Need social advice from parents with older kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its important if you have an only child. I also have an only, shes 13 now and I think its important over the years that they learn that not everything revolves around them and we need to take other peoples needs into consideration as far as taking turns, choosing games to play etc.

Meh. My only child learned all that stuff at school and with friends and gets along well with others. No need to take multi-family vacations or constantly schedule parent-group social events for that.

Most only children I know have become fairly awkward adults... I don't mean introverted, more like needy - require attention or validation of some sort. Seems like this could have been mitigated by having them participate in more group activities as kids.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its important if you have an only child. I also have an only, shes 13 now and I think its important over the years that they learn that not everything revolves around them and we need to take other peoples needs into consideration as far as taking turns, choosing games to play etc.

Meh. My only child learned all that stuff at school and with friends and gets along well with others. No need to take multi-family vacations or constantly schedule parent-group social events for that.

Most only children I know have become fairly awkward adults... I don't mean introverted, more like needy - require attention or validation of some sort. Seems like this could have been mitigated by having them participate in more group activities as kids.

Interesting. Most of the only children I know are chill because they never had to compete for attention or resources

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its important if you have an only child. I also have an only, shes 13 now and I think its important over the years that they learn that not everything revolves around them and we need to take other peoples needs into consideration as far as taking turns, choosing games to play etc.

Meh. My only child learned all that stuff at school and with friends and gets along well with others. No need to take multi-family vacations or constantly schedule parent-group social events for that.

Most only children I know have become fairly awkward adults... I don't mean introverted, more like needy - require attention or validation of some sort. Seems like this could have been mitigated by having them participate in more group activities as kids.

This isn’t true IMO. The only children I know are sometimes not self aware. They are a little selfish but fine overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to keep in mind that K-8 socializing is as much about the parents as their kids. I wasn't huge into the parent social swirl, either. I'm an ambivert, which means I'm equally introverted and extroverted. I think my problem is I see through people's facades, masks, way too easily. I can read body language even when I don't want to. So I catch the subtle eye roll, etc. I could spot the fake moms who would sell me out, gossip behind my back, or be mean to my kids within minutes of being around them. I'm very choosy about who I let into my world, my circle is small. Our kids always had a few friends and I always had one or two mom friends. High school moms are competing against each other and building hierarchies around their kids' activities. You'll know these moms by their shirts because they tend to create a special tshirt for their "in mom" group that they all wear at the same time. It's very high school -- you're bang on, OP. It' a-okay to keep your dignity. I have zero regrets about keeping mine. --Mom of college kids

I have never heard about this. Is this different from simple "boosters"? Is it more "we wear pink"?
This sounds crazy and not subtle at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it doesn’t matter. Your child will make friends in school and in the neighborhood without you doing anything at all. As she gets older she can plan and schedule what she wants. Did your parents plan out bunches of social engagements for you in elementary school? Mine certainly didn’t and I still had a great social life. I have three kids: high, middle, and elementary. The families we were friends with and vacationed with in elementary- our kids are no longer close friends with. They all find their own paths. We never did play dates- it makes no difference to their social lives.

To me this is so odd! Growing up, I would have a friend over after school at LEAST once a week. Or go to their house. Having friends over after school was so normal, and it was where our friendships really got deeper. Now, vacationing with another family- that's something that seems so foreign to me. I don't want to share a beach house with another family just because our kids are the same age and like eachother. No.

We didn’t have play dates because parents worked. It was no big deal at all and I don’t feel like I missed out on anything. We had a neighborhood full of kids of varying ages. Interestingly, the neighborhood kids and my school friends had no crossover. I wasn’t friends with the neighborhood kids at school. We played with each other in the evenings and on the weekends- like built forts in the woods, went on long walks to no where, congregated in someone’s basement for hours, kickball games in field or someone’s yard. Dawn to dusk old school activities. It was great fun and some of my best memories- but these were kids I would have never been friends with, had they not been my neighbors (different grades, classes, different interests, some different schools). It was like a special club we all were part of but never mentioned outside of our club. This kind of spontaneous socializing is far more valuable than the contrived playdates of today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to keep in mind that K-8 socializing is as much about the parents as their kids. I wasn't huge into the parent social swirl, either. I'm an ambivert, which means I'm equally introverted and extroverted. I think my problem is I see through people's facades, masks, way too easily. I can read body language even when I don't want to. So I catch the subtle eye roll, etc. I could spot the fake moms who would sell me out, gossip behind my back, or be mean to my kids within minutes of being around them. I'm very choosy about who I let into my world, my circle is small. Our kids always had a few friends and I always had one or two mom friends. High school moms are competing against each other and building hierarchies around their kids' activities. You'll know these moms by their shirts because they tend to create a special tshirt for their "in mom" group that they all wear at the same time. It's very high school -- you're bang on, OP. It' a-okay to keep your dignity. I have zero regrets about keeping mine. --Mom of college kids

I have never heard about this. Is this different from simple "boosters"? Is it more "we wear pink"?
This sounds crazy and not subtle at all.

This is definitely not the norm but a few people do this. I know one mom who made matching t shirts for everyone attending a concert together. They also make family shirts. It is not the norm at all.

I sometimes buy an extra shirt or two for close friends. It is just a gift and the girls may match for a day. This was early elementary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to vacation with other families to keep his social life healthy. Invite a friend to go to dinner and do something fun every now and then. Or lunch and a trampoline park. Or just to come play video games. As your kid gets older this involves you less and less.

