Facing Feelings of Envy Towards Lucky Sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This exact topic pops up at least once a year. Always a rich younger sister with perfect husband.

Same thread earlier this week. Tiring.

Stop downing this woman on her copycat thread. She obviously wants everything everybody else has and will be jealous of the other thread posters then beat herself down for that as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I could be the “lucky” sister in this dynamic (down to the detail of expecting the second child) but minus the childhood trauma. What I wish my sister understood (and I hope you can OP - you seem at least willing to confront your jealousy) is that life is not a competition. Unchain yourself from the victim mentality - your life didn’t just “happen to you” - it’s the result of choices you made. Own them, and take control of your future instead of being jealous of others. There will always be someone with a “better” life/marriage/looks/money/kids.

Wow, so she "chose" the difficult pregnancy and alcoholic husband? People like you who punch down are really something.

Op here. This here is what really hurts me. I chose what I thought was a well educated UMC professional who declared that he loved me and proposed to me. At the time he seemed like a catch and was madly in love with me. His addiction issues became more obvious over the years.

I also do not drink or smoke or party. There was no reason for me to have reproductive health issues that almost killed me.

These were pure bad luck.

My sister also married an UMC professional who turned out to actually be a great guy and husband and she is very fertile!

This is pure good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lets just say I have a younger sister whose life is a phantom of the life I had wanted and worked very hard for but that it blew up in my face disastrously over the past 5 years. We both grew up in financial strife and were both parentified and spent a lot of our younger life spending a lot of time and emotional labor on our family of origin. We also spent a lot of money we did not have on our other siblings.

She met and married a wonderful guy who in addition to being madly in love with her is set to inherit multimillions from his wealthy family. Her in laws are rich but also kind and generous. They truly love her and bring love and stability into her life that we did not really have growing up. She already has one beautiful child and is pregnant with her second; pregnant at first try with easiest pregnancies ever. They are now looking to buy million dollar house for their growing family. Every special occasion her in laws and husband shower her with so many presents, in addition to multiple trips a year.

Her life is a stark contrast to mine. I do fine for myself. I live in a safe clean apartment. I have a job making 150k. I was married but unlike her I almost died trying to get pregnant and my husband was an alcoholic who serially cheated on me and his family emotionally abused me. I am a shell of a person.

Its really really hard not to be triggered by my sister and her good luck and her perfect life. I am green with envy and it is increasingly hard to be around her. I feel like a total loser and less than. Like somehow she must be more deserving or a better person than I that she gets to live the 1% version of the American dream.

You are only human, feeling envy doesn't mean you aren't happy and relieved that she is doing better and you don't have another reason to worry or another burden to carry. Don't be so tough on yourself.

Op here. Of course. I love my sister and I’m happy for her and I love my niece and my brother in law. I’m lucky to have them in my life! And this so nice to see my sibling do really well and break the generational trauma of poverty.

It’s also really hard to see her literally live the life I wanted, too!!! I deserved a happy ending too! I made good choices, I worked on my trauma, I worked really hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:





Is this a repeat troll? We've had three of these posts in the last few days.

Yes. And from the looks of the comments on this thread, the troll is succeeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:





Is this a repeat troll? We've had three of these posts in the last few days.

Yes, it is. And they have a few other trolly threads going at the moment. Entertaining if you treat them as fiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with all these "feelings" that one feels is that if it wasn't a "lucky" sibling, it'd be a lucky cousin or a friend or a friend-of-a-friend. At the end of the day, we do not all get what we want and/or other people have. The real problem for you is to start thinking in terms of some "invisible hand" that gave your sister more than to you ("she's a more deserving or a better person"). Your sister didn't turn your husband into an alcoholic or his family abusive or you having problems to conceive. You need to get out of your victim mentality. Or not and complain in 10 years about more things that go well for your "lucky" sister. If you were Kate Middleton's sister, you'd most likely already be dead from envy, even if she'd had her health setbacks.

Ha! I bet Kate Middleton is insanely jealous of her sister.

Her little sister married a super rich aristocrat for love and gets to live her life in luxury and privacy. Kate Middleton was routinely publicly humiliated by her boyfriend throughout her 20’s until she was the last woman standing. Their marriage looks cold and she has to live next door to a pedophile uncle. Her children will live in the same toxic dynamic that resulted in her husband’s estrangement with his only brother and her late mother in law’s death.

Sure, someday she’ll be queen and get to play dress up with real jewels and crowns. (If the monarchy lasts that long)

Pippa is the lucky sister in this scenario — and the only reason Pippa had access to this lifestyle is because of Kate’s connections. Kate’s parents and her siblings are living a life they could never have imagined without Kate’s enduring humiliation and cold marriage. I bet Kate is green with envy.

