Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending
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Anonymous
| I think setting up a budget for her, so she can plan her own clothing spending is smart. Just keep talking about your values around brands and spending. She is listening, she's just at an age where peer pressure and conformity are important. |
Anonymous
Don’t they have uniforms? Uniforms were the best thing ever for my kid like that in private HS. |
Anonymous
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The school has uniforms. But we have since learned that you can still spend $$$ on a pleated skirt and polo shirts. This is the part that makes no sense we can buy two skirts that look very similar but as soon as she looks at the tag then the "expensive" skirt is the better one.
To the pp my wife thinks the same thing would happen in public school and thats why she's against moving DD. The budget starts this week. We'll see how it goes. |
Anonymous
The problem isn't going to be solved by budgeting. Your kid's problem is that she is comparing herself to others, and wants to fit in, which is of course normal for a tween/teen. I do think being in a pricey private school adds to this problem. Yes, this can happen at public school, too, but not as much. Unless you live in an expensive public school cachement, one can always find kids who are not super wealthy. My DD had somewhat of a similar problem when they were younger tween/teens. We live in an area that has a mix of pretty wealthy families - grandparents who give them expensive name brand bags, parents who buy their kids expensive cars, etc.. DD started to compare herself to her friends and would get jealous. We have talked to our kids since they were in ES about the importance of budgeting, and how trying to keep up with the joneses is never ending and doesn't really buy you much happiness in life. We told them that we don't put importance on our clothes, or what cars we drive. We put importance on experiences, like travel, and saving for the future. We could have afforded name brand things, but we don't see value n that. Of course, a 13 yr old can't really understand that concept, so while she outwardly said she understood, she inwardly was still very jealous and not happy that we wouldn't buy her expensive name brand anything like lululemon. At 13, you should tell your kid that if they want spending money to do with as they please, they should get a job at 16. We did that. Both my kids have had jobs since they were 16. DD is now almost 18 and about to go to college. She buys her own things, but she realizes that she doesn't have enough money to buy expensive things. She has splurged once or twice, and that caused her to be broke for like 3 weeks. So, she learned the budgeting lesson in real life. She now likes to shop at thrift or consignment stores sometimes. My oldest is almost 21, and they have bought themselves computers, phones, etc.. since they were 16 with money they saved. Both feel a sense of accomplishment and maturity when they are able to buy things for themselves with their own money. you need to change your kid's relationship with money, and teach her that keeping up with the joneses is not how you want to live. If you want to keep her in that private school due to academics, then you will just have to live with her bratty behavior until she can understand (if ever) about the value of money. |
Anonymous
At 13, she isn’t capable of earning much money beyond maybe a once off dog walking or something from a nice neighbor. Hold firm. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t cave to her consumerism. She is allowed to be angry and feel how she wants about it. However, she may not be disrespectful toward you because she is angry and if she is, give her consequences. |
Anonymous
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Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?
Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect? |
Anonymous
lol.. no. -signed a child of immigrants My DD has only known an umc lifestyle, and she has this problem. This happens to kids who are surrounded by wealth. Immigrant children are generally not surrounded by that much wealth. Yes, immigrant kids want to assimilate but that means being a normal American teenager with normal American teen clothing. Lululemon clothing is not normal for the average American kid. That's a wealthy person issue, not an immigrant kid issue. |
Anonymous
| This stuff is really important to kids. I think you are being cheap. She can babysit if you won't buy here clothes that aren't from Target. |
Anonymous
How did you gather that? OP isn’t being cheap at all. Insisting on a new backpack in April, then another new backpack in fall (if the one in April isn’t cool anymore) is ridiculous. I don’t care how much money you have, I wouldn’t do this. Such a profound waste. OP said she literally bought the kid lululemon clothes SHE picked out. But then got mad when she learned they were actually bought on sale (which I guess she interrupted as not cool anymore?) and wanted to then rebuy other stuff. This is total brat behavior and I wouldn’t not give in to this. If she is snotty and disrespectful about it, I would take phone away. |
Anonymous
I would stop focusing on trying to “get through to her” or teach her anything. Just figure out where your line in the sand with regard to spending is and stick to it. Be consistent and keep your head down. She will eventually adapt, and she will learn more from your actions than your words. |
Anonymous
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My 13yo DD is also in private school (8th) and doesn't behave like this. She likes expensive sneakers which I won't buy so she got herself a job as a mothers helper twice a month and earns money to buy shoes she wants but doesn't need.
Her clothes are mostly from the thrift store so on the occasion she wants something new I accommodate that. |
Anonymous
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I tell my kids they can use their own money. 15 year old has a job at an ice cream shop.
My kids complain about our house. It is small compared to others. We are both teachers so while we do fine we are not rich. I just tell them we have other priorities. We could have a big house but nothing else. We could have nice clothes but never travel. We could have other jobs that pay well, but possibly have to work more and no extensive summer travel. We prioritize based on our income as that is that. It is hard living in an area where there is so much money. We are far from poor, but not rich - it just feels differently in this area. |
Anonymous
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Definitely do the budget
It’s harder for younger kids to earn money these days, see what you can do to help her find something Subtly encourage positive relationships/experiences. This is a regret I have with one of my children who went off the rails. I focused everything on fixing the problem (therapy, discipline, etc) and not enough on adding good things |
Anonymous
Because kids don’t inherently understand the concept of costs, sales, quality, value, etc. that is a skill that has to be taught. |
Anonymous
She should be in a private school with a uniform. Solves a lot of problems right there. |