test before any treatment) at SG, my husband was allowed to masturbate at home, put his sample into the container provided by the clinic and take it there within 1 hour. I got pregnant 2 times this way, so clearly it is safe.

+1. This was my immediate thought too. He did this to bring a sample to SG - they wanted him to produce the sample at home, then we drove it all the way around the beltway (no traffic, it was an odd hour).

Could YOU drop off the sample. In case it is annoying to drive, or embarrassing to show up with it?

[Anonymous]

Oh, and the way a sperm sample is obtained is quite simple: the couple has sex while using a certain kind of condom, which is perforated. That way, the act is still "open to life," because pregnancy is still possible, but a sample may be obtained for study. So no porn or masturbation is required.

That is really interesting. It strikes me that that should be an option that is more widely available with secular doctors. Not necessarily being porn and masturbation are bad, but because it just provides another way to do things that could be far more comfortable for the couple.

OP, I just wonder if your husband might feel angry with the reminder (by going to the clinic) that for whatever reason, you're not able to conceive naturally. The rest of the time, he's probably able to push it to the back of his mind, but when he has to make an appointment to provide a sample, there's no ignoring it. I think that we tend not to think about how all these procedures affect the men in our lives: part of that is because as women, we often have the harder job in terms of invasive tests etc; and men are generally not as upfront with their feelings as women are, and feel they have to remain stoic.

Maybe if you're able to open up a conversation with your husband at a less stressful time he might feel willing to talk a little bit about this. I think you both really have to be on the same page before pursuing IVF.

[Anonymous]

It may be too that your husband has a lot of emotion and thoughts about the whole ttc process but doesn't really have a forum to express them as he needs to be sweet and caring and take care of you all the time. He doesn't want to add additional stress to you and he is probably already walking on eggshells so he bottles it all up. Then in the moment that is the hardest for him, it all comes out as anger.

I think you need a frank discussion at a calm time to make sure this is what he really wants. He he really on board with this whole process, does he feel he could say he wasn't comfortable with it if he wanted to. How far does he really want to go with TTC. It may be hard for him to see what it is doing to you and maybe he needs a break from the ttc rollercoaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh, and the way a sperm sample is obtained is quite simple: the couple has sex while using a certain kind of condom, which is perforated. That way, the act is still "open to life," because pregnancy is still possible, but a sample may be obtained for study. So no porn or masturbation is required.

That is really interesting. It strikes me that that should be an option that is more widely available with secular doctors. Not necessarily being porn and masturbation are bad, but because it just provides another way to do things that could be far more comfortable for the couple.

OP, I just wonder if your husband might feel angry with the reminder (by going to the clinic) that for whatever reason, you're not able to conceive naturally. The rest of the time, he's probably able to push it to the back of his mind, but when he has to make an appointment to provide a sample, there's no ignoring it. I think that we tend not to think about how all these procedures affect the men in our lives: part of that is because as women, we often have the harder job in terms of invasive tests etc; and men are generally not as upfront with their feelings as women are, and feel they have to remain stoic.

Maybe if you're able to open up a conversation with your husband at a less stressful time he might feel willing to talk a little bit about this. I think you both really have to be on the same page before pursuing IVF.

I couldn't agree more. It seems obvious that it would bring the couple closer together during the process, and then they could feel more that they were conceiving by making love, still.

I recall an article on Slate when a guy described his experience leaving a sample for IVF. He talked about how he selected the porn, how asexual he felt leading up to the appointment, how ugly the room was, with used tissues in the wastebasket. I couldn't help but be grossed out by the description, and wonder what his child would think someday, knowing that her/his dad masturbated to someone besides their mother...

No matter what your faith, I would think that making love to obtain a sample would be preferable to that!

[Anonymous]

I couldn't help but be grossed out by the description, and wonder what his child would think someday, knowing that her/his dad masturbated to someone besides their mother...

Honestly, I'm grossed out by the idea that my parents had just regular sex to have me. But I understand your point. I am sure there are some men who find that process extremely tawdry (just like there are some men who might not care a bit) and I'm all in favor of options.