Kate did "win" golden-child status in her family, though, and her mother's laser-focussed attention and Kate and her royal children. Pippa probably resents that, and there's a lot of speculation about why Pippa was in Mustique during Kate's surgery, etc. But yes, Pippa is living her best life now, with her own family, her big country house, and a husband who treats her well.

I'm the PP who mentioned the envy of Kate, I actually am not into all the royal drama and just thought that a sibling who becomes a queen is envy-inducing to the majority of women! But you all are correct, Pippa did do very well for herself. Maybe if it's an older sibling who has "good luck", it ends up benefitting the younger siblings. Like Pippa would have never moved in the circles she does if it wasn't for Kate. But if a younger sibling gets "lucky", the older siblings, especially sisters, cannot be happy for them.

As for the OP, as someone mentioned, life is not a zero-sum game. You get what you get and what you sister has is hers. You have to figure out your life regardless. Your major issue is that you couldn't have children: this is something you have to work through.

[Anonymous]

I was and still sort of am the lucky subling.
But let me tell you, the financial disparity between my and my spouse's family was a power struggle throughout the marriage. On the outside it all looked easy. But life expectations and values around money can be hard to merge.
We separated 10 years ago but we are still married. He is grateful for how I raised the kids so we still stay married and there is some deep appreciation we have for the institution. I am a worker Bee for myself and his business (i know a lot of tech and he really doesn't but needs that jnowledge). Anyways, my marriage is still a work in progress. I am here to let you know it is not all roses.

[Anonymous]

Remind yourself at making 150k a year you are in the 1 percent too.

[Anonymous]

No "luck" about it.

[Anonymous]

OP - it sounds a a if you did your best to make the best decisions and had some very bad luck, particularly the fertility.

However, if I were you and wanted to have a good relationship in the future I would be in therapy. Seriously, you had a relationship with someone with serious problems and you apparently did not see it coming. You are attracted to unhealthy relationships. If you cannot see that you cannot break the cycle.

The ability to have a healthy relationship is not luck. The money, etc, may be luck in part but is just window dressing, the difference in happiness is not the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remind yourself at making 150k a year you are in the 1 percent too.

No they aren’t. That’s like the 20%.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you see your sister for who she is, not an "image." My brother called me "lifestyles of the rich and famous" behind my back, and he finally got to know me and we are close now. Wealthy people just want company and friendship, and people they trust in their lives. A lot of people try to befriend them and those are "transactional relationships," which are disheartening. My DC has a lot of friends who cannot afford the places he would like to go to, and DC is always happy to treat. DC does not want to go to these places alone; DC is so glad they accept his offer and they have a great time. We went out with a billionaire not too long ago, and I thought he was on top of the world with his lifestyle. There was a tragic death in his family one month later. I thought to myself that I wouldn't trade places with him for anything. It's normal to feel the way you do, but there are many nuances and look deeper at things as life progresses. Rich people don't feel rich because their friends have even more money! It's all relative. Many people wish they had your life.

[Anonymous]

Envy on OP’s scale has nothing to do with what her sister has and what she doesn’t. It is completely OP’s mental issue that she needs to figure out or get counseling for.

Separately, people who seem to “have it all” rarely do. My DH and I are self-made wealthy, and in our professional circles, we know many people who are very wealthy, either self-made or inherited or both. My DH jokes “to get rich, you can’t be normal” and “normal people aren’t rich, and rich people aren’t normal.” Of course these are generalizations, but it’s true that very, very few of the wealthy people we know are down-to-earth with healthy, happy marriages, they are mostly nuts or married to nuts and have lots of problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Envy on OP’s scale has nothing to do with what her sister has and what she doesn’t. It is completely OP’s mental issue that she needs to figure out or get counseling for.

Separately, people who seem to “have it all” rarely do. My DH and I are self-made wealthy, and in our professional circles, we know many people who are very wealthy, either self-made or inherited or both. My DH jokes “to get rich, you can’t be normal” and “normal people aren’t rich, and rich people aren’t normal.” Of course these are generalizations, but it’s true that very, very few of the wealthy people we know are down-to-earth with healthy, happy marriages, they are mostly nuts or married to nuts and have lots of problems.

This is all about the people you know, and not about "rich people."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happiness is not a pie; just because your sister has happiness it does not mean there is less happiness in the world for you to have.

The feeling of "you vs. her" is likely due to the trauma you both experienced, especially if it felt like there were finite resources of love/affection available from your parents.

Also, we do not live in a good person/bad person world where we all get to reap rewards in life based on whether we are good people or not. This is a childlike way to look at the world. (I'm not judging you, just pointing it out. it's very common for traumatized children to stay "stuck" in one way or another.)

Trauma therapy could change your life. It did for me. I hope you find a way to get the help you deserve.

Great advice.