Is this normal behavior with a sibling? 14 y.o. DS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than reminding DS that he has to treat others with respect, we've been ignoring this as she's an adult and he's 14. However, I'm starting to wonder if this is normal behavior for a 14 y.o.? I had a great relationship with all of my siblings growing up and still do now, so I don't know.

My 14-year-old son is rude to his older sister, though maybe not to the extreme of your son. Is it normal? Yes. But you should still call him out on it. And I agree with a pp that you shouldn't ignore it just because she's an adult. It would be rude for him to do to anybody. He'd probably be less likely to do it to grandma or a random visitor than to his sister. But he shouldn't get a pass just because she's his sister and an adult already.

Personally, I'd be a little worried that he's developing misogynistic tendencies with the jabs about weight and being bad at math. If my son was saying those things, I'd be talking to him about how hurtful teasing can be in general, and that he needs to back off, especially about the sexist themes. In addition, we'd be having a conversation about being direct about past hurts rather than being passive aggressive about them. It's fine to say, "I'm still annoyed that you took that last cookie I had saved last year. Please respect my food." It's not fine to tease her for eating cookies today as a punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found that having a routine really helped these teens and twenties kids at my house. They MUST have chores and a fixed time to wake up, eat, clean, exercise.

Wtf does this have to do with anything?

It forces the kids to behave around each other-NP

[Anonymous]

I'm going to disagree with most of the others. I was a girl with 4 brothers. There was lots of teasing, much of it Not Nice. They were such jerks, LOL. I get along with all of them as adults, and was well prepared for the world.

Is your daughter seriously upset about it? Or is she more like, "Whatever"? That makes a difference.

FYI - I don't think it's a good idea to foster competition between them. He sounds a bit immature for his age and needier than a lot of kids. You might want to try spending more time with him. How is he with his peers, does he have friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found that having a routine really helped these teens and twenties kids at my house. They MUST have chores and a fixed time to wake up, eat, clean, exercise.

Wtf does this have to do with anything?

It forces the kids to behave around each other-NP

+1

Also, a sense of family and comraderie. This is a extraordinary time. We all are forced into being with each other all the time. If we can use some of the time in doing common household chores, the excess energy is used up. There is less time to be bitchy with each other.

[Anonymous]

He's an asshole. Not all teen boys are assholes. I've raised two who would never think to tell anyone they smelled or were fat.

By not dealing with this quickly and effectively, you are enabling the asshole behavior. You know what he's going to grow up to be, right? An even bigger asshole.

Call him out, harshly. Punish him by removing privileges and things he values. Don't let it slide. Defend your poor DD.

[Anonymous]

If my 14y wasn't medicated for his ADHD, this is the crap he would say/do. Thankfully, he is medicated and he acts like a typically 14y old (sleeping late, mubbly, mildly helpful) but not a jerk.

[Anonymous]

My brother teased me about everything under the sun including weight, bad acne, etc. He was immature and bored and forced to be around me too much. This was back in the day when kid’s summers looked a lot like summer this year. We belonged to the pool but we didn’t do too much. He picked on me. He is an adult and he no longer acts like this at all towards anyone. Put him in his place whenever he does this but he doesn’t need counseling. He needs to grow up and he will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my 14y wasn't medicated for his ADHD, this is the crap he would say/do. Thankfully, he is medicated and he acts like a typically 14y old (sleeping late, mubbly, mildly helpful) but not a jerk.

My son is 15 and if he forgets to take his pill, I can tell within a minute. He acts like an ass with no filter. Kind of like Donald Trump when I think of it. He rarely forgets his pill but he did one day last week and the only solution was to make him take a walk and then go to bed.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP from upthread who is facing the exact same issue as OP. My husband defends my son no matter what so it’s been brutal.

[Anonymous]

I would stop with reminders to be respectful, and start giving consequences so that he sees that unkind or disrespectful behavior is not tolerated.

I’m not trying to sound accusatory or overly harsh here, because I don’t think what’s happenings is awful, but it’s not okay. By not giving consequences, you teach both children that the behavior is acceptable—you teach your son that he can be disrespectful to others, specifically women, and you teach your daughter that it is okay for people to treat her that way, as long as reminders are given (but not heeded). You can course correct now.

[Anonymous]

This is how so many men grow up to be sh!t bags!

Congratulations, OP. You are raising a future wife beater.

[Anonymous]

Just the fact that you posted this question, shows you already know it’s not normal. It’s not developmentally appropriate for a teen boy to have a meltdown. It’s just not. It’s also terrible parenting for you to allow him to harass his sister. You’re basically making a decision to raise an a$$hole.

Step up already! Be the parent.

[Anonymous]

Who has a cooking competition? Stop with the competitive atmosphere in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What matters is how your DD feels about it. Is she bothered by the rudeness at all or does she brush it off as juvenile back-chat?

Because there is a reason young teen brothers and sisters find each other revolting and its important - its nature's way of avoiding incest. It really is. And that is fine.

wtf? I have a DS and DD, teens, and while they sometimes fight and can be mean to each other, they don't put each other down this way. One time they did, and I shut that sh1t down fast. I also have an older brother and older sister, and they didn't behave this way. My DH has a much older sister, and they weren't this way. Are you saying that there was some incestuous feelings? This is some crap Freudian BS.

No OP, the way your teen DS is behaving isn't normal. It's over the top. Of course, there will always be some friction between siblings, but if it's that negative, then something is wrong with your DS.

I know a teen DS who was a real sh1t to his sister (though younger), and the sister ended up having some issues because of how mean he was to her. IMO, he was jealous that the baby in the family took attention away from him. Now, I realize that this situation is the reverse -- younger sibling being the ahole -- but there has to be some underlying reason why he's such a sh1t to her all the time. I would especially focus on him being upset that she "won" the cooking competition, or whatever it was. Why did he think he "deserved" to win?

[Anonymous]

He’s a teen and he’s pushing boundaries (much like toddlers.) He’s trying to see what he can get away with and asserting his independence. You’re teaching your son that it’s okay to trash talk his sister in your presence. That’s terrible parenting.