Adult sister on the spectrum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister was the golden child growing up- good grades, never got in trouble, etc. She was always kinda awkward socially and a nerd, although she had a group of similar friends in HS. For some reason her quirks have gotten more grating as she's gotten older- when we all see eachother at family gathering she's always quieter than everyone else and it's awkward. I know some of our cousins think she is weird too. Occasionally we do milestone sister weekends with our other sister but the last time she blew up about something and got upset and I've made excuses for any suggestions for having one again. My other sister and I have gotten together on our own when she was out of the country and unavalable.

Well she recently got a neuropsych and they say she has Adhd, anxiety, and mild autism. I guess it explains a lot (I doubt she really has Adhd though) but now what do I do? She asked us not to tell our parents, I guess it would knock her off her pedestal. Should I be making more efforts to engage and visit? I want to tell her her DD should get an eval too because I see some of the same signs.....

Why did she supposedly even tell you about her medical neuro tests?

OP here- honestly it felt like she wanted attention. Shouldn't you keep stuff like that private?

She trusts you, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister was the golden child growing up- good grades, never got in trouble, etc. She was always kinda awkward socially and a nerd, although she had a group of similar friends in HS. For some reason her quirks have gotten more grating as she's gotten older- when we all see eachother at family gathering she's always quieter than everyone else and it's awkward. I know some of our cousins think she is weird too. Occasionally we do milestone sister weekends with our other sister but the last time she blew up about something and got upset and I've made excuses for any suggestions for having one again. My other sister and I have gotten together on our own when she was out of the country and unavalable.

Well she recently got a neuropsych and they say she has Adhd, anxiety, and mild autism. I guess it explains a lot (I doubt she really has Adhd though) but now what do I do? She asked us not to tell our parents, I guess it would knock her off her pedestal. Should I be making more efforts to engage and visit? I want to tell her her DD should get an eval too because I see some of the same signs.....

Why did she supposedly even tell you about her medical neuro tests?

OP here- honestly it felt like she wanted attention. Shouldn't you keep stuff like that private?

NO, mental health and neurodivergence should not be taboo, because that's how you perpetuate cycles of shame and guilt. You think being autistic is a stigma, which is why your reaction is that she shouldn't share. What a tragic notion! There is no stigma. A lot of very successful people have autism, because it allows them to be single-minded in their pursuits and that drive has made them successful.

Of course she wants attention from you. Why is that a bad thing? It sounds like you've always criticized her and thought her inferior. She is trying to tell you that she can't help being different, and that you should accept her for who she is! Why is this hard for you? This is a HUGE deal for her, OP: she knew she was different all along, and your family made her feel bad about it all her life. Now she has proof that it's not her fault, and she wants you to, if not apologize for past slights, at least verbalize that she's a good person and that she's been trying hard to fit in. You think she didn't make enough effort. I can tell you, as an autistic person and one with autistic relatives, that your sister has tried hard all her life.

Don't be cruel.

Yes to all of the above. OP, please read this person’s post and take it in.

[Anonymous]

No, you are unkind. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone who’s weird, or quiet, or smart has autism now, or is “on the spectrum”.

This.

And I'm pretty sick of the people self-diagnosing on social media too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone who’s weird, or quiet, or smart has autism now, or is “on the spectrum”.

This.

And I'm pretty sick of the people self-diagnosing on social media too.

Doesn't appear to be 'self-diagnosis'. The poster says that she was diagnosed as part of a neuropsych eval. Generally that means that there was a diagnosis by a trained medical professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are an autistic, ADHD, anxious family, OP. We all have high IQs, and some of us are socially awkward and visibly quirky.

My children and I accept this fact and move on. My husband has trouble with the labels, even though diagnoses have not changed who we are. I guess you're like him. Get rid of your pride and vanity. Neurodivergence is not a crime.

Accept your sister for who she is. Read up on high-functioning autism. Social situations will always make her anxious. She will need downtime to recover from them. If pushed too hard, she will display emotional dysregulation, because she has trouble warning you beforehand that she's not coping well - it's all interiorized.

I am sad for your sister that she fears her parents' reactions. I do not talk about our diagnoses with my parents or other relatives. They would not understand. I just show my children how to build quiet, cerebral lives and pick career paths that are autistic-friendly.

Serious question - I see people in this board say they have “high IQs”. Do you really know your IQ, or is that just a short-hand way of saying they are higher than average smart? No one in my family has ever been in the position to take a true IQ test, so wondering if other people genuinely know their true IQ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are an autistic, ADHD, anxious family, OP. We all have high IQs, and some of us are socially awkward and visibly quirky.

My children and I accept this fact and move on. My husband has trouble with the labels, even though diagnoses have not changed who we are. I guess you're like him. Get rid of your pride and vanity. Neurodivergence is not a crime.

Accept your sister for who she is. Read up on high-functioning autism. Social situations will always make her anxious. She will need downtime to recover from them. If pushed too hard, she will display emotional dysregulation, because she has trouble warning you beforehand that she's not coping well - it's all interiorized.

I am sad for your sister that she fears her parents' reactions. I do not talk about our diagnoses with my parents or other relatives. They would not understand. I just show my children how to build quiet, cerebral lives and pick career paths that are autistic-friendly.

Serious question - I see people in this board say they have “high IQs”. Do you really know your IQ, or is that just a short-hand way of saying they are higher than average smart? No one in my family has ever been in the position to take a true IQ test, so wondering if other people genuinely know their true IQ.

