Question for the Jewish DCUM Crowd
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Anonymous
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What are your opinions on recent adult converts to Judaism? My close friend's husband converted to Judaism 3 years ago. He is suddenly very devout and it is causing broader problems in their marriage. He wasn't particularly religious when they married five years ago. She was raised Greek Orthodox. Her parents are devout GO. His mother is Jewish and his father is Christian (I think he goes to a Unitarian church). Here is the problem, she is 5 months pregnant and now he is swearing up and down that their child must be raised Jewish. She isn't too thrilled with the idea. She is blaming his stubbornness on being a recent convert.
What are your thoughts on this? I don't know what to tell her because he has a decent argument that Reform Judaism allows for religion to be passed through the father. |
Anonymous
| I think the problem here isn't about recent Jewish converts, it's about a drastic and critical change in more than one of the foundations of marriage. Commonality of faith and being aligned on raising children are cornerstones of marriage. Both of those have drastically changed in this marriage. Would she have married him if he was a devout orthodox Jew and wanted to raise his children Jewish from the beginning? |
Anonymous
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I don't really think this is a "Jewish" question. It's a relationship question.
You can take out "converted to Judaism" and "wife Greek Orthodox" and change it to "converted to Catholicism" and "wife raised Hindu" and it would be the same issue. When they married, he wasn't particularly religious, now he is, and it's a religion that is different from his wife's. Now they are having kids, and the question about what faith to raise this child has come up. They need to work this out as a couple (with counseling if necessary) and come to a decision about how religion is expressed in their family. |
Anonymous
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OP here, I agree but they are arguing this based on technicalities. Otherwise, I think they have a great relationship and I think they initially intended to raise their kids Christian. Then when he converted they agreed on raising their kids without any specific religious label until they were older. Now a wrench has been thrown into the mix.
I think she intended to raise her children Christian and this is rocking her world a bit. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, also don't think it's specific to Judaism. I know many converts to Islam who are the same.
But religion is often very tough on a marriage. Even if people aren't particularly religious, having a child seems to make them rethink things, feel more religious or just think they should be more religious, etc. Agree with the counseling. Very difficult situation, I'm sure. I wish them the best. |
Anonymous
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I think the PPs have some great points.
Also, if his mother is Jewish, he did not "convert" to Judaism. He was Jewish all along and it sounds like 3 years ago he made a decision to practice his faith. As far as I know all flavors of Judaism state that religion is passed through the mother, though it does sound like there's more leeway there than there used to be. But I'm not sure if that matters here. If he wants heavy Jewish influence in raising the kid and she doesn't, I doubt that saying "the kid isn't technically Jewish because the mother isn't Jewish" is going to make a difference. If he's been devout for 3 years and she's 5 months pregnant, sounds like they had a couple years to work out how they'd raise the kid. Too bad they didn't hammer it out beforehand. If you're looking for something to tell her, I'd say she and her husband need to figure out a way to work it out. A lot of times you'll see parents expose kids to both religions and let the kid make their own decision as they get older. The father will want a bris, bar mitzvah, etc... your friend should think about what elements of GO she will want to include in the kid's upbringing. And how they'll explain the two traditions to the kid. |
Anonymous
| I think you often see this with converts - that they are more devout b/c it was a big decision and something that they thought long and hard about, so they begin to take the practice of religion very seriously. I've seen this firsthand with some friends. |
Anonymous
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I'm Jewish. I'm not really sure what the Jewish community's views on converts have to do with this situation. I'll say that I agree in my experience, converts of all faiths tend to take a hard line on religion -- they are very faithful and adhere to all practices of their new faith. And that's natural -- they have done a lot (usually) in order to convert.
This situation would certainly strain a marriage. |
Anonymous
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Jew here. Sounds more like a marital problem that has a religious component. When one person in a marriage drastically changes their views and beliefs and refuses to budge, it can strain a marriage. If it is really extreme, your friend may have to choose between her marriage or having her own way. Sounds like a very tough situation and you can do your best to be there for her, but I don't think it has anything to do with what type of religion he converted to.
That said, Jewish converts aren't looked down upon, nor are they roundly adored. |
Anonymous
| I agree that this isn't a "Jewish" issue, but more of a personality change that is impacting their marriage. Also, "reform" and "devout" don't really go together. If he was devout I would assume he was at lest conservative or orthodox and his argument would not be logical. I have a hunch his is a phase in him and he will soon find something else to obsess about. |
Anonymous
Reform and devout don't got together? Let me introduce you to some of the professors at the Reform Institute where I used to work. |
Anonymous
| Reform is the washed out version of Judaism |
Anonymous
| Yaaaawwwwwnnnnn.......... |
Anonymous
Time to reform Reform? |
Anonymous
That is both a foolish and rude thing to say. |