+1 I do think it's important to model social life and to encourage plenty of play time with friends. Some families are so busy with organized activities that IMO they don't leave enough time for just hanging out. For example, when DS was in rec soccer in elementary school, a game was often followed by the boys playing together at a nearby park and/or families going out for lunch. But a couple kids were playing multiple sports and ran from the soccer game to the next game, missing out on that social time.

DH and I are both introverts who struggled in childhood to make good friends. So, we were very mindful of encouraging friendships for our kids. In their early years that, not academic or athletic performance, was our most important priority. DS was pretty easy, naturally social and now at 22 still hangs out mostly with boys he's known since they were in elementary school. DD struggled more and when it was a problem in 1st grade we spoke with the teacher and he made some seating and group assignment changes to help her connect with like-minded peers. She then really clicked with 2 friends in 2nd grade. We always encouraged her to make time for them on weekends. Her friend group expanded over time but she's still very close with those two friends.

We've never traveled with friends (DH would hate that) but I have built strong friendships with a few women I originally met through my kids' school/sports. Having a consistent get-together time helps to build those relationships. When the kids were little it was the soccer games + post-game socializing. Later, a standing "come if you can" Friday night dinner and then that evolved to a Saturday morning coffee time.

[Anonymous]

I think it's hard to get objective info on this thread because everyone just wants to validate that what they did was the right thing.

I think this is personality driven and that past age 8 or 9, parent relationships are fairly irrelevant to kid friendships. For little kids, the parents have to know each other and at least get along somewhat because there's more parent supervision and management involved. Kindergarteners are not independently setting up playdates with each other. But 4th graders are, and just checking with parents to see if they are okay.

I have always taken a colleagues approach to other parents -- friendly, helpful when appropriate, no drama. I have not become good friends with other parents because (1) I already have a lot of friends, and (2) I think having same age kids is less bonding than people expect it to be. Individual parenting experiences are more diverse than people realize, and past the baby phase, kids vary a lot in temperament (plus families vary a lot in composition, resources, and particular experiences). I think people presume "hey we live in the same neighborhood and have 2nd graders -- we must have a lot in common!" But my experience is that you often have exactly one thing in common and that's it, and it's just not enough to build a friendship on.

But! It's enough to be friendly work colleagues so if your kids become friends, you can functionally support that friendship. So that's my approach.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to do all those things. You SHOULD push yourself to help your child make and maintain connections, since you have an only child. There is way less built-in socialization with onlies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's hard to get objective info on this thread because everyone just wants to validate that what they did was the right thing.

I think this is personality driven and that past age 8 or 9, parent relationships are fairly irrelevant to kid friendships. For little kids, the parents have to know each other and at least get along somewhat because there's more parent supervision and management involved. Kindergarteners are not independently setting up playdates with each other. But 4th graders are, and just checking with parents to see if they are okay.

I have always taken a colleagues approach to other parents -- friendly, helpful when appropriate, no drama. I have not become good friends with other parents because (1) I already have a lot of friends, and (2) I think having same age kids is less bonding than people expect it to be. Individual parenting experiences are more diverse than people realize, and past the baby phase, kids vary a lot in temperament (plus families vary a lot in composition, resources, and particular experiences). I think people presume "hey we live in the same neighborhood and have 2nd graders -- we must have a lot in common!" But my experience is that you often have exactly one thing in common and that's it, and it's just not enough to build a friendship on.

But! It's enough to be friendly work colleagues so if your kids become friends, you can functionally support that friendship. So that's my approach.

Yes, the same age kid is not enough for an adult friendship. I only hang out with moms I would be friends with even if we didn’t have the kids.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is dealing with a parenting community where parents gatekeep their kids' friendships based on specific sorts of socializing among adults. I encountered this a bit in my kids' elementary school and it can be frustrating if you don't enjoy that specific kind of socializing.

In my case, it was a group of families who socialized via backyard gatherings, group "date nights", and joint vacations that revolve around heavy drinking, posting extensively to social media, and a specific kind of networking that is just not my thing. It's not that you couldn't join the group if you wanted to -- they invited us many times to join them in these activities. It's that if you didn't join them in these activities, they would not permit your kids to be friends. Even if you were happy to host playdates, invited their kids to your kids birthday party, were friendly and available at school events, etc. If you wanted your kid to be able to hang out with theirs, you had to participate in their specific sort of socializing. And this lasted well past the little kids phase -- even if your kids were friendly at school in upper elementary or middle school, they would discourage a closer friendship if you didn't socialize with the adults.

It's a frustrating dynamic because while I don't think there's anything wrong with how that group chose to socialize, I just can't do it. I drink extremely rarely for health reasons, I prefer a more private type of socializing with fewer photos and definitely no online posting, and my family is just not set up for joint vacations. Trying to keep up with a group like that would make me miserable for no real reason -- sometimes you just aren't meant to be friends with certain people. But it was sad that this meant our kids wouldn't be friends either.

I don't expect people to match my social style in order for our kids to be friends. I'm fine making friends outside the families in my kids' peer group. Fortunately, my kids made friends via activities outside school and also in middle school, the social circle widened so this one group of parents and their kids were less dominant. It was a lonely few years there though and I definitely felt the pressure to perform friendships with those folks just to get my kids access to birthday invites and playdates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to vacation with other families to keep his social life healthy. Invite a friend to go to dinner and do something fun every now and then. Or lunch and a trampoline park. Or just to come play video games. As your kid gets older this involves you less and less.

+1

Some families get too enmeshed with each other and it backfires.