Social Class Considerations

[Anonymous]

I think it can work really well when the lower SES partner is scrappy and hard-working, and the higher SES partner has generational wealth an is established in their community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous.

My mom grew up working class. She was the first in her family to graduate high school. She ended up graduating in the top 10% of her law school class.

My dad grew up upper middle class. He also graduated in the top 10% of the same law school class.

They have been married since 1978.

It’s different if the woman was the partner that grew up lower class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything is a consideration, but you cant generalize - it really depends on the people. Where this match is most likely to have problems that aren’t obvious until it’s too late is kids, like if the UMC partner wants private school, golf lessons, SAT tutor, etc., and the LMC one thinks its a waste of money because they turned out fine without it. Money issues with parents too - go to the family forum for plenty of those stories.

All of this. My ex-DH envies all the ways I have given our kids a headstart in life. I don't think he realized just how early the upbringings of UMC kids diverge from that of LMC kids until he saw all the ways I strategize our kids' success. It's really weird how resentful he gets about it. Almost as if he doesn't want the kids to do better than him on a very deep level that he denies to himself. I think even the sincere desire to have your kids do better and the willingness to work to ensure that (not just vaguely hope for it) also differs among the classes.

This just made me vomit in my mouth

[Anonymous]

Not consciously, but for example, I want to date a guy with clean fingernails and who knows how to dress appropriately for various occasions. I also want to date a guy who is not so far removed from "regular" people that he can't relate to them or have a comfortable conversation with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't put people in categories

This is stupid. It's like saying you're color blind.

It's never as simple as saying that everyone who is LC or MC or UMC is the same because of course that's not true, but ignoring your backgrounds, expectations, etc. is a stupid thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's like consideration #100. There are so many other things that cause problems.

I disagree. If you’re looking for a life partner, and potentially someone to raise children with, there are *some* more important things than social class, but it’s not that far down the list. Social class is very intertwined with money, and all kinds of marriage stressors pop up around money. Lack of, spending priorities, lifestyle expectations, retirement goals, etiquette norms, family of origin expectations…

My husband and I have all of these issues, but if I tell you our class backgrounds, you’d never guess which is which. I come from a blue color union family; my parents were and are extremely prudent with money, always lived within their means and placed a high priority on education. My husband is a son of a college professor and a book editor, and he hen don’t believe in talking about money - you spend and then figure it out later, because YOLO and all achievements are measured in spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything is a consideration, but you cant generalize - it really depends on the people. Where this match is most likely to have problems that aren’t obvious until it’s too late is kids, like if the UMC partner wants private school, golf lessons, SAT tutor, etc., and the LMC one thinks its a waste of money because they turned out fine without it. Money issues with parents too - go to the family forum for plenty of those stories.

All of this. My ex-DH envies all the ways I have given our kids a headstart in life. I don't think he realized just how early the upbringings of UMC kids diverge from that of LMC kids until he saw all the ways I strategize our kids' success. It's really weird how resentful he gets about it. Almost as if he doesn't want the kids to do better than him on a very deep level that he denies to himself. I think even the sincere desire to have your kids do better and the willingness to work to ensure that (not just vaguely hope for it) also differs among the classes.

This just made me vomit in my mouth

It’s TRUE though. Poster is correct and a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Methinks the Lady of the Manor is considering having relations with the yardman again.

No, it's the mother or sister who is concerned.

[Anonymous]

I honestly find this difference difficult when the woman is from a LMC background. In my circle of top earners (7 & 8 figure earning men-finance, BigLaw) the most successful ones are always married to woman who come from a professional background and have class. Some of them have had serious careers at one point, some of them not, but they always hailed from a family that did well. I notice at corporate events, the wives of men who hail from these backgrounds are extremely comfortable regardless of their own resume. They can speak to travel, real estate and various lifestyle chit chat with an ease that someone from a LMC could never be able to.
Women respect men who come from blue collar roots or LMC backgrounds, but not the other way.

[Anonymous]

I know one wealthy woman who married a blue collar worker. She inherited nothing, but they lived a love story until he died. One daughter went to boarding school mom. The other is an animal trainer. Boarding school daughter became wealthy herself. The family is very loving.

Another umc woman married a blue collar worker. Single daughter. Loving, happy family. By all accounts a very happy bedroom life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything is a consideration, but you cant generalize - it really depends on the people. Where this match is most likely to have problems that aren’t obvious until it’s too late is kids, like if the UMC partner wants private school, golf lessons, SAT tutor, etc., and the LMC one thinks its a waste of money because they turned out fine without it. Money issues with parents too - go to the family forum for plenty of those stories.

All of this. My ex-DH envies all the ways I have given our kids a headstart in life. I don't think he realized just how early the upbringings of UMC kids diverge from that of LMC kids until he saw all the ways I strategize our kids' success. It's really weird how resentful he gets about it. Almost as if he doesn't want the kids to do better than him on a very deep level that he denies to himself. I think even the sincere desire to have your kids do better and the willingness to work to ensure that (not just vaguely hope for it) also differs among the classes.

This just made me vomit in my mouth

It’s TRUE though. Poster is correct and a good parent.

YOU might think it's true. Of course I make decisions that I think are in my kids' best interests, including where they go to school, etc., but I would never, in a million years, say that I am strategizing their success. I think basic parenting requires that you teach kids about good sleep, hygiene, healthy eating, exercise, education, and pursuing interests. But if someone said the above to me in real life I would have zero interest in being friends with them. Sounds like some kind of SAHM BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you consider the social class background of someone when you’re dating them?

I really wonder if a harmonious match can be made in a cross-class union. An UMC woman married to a LMC man? That wouldn’t end so well!

It depends on people and circumstances but odds are always better for compatibility. Just like same age or education group tend to have better odds, similar financial background makes it easier. Obviously lots of similar backgrounds marriages fail or suffer so no guarantees, just improved odds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you consider the social class background of someone when you’re dating them?

I really wonder if a harmonious match can be made in a cross-class union. An UMC woman married to a LMC man? That wouldn’t end so well!

Elaborate. Do you mean, had UMC and LMC family background or UMC and LMC due to their own net-worth difference currently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you consider the social class background of someone when you’re dating them?

I really wonder if a harmonious match can be made in a cross-class union. An UMC woman married to a LMC man? That wouldn’t end so well!

I guess JD and Usha are making it work.

Melania and DT also making it work. Obama and Michelle are also from different backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

It depends. Some people are always dragged down by problems of their LMC family members and that makes it complicated. They often have their own debt as well. Even if they are earning well, most of their income goes toward their debt and their birth family, they can't contribute much to new household.