Spouses of high earners with kids

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised his salary / bonus isn’t higher if he’s in big law and just guesstimating ages based on kids being in elementary school - is he a partner? What’s his future salary / bonus appreciation look like - is he on a path to hit $1-2M in the future, or is where he is today likely where he lands comp-wise for the long run? If you said hey he’ll be at $1M in a couple years and $2M in 5-10 that impacts how people would evaluate this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - DH's salary has increased year over year. We haven't been making this much for the past decade. We have had 3 kids in daycare from 2015-2021. That took a HUGE chunk of our money. We also paid off his law school loan aggressively.

I am actually fine with doing 80% of the kid/household things. Yes sometimes it gets stressful but all in all this is what I am used to so I don't find it overly burdensome.

I just feel bad that my DH is stressed all the time. Big law is feast or famine. When its busy, work is pouring in. When its slow you are always worried about not making your hours. So the stress is always present. It never goes away.

Why is he so stressed if he doesn’t have to do anything at home?

[Anonymous]

I’d focus on saving aggressively and retiring early.

[Anonymous]

I gave up a F/T position when the kids were young so my lawyer DH could focus 100% on his career without ever having to juggle. Would you not working make any difference in his stress level? I take care of a lot of the administrative headaches that my DH just doesn't have the bandwidth for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised his salary / bonus isn’t higher if he’s in big law and just guesstimating ages based on kids being in elementary school - is he a partner? What’s his future salary / bonus appreciation look like - is he on a path to hit $1-2M in the future, or is where he is today likely where he lands comp-wise for the long run? If you said hey he’ll be at $1M in a couple years and $2M in 5-10 that impacts how people would evaluate this too.

OP- he is a non-equity partner so not equity yet (although its been talked about this year or next). Future salary is uncertain. I guess it just depends on how much business he can bring in. He is in a "big law" firm but its not like Cravath or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave up a F/T position when the kids were young so my lawyer DH could focus 100% on his career without ever having to juggle. Would you not working make any difference in his stress level? I take care of a lot of the administrative headaches that my DH just doesn't have the bandwidth for.

OP - no I don't think it would make any difference for his stress level. When he is super busy I already take over any of the extras that he is doing at the house. When he has time he helps. When he doesn't I do everything.

[Anonymous]

Is your lifestyle such that you NEED to get a higher-paying job in order for him to work less? What if he made, say, $400k or even $200k/year? Could you make ends meet and also save for retirement? Realize everyone’s situation is different, this question is genuine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your lifestyle such that you NEED to get a higher-paying job in order for him to work less? What if he made, say, $400k or even $200k/year? Could you make ends meet and also save for retirement? Realize everyone’s situation is different, this question is genuine!

+1 - It matters if you’re living a $750K HHI lifestyle or not. If you’re living a $300K or $400K lifestyle or whatever, this is a no brainer if it’s the best decision for your family.

[Anonymous]

800k is the new 100k i would try to make at least 2m

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How easy is it for you to get a higher paying job and for him to get a less stressful lower paying job?

Speaking as a wife who out earns her husband by 4x but also works way more, ya it would be great if he made more and worked more to take some of that pressure off me, but then we’d need a lot more outside help and that doesn’t manage itself. Pros and cons of both approaches.

is there ever $$ tensions in the family given the income disparity?

It’s not without tension, but it’s manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised his salary / bonus isn’t higher if he’s in big law and just guesstimating ages based on kids being in elementary school - is he a partner? What’s his future salary / bonus appreciation look like - is he on a path to hit $1-2M in the future, or is where he is today likely where he lands comp-wise for the long run? If you said hey he’ll be at $1M in a couple years and $2M in 5-10 that impacts how people would evaluate this too.

OP- he is a non-equity partner so not equity yet (although its been talked about this year or next). Future salary is uncertain. I guess it just depends on how much business he can bring in. He is in a "big law" firm but its not like Cravath or anything.

I saved a lot while working in big law, paying down my mortgage and filling investment accounts, and then moved in house and love having my time back. I used to end up working all weekends and now I have weekends and evenings for my family and myself.

There are legal options other than working constantly, you just have to look for them. And they don't even necessarily pay poorly. I don't make as much as big law, but I make plenty to have a wonderful life in this area.

[Anonymous]

No Op, to answer your question -- this is a personality-thing. Your husband would be no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised his salary / bonus isn’t higher if he’s in big law and just guesstimating ages based on kids being in elementary school - is he a partner? What’s his future salary / bonus appreciation look like - is he on a path to hit $1-2M in the future, or is where he is today likely where he lands comp-wise for the long run? If you said hey he’ll be at $1M in a couple years and $2M in 5-10 that impacts how people would evaluate this too.

OP- he is a non-equity partner so not equity yet (although its been talked about this year or next). Future salary is uncertain. I guess it just depends on how much business he can bring in. He is in a "big law" firm but its not like Cravath or anything.

I saved a lot while working in big law, paying down my mortgage and filling investment accounts, and then moved in house and love having my time back. I used to end up working all weekends and now I have weekends and evenings for my family and myself.

There are legal options other than working constantly, you just have to look for them. And they don't even necessarily pay poorly. I don't make as much as big law, but I make plenty to have a wonderful life in this area.

This. I make about 200k as an attorney and have nice work/life balance. You have to watch for those golden handcuffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised his salary / bonus isn’t higher if he’s in big law and just guesstimating ages based on kids being in elementary school - is he a partner? What’s his future salary / bonus appreciation look like - is he on a path to hit $1-2M in the future, or is where he is today likely where he lands comp-wise for the long run? If you said hey he’ll be at $1M in a couple years and $2M in 5-10 that impacts how people would evaluate this too.

OP- he is a non-equity partner so not equity yet (although its been talked about this year or next). Future salary is uncertain. I guess it just depends on how much business he can bring in. He is in a "big law" firm but its not like Cravath or anything.

I saved a lot while working in big law, paying down my mortgage and filling investment accounts, and then moved in house and love having my time back. I used to end up working all weekends and now I have weekends and evenings for my family and myself.

There are legal options other than working constantly, you just have to look for them. And they don't even necessarily pay poorly. I don't make as much as big law, but I make plenty to have a wonderful life in this area.

This. I make about 200k as an attorney and have nice work/life balance. You have to watch for those golden handcuffs.

Same -- but I also think a workaholic with my job could still be very stressed out by it. To a degree, that is the nature of legal work. Also, I wonder if OP's family is stretched beyond a point where $350k is enough to cover their expenses..

[Anonymous]

My husband is making 7 figures these days. His salary has tripled since 2020. I have a very part time job, that makes peanuts. I do it for my sanity rather than the money.

We also have three kids and are really busy all the time. The kids get more busy each year they are older. I would love to have more help from him, but he doesn’t have the time or mental energy.

But…I could be making 300k and I don’t think he would be making different choices. He says he would love to retire- but actually he thrives on the challenge and business.

So given that reality, I stay dialed back so I can manage everything else. I think if you are bored in your job, then look around for something else, but otherwise? I don’t think making more money for the sake of it is going to help your family