Question for adoption moms whose children sought out their birth mom

[Anonymous]

You should have been trained to anticipate this desire on the part of your child. (I say that as an adoptive parent myself.)

It is not about you or how you raised her.

Your reaction will only make this more difficult for your child.

Seek counseling to work through your feelings. Don’t burden her with them.

(Please think of her own needs before your own. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

this is patently not true. My children's birth mom completely walked away from my 2 DCs once they were removed from her care due to neglect. She never visited, departed for another country, and went on to have a new relationship and children. She just quit on them. Even though I have never spoken ill of birth mom and have tried to explain some of the factors which I think may have driven her behavior, my children's rage and pain is still incandescent. Not writing this to support an "adoptive parent as savior" paradigm but to point out that the beatification of birth mothers is often erroneous as well. But I would still support them if they decided they wanted to contact her, because I think there is often the belief that circling back to meet birth mom can bring some degree of closure as well as answer questions. It often doesn't though, and can dredge up more pain, so just make sure you are being as supportive as possible and getting some adoption competent therapists to help your child (and you) navigate it.

It's impossible to say what was going on with her. She may not have walked away but was told she could never get her kids back from the social workers/attorneys and gave up, not knowing what to do. Or, there was more going on like mental health or substance abuse and she needed way more support than she was offered. Some social workers are great and go above and beyond, some are lousy and some are incompetent or so bias that they make it impossible as they set up the kids to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

Most adopt for their needs and wants, not the child’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

Most adopt for their needs and wants, not the child’s.

Adoption is about finding the best possible parents for a particular baby.

I call op a con. There is no way an adoptive parent is this ignorant. All have to go through pre adoption counseling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

Most adopt for their needs and wants, not the child’s.

Adoption is about finding the best possible parents for a particular baby.

I call op a con. There is no way an adoptive parent is this ignorant. All have to go through pre adoption counseling

That’s the ideal. Reality is very different

[Anonymous]

I sought mine out for health reasons, not really because I wanted to know about my backstory or know about them. I was going through a couple years of trying to find a diagnosis and was hoping birth family may have answers. My mom acted like she was supportive but she made the whole experience miserable for me. She had this near constant need for validation and kept asking questions to make sure she was "better" than my birth mom. It made an already stressful situation more stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

I am not bitter. This something you have to realize is the entire paradigm shift.
What you call "responsible" says it all, we spend more time and money helping infertile couples get a baby than we do helping birth parents keep their baby. Adoptive parents aren't the winners because they view the birth parents as irresponsible. You are assuming that the birth parents aren't going to be loving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

I am not bitter. This something you have to realize is the entire paradigm shift.
What you call "responsible" says it all, we spend more time and money helping infertile couples get a baby than we do helping birth parents keep their baby. Adoptive parents aren't the winners because they view the birth parents as irresponsible. You are assuming that the birth parents aren't going to be loving.

I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help.

My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond.

So....

-birth mom doesn't know the father
-birth mom can't afford a kid
-birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up)
-birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch

There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

I am not bitter. This something you have to realize is the entire paradigm shift.
What you call "responsible" says it all, we spend more time and money helping infertile couples get a baby than we do helping birth parents keep their baby. Adoptive parents aren't the winners because they view the birth parents as irresponsible. You are assuming that the birth parents aren't going to be loving.

I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help.

My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond.

So....

-birth mom doesn't know the father
-birth mom can't afford a kid
-birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up)
-birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch

There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash.

Is this child lesser than other kids in the family as you keep referring to her as the adoptive daughter vs. daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help.

My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond.

So....

-birth mom doesn't know the father
-birth mom can't afford a kid
-birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up)
-birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch

There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash.


Is this child lesser than other kids in the family as you keep referring to her as the adoptive daughter vs. daughter.

Oh please. This is a thread about children who have been adopted. The PP is just trying to be clear about birth mom vs. adoptive mom, etc. Though I will say I find the language policing a little discordant. Would you tell an adoptee that they are treating their adoptive mother as "lesser" when they distinguish between their adoptive mother and their birth mother, and insist that they should always refer to her simply as their mother no matter the context of the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help.

My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond.

So....

-birth mom doesn't know the father
-birth mom can't afford a kid
-birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up)
-birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch

There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash.


Is this child lesser than other kids in the family as you keep referring to her as the adoptive daughter vs. daughter.

Oh please. This is a thread about children who have been adopted. The PP is just trying to be clear about birth mom vs. adoptive mom, etc. Though I will say I find the language policing a little discordant. Would you tell an adoptee that they are treating their adoptive mother as "lesser" when they distinguish between their adoptive mother and their birth mother, and insist that they should always refer to her simply as their mother no matter the context of the conversation.

So, you call your child adopted child? Not good. That’s why yours may have trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

I am not bitter. This something you have to realize is the entire paradigm shift.
What you call "responsible" says it all, we spend more time and money helping infertile couples get a baby than we do helping birth parents keep their baby. Adoptive parents aren't the winners because they view the birth parents as irresponsible. You are assuming that the birth parents aren't going to be loving.

I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help.

My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond.

So....

-birth mom doesn't know the father
-birth mom can't afford a kid
-birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up)
-birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch

There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash.

Is this child lesser than other kids in the family as you keep referring to her as the adoptive daughter vs. daughter.

PP. I am a friend. I am writing for clarity in this forum. My friend has only two children, both adopted from the U.S. as babies during the 2010s. They are called son and daughter. One from a closed adoption and one from an open adoption. The extended family is a warm one. There is no discrimination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

I am not bitter. This something you have to realize is the entire paradigm shift.
What you call "responsible" says it all, we spend more time and money helping infertile couples get a baby than we do helping birth parents keep their baby. Adoptive parents aren't the winners because they view the birth parents as irresponsible. You are assuming that the birth parents aren't going to be loving.

I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help.

My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond.

So....

-birth mom doesn't know the father
-birth mom can't afford a kid
-birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up)
-birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch

There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash.

Is this child lesser than other kids in the family as you keep referring to her as the adoptive daughter vs. daughter.

PP. I am a friend. I am writing for clarity in this forum. My friend has only two children, both adopted from the U.S. as babies during the 2010s. They are called son and daughter. One from a closed adoption and one from an open adoption. The extended family is a warm one. There is no discrimination.

So, you use others as a talking point with no real experience. No one needs your third hand knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

I am not bitter. This something you have to realize is the entire paradigm shift.
What you call "responsible" says it all, we spend more time and money helping infertile couples get a baby than we do helping birth parents keep their baby. Adoptive parents aren't the winners because they view the birth parents as irresponsible. You are assuming that the birth parents aren't going to be loving.

I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help.

My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond.

So....

-birth mom doesn't know the father
-birth mom can't afford a kid
-birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up)
-birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch

There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash.

Is this child lesser than other kids in the family as you keep referring to her as the adoptive daughter vs. daughter.

PP. I am a friend. I am writing for clarity in this forum. My friend has only two children, both adopted from the U.S. as babies during the 2010s. They are called son and daughter. One from a closed adoption and one from an open adoption. The extended family is a warm one. There is no discrimination.

So, you use others as a talking point with no real experience. No one needs your third hand knowledge.

You are right. These third hand knowledge stories are nothing but hurtful gossip.
Sometimes the adoption agency closes the adoption. They do this by telling the family that the birth mom doesn’t want contact while at the same time telling the birth mom that the adoptive parents are not open to more contact.