Need social advice from parents with older kids

[Anonymous]

We have an elementary school aged only child and have always worked hard to build social connections over the years. This has been very difficult for us as parents since we are both very introverted and not very savvy when it comes to the young kids networking scene that seems ubiquitous around this area. It sometimes feels like we are always a step behind our child’s peers and that they are all more skilled at planning activities and multi-family outings or vacations when these things are exhausting for us. My DC is happy on these trips when we do go so we have tried to put ourselves out of our comfort zone in order to support them. With that said, DC doesn’t really ask for socialization during down times but that may be because we have always served up plenty of social opportunities without being asked.

My question is if all this effort is really so important in the long run? It feels like office politics or high school at times and I am not sure that this level of engagement suits my personality. I am exhausted trying to act engaged all of the time.

If it is important for my DC then we can continue to push ourselves but I wanted to get the perspective of more experienced parents with older kids. Is this just anxiety and keeping up with the Joneses or are we doing an important and good thing for our child by forcing ourselves out of our shell? What if we just stayed home more and let our DC ask for or arrange their own social life even though I think they may just keep to themselves as well?

[Anonymous]

No, it doesn’t matter. Your child will make friends in school and in the neighborhood without you doing anything at all. As she gets older she can plan and schedule what she wants. Did your parents plan out bunches of social engagements for you in elementary school? Mine certainly didn’t and I still had a great social life. I have three kids: high, middle, and elementary. The families we were friends with and vacationed with in elementary- our kids are no longer close friends with. They all find their own paths. We never did play dates- it makes no difference to their social lives.

[Anonymous]

I think that some kids need more help than others. I think if you have a very social kid, you could do absolutely nothing and that child will be social. (I have one of those kids.)

I do think some kids struggle more socially and yes, in elementary school, you can help these kind of kids through adult relationships. (I had one of these types of kids too.) Past elementary school, adult social engineering doesn't accomplish anything.

If you don't want to vacation with other families, don't do it. I would focus on finding and maintaining friendships you're going to enjoy in the long run. If you're not enjoying what you're doing, don't do it. It's not make or break for your kid.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it matters that much, but the other thing I would say is that it is only for another couple of years. By high school they are very much in charge of their own social calendars, and will see other people as much or as little as they like. And it may also vary over time. My kid went through a rough patch where he didn't really have any friends and didn't do anything. Then he got through it and is now very social.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for these thoughtful replies! I had a feeling that we were getting caught up in the energy of those around us. You have helped to ground my sense of reality. Sometimes it all feels like too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for these thoughtful replies! I had a feeling that we were getting caught up in the energy of those around us. You have helped to ground my sense of reality. Sometimes it all feels like too much.

Thank you, OP, for sharing! We’re in the same boat as you and utterly exhausted trying to build connections.

[Anonymous]

You have to keep in mind that K-8 socializing is as much about the parents as their kids. I wasn't huge into the parent social swirl, either. I'm an ambivert, which means I'm equally introverted and extroverted. I think my problem is I see through people's facades, masks, way too easily. I can read body language even when I don't want to. So I catch the subtle eye roll, etc. I could spot the fake moms who would sell me out, gossip behind my back, or be mean to my kids within minutes of being around them. I'm very choosy about who I let into my world, my circle is small. Our kids always had a few friends and I always had one or two mom friends. High school moms are competing against each other and building hierarchies around their kids' activities. You'll know these moms by their shirts because they tend to create a special tshirt for their "in mom" group that they all wear at the same time. It's very high school -- you're bang on, OP. It' a-okay to keep your dignity. I have zero regrets about keeping mine. --Mom of college kids

[Anonymous]

I think its important if you have an only child. I also have an only, shes 13 now and I think its important over the years that they learn that not everything revolves around them and we need to take other peoples needs into consideration as far as taking turns, choosing games to play etc.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to demonstrate friendship, community, what that looks and feels like, etc.

I do not think that means you have to be buddies with the other parents at your school or the parents of your kids' friends and go on vacation with them.

Make your own friends. Let your kids make their own friends.

[Anonymous]

I agree about demonstrating socializing and making opportunities for your child to lean those social skills. It doesn’t come naturally for all kids. And don’t leave it up to your child to initiate things. As she gets older, you’ll be able to step back from all this.

