Facing Feelings of Envy Towards Lucky Sibling

[Anonymous]

Lets just say I have a younger sister whose life is a phantom of the life I had wanted and worked very hard for but that it blew up in my face disastrously over the past 5 years. We both grew up in financial strife and were both parentified and spent a lot of our younger life spending a lot of time and emotional labor on our family of origin. We also spent a lot of money we did not have on our other siblings.

She met and married a wonderful guy who in addition to being madly in love with her is set to inherit multimillions from his wealthy family. Her in laws are rich but also kind and generous. They truly love her and bring love and stability into her life that we did not really have growing up. She already has one beautiful child and is pregnant with her second; pregnant at first try with easiest pregnancies ever. They are now looking to buy million dollar house for their growing family. Every special occasion her in laws and husband shower her with so many presents, in addition to multiple trips a year.

Her life is a stark contrast to mine. I do fine for myself. I live in a safe clean apartment. I have a job making 150k. I was married but unlike her I almost died trying to get pregnant and my husband was an alcoholic who serially cheated on me and his family emotionally abused me. I am a shell of a person.

Its really really hard not to be triggered by my sister and her good luck and her perfect life. I am green with envy and it is increasingly hard to be around her. I feel like a total loser and less than. Like somehow she must be more deserving or a better person than I that she gets to live the 1% version of the American dream.

[Anonymous]

First of all, it's okay to give voice to these feelings. Better to vent that suppress them. Second, it sounds like you have overcome a lot in leaving your family of origin and building a good life for yourself. You have a good job and your own apartment. You have your health after what sounds like a terrible scare. You can support yourself. Given the circumstances in which you grew up, these are real achievements.

It's hard not to compare ourselves to our siblings because we know we are playing with the same deck, genetically. But you don't know everything about your sister's life. It's possible not everything is as sunny and easy as it may seem on the outside. And you have proven yourself to be extremely capable of achieving things that may seem statistically impossible, too.

[Anonymous]

Happiness is not a pie; just because your sister has happiness it does not mean there is less happiness in the world for you to have.

The feeling of "you vs. her" is likely due to the trauma you both experienced, especially if it felt like there were finite resources of love/affection available from your parents.

Also, we do not live in a good person/bad person world where we all get to reap rewards in life based on whether we are good people or not. This is a childlike way to look at the world. (I'm not judging you, just pointing it out. it's very common for traumatized children to stay "stuck" in one way or another.)

Trauma therapy could change your life. It did for me. I hope you find a way to get the help you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Maybe therapy to work on through feelings.

[Anonymous]

The problem with all these "feelings" that one feels is that if it wasn't a "lucky" sibling, it'd be a lucky cousin or a friend or a friend-of-a-friend. At the end of the day, we do not all get what we want and/or other people have. The real problem for you is to start thinking in terms of some "invisible hand" that gave your sister more than to you ("she's a more deserving or a better person"). Your sister didn't turn your husband into an alcoholic or his family abusive or you having problems to conceive. You need to get out of your victim mentality. Or not and complain in 10 years about more things that go well for your "lucky" sister. If you were Kate Middleton's sister, you'd most likely already be dead from envy, even if she'd had her health setbacks.

[Anonymous]

This exact topic pops up at least once a year. Always a rich younger sister with perfect husband.

[Anonymous]

It boils down to being grateful for what you have, and taking the steps to change the circumstances that make you unhappy. You have to stop seeing yourself as a victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This exact topic pops up at least once a year. Always a rich younger sister with perfect husband.

I feel like it’s every other month. There was an almost identical post very recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This exact topic pops up at least once a year. Always a rich younger sister with perfect husband.

Same thread earlier this week. Tiring.

[Anonymous]

Here we go again...

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1320066.page

[Anonymous]

Of the 7 deadly sins, envy is the only one that isn't fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This exact topic pops up at least once a year. Always a rich younger sister with perfect husband.

And we just had another a few days ago. This one sounds familiar, from maybe a few months ago. I feel for you, OP. Definitely therapy, but is there anything you can do to focusing on making your own life better, give yourself a goal, so you have a dream to achieve, rather than focusing on your sister?

[Anonymous]

If it makes OP feel any better, my brother is worth over $100 million with a wife who is a former model. I’m a GS drone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with all these "feelings" that one feels is that if it wasn't a "lucky" sibling, it'd be a lucky cousin or a friend or a friend-of-a-friend. At the end of the day, we do not all get what we want and/or other people have. The real problem for you is to start thinking in terms of some "invisible hand" that gave your sister more than to you ("she's a more deserving or a better person"). Your sister didn't turn your husband into an alcoholic or his family abusive or you having problems to conceive. You need to get out of your victim mentality. Or not and complain in 10 years about more things that go well for your "lucky" sister. If you were Kate Middleton's sister, you'd most likely already be dead from envy, even if she'd had her health setbacks.

Ha! I bet Kate Middleton is insanely jealous of her sister.

Her little sister married a super rich aristocrat for love and gets to live her life in luxury and privacy. Kate Middleton was routinely publicly humiliated by her boyfriend throughout her 20’s until she was the last woman standing. Their marriage looks cold and she has to live next door to a pedophile uncle. Her children will live in the same toxic dynamic that resulted in her husband’s estrangement with his only brother and her late mother in law’s death.

Sure, someday she’ll be queen and get to play dress up with real jewels and crowns. (If the monarchy lasts that long)

Pippa is the lucky sister in this scenario — and the only reason Pippa had access to this lifestyle is because of Kate’s connections. Kate’s parents and her siblings are living a life they could never have imagined without Kate’s enduring humiliation and cold marriage. I bet Kate is green with envy.

[Anonymous]

Wow I could be the “lucky” sister in this dynamic (down to the detail of expecting the second child) but minus the childhood trauma. What I wish my sister understood (and I hope you can OP - you seem at least willing to confront your jealousy) is that life is not a competition. Unchain yourself from the victim mentality - your life didn’t just “happen to you” - it’s the result of choices you made. Own them, and take control of your future instead of being jealous of others. There will always be someone with a “better” life/marriage/looks/money/kids.