DP. To be fair, if someone had very high SAT scores from back before kids started prepping heavily for standardized tests, they can assume they have a decently high IQ.

[Anonymous]

As I’m reading these posts, I do feel empathy for the OP’s sister, I get that her life is hard. However, my SIL is clearly on the spectrum (no formal diagnosis). Family is in denial and just accommodates her. It is very difficult to marry in to this type of family, I am expected to accommodate her tantrums, moodiness, rigidity, all of it. It has been bad, to the point of being somewhat traumatizing for me given all the things she needs and demands. Although I get that she is lonely and probably depressed and I do feel for her, she is also extremely, extremely difficult to be around and I try to avoid her.

[Anonymous]

I'm quiet. I only talk when I have something to say - I don't fill silence. I am (low) on the spectrum and have ADHD. I grew up being told I was too loud and talked too much and was basically annoying and obnoxious.

But I will listen to YOU blather on about your issues with coworkers, or difficulty in choosing which resort in Hawaii to stay at, or how training your new dog is going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm quiet. I only talk when I have something to say - I don't fill silence. I am (low) on the spectrum and have ADHD. I grew up being told I was too loud and talked too much and was basically annoying and obnoxious.

But I will listen to YOU blather on about your issues with coworkers, or difficulty in choosing which resort in Hawaii to stay at, or how training your new dog is going.

Right because meals in silence are abnormal.

It normal to talk about life at dinner with others you know well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister was the golden child growing up- good grades, never got in trouble, etc. She was always kinda awkward socially and a nerd, although she had a group of similar friends in HS. For some reason her quirks have gotten more grating as she's gotten older- when we all see eachother at family gathering she's always quieter than everyone else and it's awkward. I know some of our cousins think she is weird too. Occasionally we do milestone sister weekends with our other sister but the last time she blew up about something and got upset and I've made excuses for any suggestions for having one again. My other sister and I have gotten together on our own when she was out of the country and unavalable.

Well she recently got a neuropsych and they say she has Adhd, anxiety, and mild autism. I guess it explains a lot (I doubt she really has Adhd though) but now what do I do? She asked us not to tell our parents, I guess it would knock her off her pedestal. Should I be making more efforts to engage and visit? I want to tell her her DD should get an eval too because I see some of the same signs.....

Why did she supposedly even tell you about her medical neuro tests?

OP here- honestly it felt like she wanted attention. Shouldn't you keep stuff like that private?

Maybe, she was hoping you would begin to understand her better and give her more grace. Maybe she is trying to improve her relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister was the golden child growing up- good grades, never got in trouble, etc. She was always kinda awkward socially and a nerd, although she had a group of similar friends in HS. For some reason her quirks have gotten more grating as she's gotten older- when we all see eachother at family gathering she's always quieter than everyone else and it's awkward. I know some of our cousins think she is weird too. Occasionally we do milestone sister weekends with our other sister but the last time she blew up about something and got upset and I've made excuses for any suggestions for having one again. My other sister and I have gotten together on our own when she was out of the country and unavalable.

Well she recently got a neuropsych and they say she has Adhd, anxiety, and mild autism. I guess it explains a lot (I doubt she really has Adhd though) but now what do I do? She asked us not to tell our parents, I guess it would knock her off her pedestal. Should I be making more efforts to engage and visit? I want to tell her her DD should get an eval too because I see some of the same signs.....

Why did she supposedly even tell you about her medical neuro tests?

OP here- honestly it felt like she wanted attention. Shouldn't you keep stuff like that private?

This has got to be a troll post.

[Anonymous]

Usually families accept that you are different or awkward or quiet and include you anyhow OP.

Sounds like your sister made a mistake telling you her diagnosis. She should have just done a slow fade and made friends to make up for lack of understanding in her family of origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older sister was the golden child growing up- good grades, never got in trouble, etc. She was always kinda awkward socially and a nerd, although she had a group of similar friends in HS. For some reason her quirks have gotten more grating as she's gotten older- when we all see eachother at family gathering she's always quieter than everyone else and it's awkward. I know some of our cousins think she is weird too. Occasionally we do milestone sister weekends with our other sister but the last time she blew up about something and got upset and I've made excuses for any suggestions for having one again. My other sister and I have gotten together on our own when she was out of the country and unavalable.

Well she recently got a neuropsych and they say she has Adhd, anxiety, and mild autism. I guess it explains a lot (I doubt she really has Adhd though) but now what do I do? She asked us not to tell our parents, I guess it would knock her off her pedestal. Should I be making more efforts to engage and visit? I want to tell her her DD should get an eval too because I see some of the same signs.....

Are you for real? It's hard to believe an adult would be such an ass. My guess is you're a 13 year old troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I’m reading these posts, I do feel empathy for the OP’s sister, I get that her life is hard. However, my SIL is clearly on the spectrum (no formal diagnosis). Family is in denial and just accommodates her. It is very difficult to marry in to this type of family, I am expected to accommodate her tantrums, moodiness, rigidity, all of it. It has been bad, to the point of being somewhat traumatizing for me given all the things she needs and demands. Although I get that she is lonely and probably depressed and I do feel for her, she is also extremely, extremely difficult to be around and I try to avoid her.

You don't know what "traumatizing" means. I take that she doesn't live with you?