Is admiring the vibe of private students a shallow motivation for sending our children to private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Entitlement.

I went to a fancy private school. While I don't think it's exactly "entitlement", that's the best word I can come up with. A critical component of my education was being told that I could do anything, and I belonged everywhere. The education itself was great, but the idea that I was "good enough" for anything was the most valuable thing my schooling imparted to me. I have never once wondered whether I belonged in a room or a meeting. Even when, literally, meeting the POTUS. Personally, I think everyone should be taught that they are as worthy as anyone else. I don't think private school kids or rich people are anything special. But most people are taught to "know their place". And the best gift I've ever been given was the knowledge that my "place" was anywhere I wanted it to be.

I could have written this (but probably wouldn't have said it as well). All the way down to meeting POTUS (not the current one). Anyway, I see this manifested in certain situations involving me and my husband. I don't feel uncomfortable in places but he has often questioned if we "belong" somewhere. I do think another part of that is the exposure I had to those kinds of places (country clubs, very fancy hotels, etc.) growing up, but the other part is what I got from my private school and the sense of knowing that I can own (figuratively) any space I'm in. I have had multiple people comment on my confidence growing up and during my career and I definitely got that from school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I have seen unpolite kids in both worlds. I have seen brand clothes/electronics crazyness in both worlds.

Kids in private schools have more opportunities to speak in public and/or show their work. But many of them, are, indeed, very entitled (but because their parents are entitled).

So, whatever you choose, have in mind that the values your DC learn at home are more important than anything. And, as someone said above, kindness should be on your top list. This is missing everywhere, public and private.

I don't think that's necessarily true. At my private and at my kids' current private, there is a big emphasis on community service, kindness, inclusion, etc. The schools have the luxury of spending time on stuff like this because they aren't bogged down by state requirements, standardized tests, etc.

[Anonymous]

Consider that the students and families at private schools are carefully vetted and hand selected for certain traits and qualities.

It's not the school. Had those same families not been admitted, and had their offspring gone to public school, they still would belong to the country club and would have adopted the same sets of behaviors and affectations. There are public school families at the well-known country clubs, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Entitlement.

I went to a fancy private school. While I don't think it's exactly "entitlement", that's the best word I can come up with. A critical component of my education was being told that I could do anything, and I belonged everywhere. The education itself was great, but the idea that I was "good enough" for anything was the most valuable thing my schooling imparted to me. I have never once wondered whether I belonged in a room or a meeting. Even when, literally, meeting the POTUS. Personally, I think everyone should be taught that they are as worthy as anyone else. I don't think private school kids or rich people are anything special. But most people are taught to "know their place". And the best gift I've ever been given was the knowledge that my "place" was anywhere I wanted it to be.

thanks for expressing it this way. this is what i hope my kids feel. I don't think private is the only way to achieve it, but this is it.

We as parents can also teach this feeling.

If you have a child of color, it's much harder to impart this value on your own. It's probably why studies show that going to an elite college doesn't really matter for white kids in the long run (assuming they can get in, but choose to go to a lower-priced alternative), but have an elite educational pedigree does make a measurable difference for minorities.

Do these studies account for family characteristics? My guess is that these colleges would also make a difference for non-minority students coming from disadvantaged families or areas with poor quality public education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider that the students and families at private schools are carefully vetted and hand selected for certain traits and qualities.

It's not the school. Had those same families not been admitted, and had their offspring gone to public school, they still would belong to the country club and would have adopted the same sets of behaviors and affectations. There are public school families at the well-known country clubs, after all.

+1

Sorry to break it to you all, but this has nothing to do with the school and everything to do with the family / upbringing. There are rude, disrespectful, entitled kids at both public and private schools.

[Anonymous]

I come from a “private school family,” including well known NE boarding schools but I rebelled and went to public, albeit a smallish one in a very UMC/rich Suburban area. In high school my tastes and views and aspirations were often caught between my family’s and my school mates‘. I preferred to be more like my friends (of course) and fought with my family frequently. Even though my friends had successful, college-educated parents, there was a difference in expectations, manners and viewpoints on what was important and achievable in life between their families and mine.

Once I grew up a bit and began to understand the differences, I was in college. The nuance was crystal clear to me by my 20s. My kids are in private and we started them in preK. The expectations, manners and viewpoints they hold are exactly what I want for them. They see everything as a possibility, they value education and intelligence, they are confident and independent and can handle themselves in any situation. They have friends from all walks of life, at all types of schools (public, private, parochial), and they value their opportunities and are not entitled (you can raise kids who appreciate their privilege). I have no doubt that private school is the better choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in college 15 years ago at an Ivy, it was fairly obvious who the private school kids were and who the public school kids were (and for the record, I was a public school kid).