Find out what the popular activities are and sign her up for those, if she’s willing to do them. Arrange carpools, show up for the games, host birthday parties and sleepovers. You’ll only be with your DD for so many years before you can relax back into happy introvertism. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to disagree about automatically choosing the "popular activities." You have to follow the child a bit here. Sometimes joining the popular activity when it isn't your thing can have very negative social consequences. Other kids can smell a fish out of water, and they aren't nice about it. Go for a balance of the kid's interest/ability and social opportuntiy.

Social doesn't mean popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its important if you have an only child. I also have an only, shes 13 now and I think its important over the years that they learn that not everything revolves around them and we need to take other peoples needs into consideration as far as taking turns, choosing games to play etc.

I'm also a parent of an only but I did not feel I had to participate in the sorts of social planning OP is talking about in order to give that to my kid.

OP is talking about a specific kind of social engineering some parents engage in where they try to match their kids up with other kids from the neighborhood or school, and create friendships. There is lots of that around us, too, and I don't participate because I don't want MY friendships to revolve around my kid's social life. If she asks for a playdate with a classmate or neighborhood friend, I'll reach out to the parents. I do make an effort to get to know names and collect numbers for that purpose, but I'm not engineering family friendships based on this.

Instead, we just do a lot of socializing with our actual friends (most of whom we knew pre-kids) and their kids, and we just expect the kids to play together and get along. That's much more similar to a sibling relationship anyway. My kid winds up hanging out with kids who are older and younger, have different interests, etc. A lot of my friends' kids are also onlies so it works out well. Some of these have blossomed into real friendships for my DD, which is cool because, for instance, she has some real friends who are 2-3 years older and younger than she is, which means she has friends she can talk to about school and friendship who have been through it more recently, and she also gets to be the "big sis" sometimes for her younger friends. She also has several friends who are boys, which almost never happens at school for some reason -- the kids self-segregate starting in 2nd or 3rd grade.

I don't do the joint family outings or family vacations like OP is talking about. At least not with families we didn't already know pre-kids. I do find it exhausting and just not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to disagree about automatically choosing the "popular activities." You have to follow the child a bit here. Sometimes joining the popular activity when it isn't your thing can have very negative social consequences. Other kids can smell a fish out of water, and they aren't nice about it. Go for a balance of the kid's interest/ability and social opportuntiy.

Social doesn't mean popular.

+1

When my kid was in K and 1st, there was a lot of pressure to do soccer because that's what the "popular" kids at school did. We signed our kid up for one session of soccer because why not. He hated it. After that we opted out of soccer and found other activities he like a lot more (rock climbing and Lego club). He has friends in these activities and enjoys doing them, and I'm so glad we didn't force him into years of soccer just so he could be friends with the "popular" boys at school.

[Anonymous]

We taught our kids to be social by being social and inclusive ourselves. No, we did not cultivate "parents groups" from school and activities exclusively because DH and I are also floaters (floating between groups). We are friendly with multiple groups and do not limit ourselves. My kids also have been raised to be floaters.

We were the ones who had big partiss, picnics, birthdays. casual dinners, snacks, community potlucks, prom parties, homecoming parties, Halloween parades etc. And we were involved with many EC activities. We did not wait to be excluded by some popular group. We invited everyone - classmates, relatives, neighbors, our friends. We never worried that people won't show up because we already had a critical mass of people for any celebration. Also, if I found any good opportunity for the kids, I basically advertised it far and wide - so that more kids could join in.

It really helped the mental wellbeing of my kids because we belong to a minority immigrant culture and I wanted to avoid the majority cultures social issues that many talk about here. My kids did not exclude any kid, and they were always had multiple groups of friends.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's important in the way you're describing. I think you're also ascribing a performative or popularity contest nature to it as "networking" when for at least some people it's genuine.

I like getting to know other parents and having community and learning more about school and other things that way. My kids like having a friend in camps, activities, so it's nice to coordinate. I like having people nearby we can causally have over for a playdate or meal on a weekend. We have traveled with other families and it's more fun and I feel like I have to entertain my kids less.

We have our own long standing friendships but the kid-related ones have their own value.

It's fine if others don't have that personality or bandwidth.