And private school was not just a proxy for wealth. I am from California and went to one of the richest public schools in the country, in an area where there simply were no private schools, and I was still easily identifiable as a public school kid.

I don't know that the private school kids were necessarily "cooler". But it does affect a child's development to be in a class of 100 (like most private schools) versus a class of 500+ (most publics).

Uh, no. Average public high school size is about 1/3 of that.

Not ours

+1 heck, our middle school is bigger than that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I have seen unpolite kids in both worlds. I have seen brand clothes/electronics crazyness in both worlds.

Kids in private schools have more opportunities to speak in public and/or show their work. But many of them, are, indeed, very entitled (but because their parents are entitled).

So, whatever you choose, have in mind that the values your DC learn at home are more important than anything. And, as someone said above, kindness should be on your top list. This is missing everywhere, public and private.

I don't think that's necessarily true. At my private and at my kids' current private, there is a big emphasis on community service, kindness, inclusion, etc. The schools have the luxury of spending time on stuff like this because they aren't bogged down by state requirements, standardized tests, etc.

No, public schools do all that too. Actually, my kids in public had more of this in school than my kids in private because the private schools seem to assume you'll do it anyway (esp. the service as a resume padder).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a “private school family,” including well known NE boarding schools but I rebelled and went to public, albeit a smallish one in a very UMC/rich Suburban area. In high school my tastes and views and aspirations were often caught between my family’s and my school mates‘. I preferred to be more like my friends (of course) and fought with my family frequently. Even though my friends had successful, college-educated parents, there was a difference in expectations, manners and viewpoints on what was important and achievable in life between their families and mine.

Once I grew up a bit and began to understand the differences, I was in college. The nuance was crystal clear to me by my 20s. My kids are in private and we started them in preK. The expectations, manners and viewpoints they hold are exactly what I want for them. They see everything as a possibility, they value education and intelligence, they are confident and independent and can handle themselves in any situation. They have friends from all walks of life, at all types of schools (public, private, parochial), and they value their opportunities and are not entitled (you can raise kids who appreciate their privilege). I have no doubt that private school is the better choice.

Wait, so you went to a fancy public high school and are convinced that fights with your family and wanting to be like your friends were the result of not going to private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I have seen unpolite kids in both worlds. I have seen brand clothes/electronics crazyness in both worlds.

Kids in private schools have more opportunities to speak in public and/or show their work. But many of them, are, indeed, very entitled (but because their parents are entitled).

So, whatever you choose, have in mind that the values your DC learn at home are more important than anything. And, as someone said above, kindness should be on your top list. This is missing everywhere, public and private.

I don't think that's necessarily true. At my private and at my kids' current private, there is a big emphasis on community service, kindness, inclusion, etc. The schools have the luxury of spending time on stuff like this because they aren't bogged down by state requirements, standardized tests, etc.

No, public schools do all that too. Actually, my kids in public had more of this in school than my kids in private because the private schools seem to assume you'll do it anyway (esp. the service as a resume padder).

Ok, well not all private schools are created equal. Mine gave us a week off classes a year for service-oriented trips. I've never heard of a public school doing that.

[Anonymous]

The public schools all require the same tons of hours of community service to graduate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The public schools all require the same tons of hours of community service to graduate.

Guess they have to do that outside of school, not pay tuition and transportation to do it for a week of private school.

[Anonymous]

Boy, I shied away from clicking on this thread for days and eventually gave in. Should have stayed strong.

Private schools are not the cause of the "private school attitude." The relationship runs the other way -- the kind of parenting and upbringing (no judgments) that creates this attitude is delivered by parents more likely to send their kids to private schools.

[Anonymous]

I grew up going to every type imaginable, solid publics, small parochial, tiny private and posh private with a ghetto jr high thrown in there.

It's been interesting to see DS who had an opportunity to go to a well-known private to play his sport after spending the rest of his earlier days in FCPS in a middle and HS that are very diverse both socio-economically and racially thinks about private school.

He gets frustrated mostly because no matter how "carefully" the kids were cultivated to be "mindful" of their advantages in life, they, especially the lifers, have been so incredibly sheltered and come across as whiny to him. He's also seen them wiggle out of doing true volunteer work which most privates require/cultivate. Eg trips to play their sport overseas where they spend an hour or two teaching it to local kids in a small town they've been bused to for a few hours.

Academically it's been a great experience and he now has the "vibe" but not without some strong reservations from him. Should he have kids, I'll be interested to see if he picks private over public (should he have the funds).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was with a large group of private kids recently from three or four schools. The vibe was off the charts!!

I hope this is sarcasm.

I don’t think it is. If you’ve ever been around a bunch of private school kids, you would also sense the vibe. It’s everywhere and literally invigorating.

Literally?

Yeah, it kinda tingles.