When they're not where you expect them to be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call them and say why are you at location? Why are you pussy-footing around this?

That’s what I always did. My reaction would depend on the answer. For most of my kids, their answer was satisfactory enough for me to remind them that they need to let me know if plans change. Also if there was an issue about where they were, I’d remind them that their location requires permission. It was enough for me to remind them I will always know.

With one of mine, being at an unexpected place resulted in panic because that one had mental health issues and was frequently suicidal. But that’s an entirely different issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

+1. I don’t track my 13 year old but I tell him he has to be home at a certain time, tell me who he is with and roughly where they are going, and is not allowed to go inside houses without telling me.

Op here, yeah, that makes sense. But if the plan is "I have xyz club till 5:30 and then I'll take the bus home or get a ride with Billy," there should be a text saying "club got out early, I'll stop by 7/11 before coming home at the usual time or earlier."

Stuff like this makes me sad for this generation. I loved just wandering with my friends at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

+1. I don’t track my 13 year old but I tell him he has to be home at a certain time, tell me who he is with and roughly where they are going, and is not allowed to go inside houses without telling me.

Op here, yeah, that makes sense. But if the plan is "I have xyz club till 5:30 and then I'll take the bus home or get a ride with Billy," there should be a text saying "club got out early, I'll stop by 7/11 before coming home at the usual time or earlier."

Stuff like this makes me sad for this generation. I loved just wandering with my friends at this age.

But you probably had a default plan, right? Like I'll be waking around the neighborhood or at so and so houses, home by dinnertime?

[Anonymous]

Do you drink coffee?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

+1. I don’t track my 13 year old but I tell him he has to be home at a certain time, tell me who he is with and roughly where they are going, and is not allowed to go inside houses without telling me.

Op here, yeah, that makes sense. But if the plan is "I have xyz club till 5:30 and then I'll take the bus home or get a ride with Billy," there should be a text saying "club got out early, I'll stop by 7/11 before coming home at the usual time or earlier."

I’d be fine with my kid showing up at the appointed time and explaining what happened when they got home. If generally 7-11 was an ok destination previously agreed upon as in bounds etc.

I think 13 is old for this level of asking for a blow by blow of all movement ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 year old that gets more freedom than this. After school we know she is generally wandering toward home and there are pit stops and I don’t know what ones she is taking or how long etc. (she is a walker) Yes I want you to tell me if the plan is Sally’s dad is taking us to the mall and I’ll be home hours later than normal. But OP what you are describing, to me, should not be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

+1. I don’t track my 13 year old but I tell him he has to be home at a certain time, tell me who he is with and roughly where they are going, and is not allowed to go inside houses without telling me.

Op here, yeah, that makes sense. But if the plan is "I have xyz club till 5:30 and then I'll take the bus home or get a ride with Billy," there should be a text saying "club got out early, I'll stop by 7/11 before coming home at the usual time or earlier."

I firmly disagree. She is old enough to decide what to dos when a club gets out early. She made a response choice by making the bus as planned and a sweet choice by buying for someone else. Don’t ruin this by needing to know where she is all the time. Your knowledge of her location doesn’t actually keep her safe - just anxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call them and say why are you at location? Why are you pussy-footing around this?

One reason not to do this is they will realize you are constantly watching them and as they get older there are ways to evade this level of scrutiny. You can believe they will be way better at this than you are.

We have Find My on our teens devices and yes I look at it occasionally mostly to check on when kids will be home if they are on the way to plan food. If it shows me something surprising, I ask general questions about how the day went, how was such and such, who went with you, etc. 9 times out of 10, they’ll tell you.

Do not treat your children like a tagged animal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your not supposed to try to catch them in a lie, right?

why?

We have told our DD that we don't mind if her plans change but she needs to notify us.

So the one time I saw her location was not where she said she was going to be- I just called and said "what are you doing and why are you not at X location...'

OMG Stasi Mom, give it a rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends where they were...

Looks like 7-11 and a park.

I would approach with curiosity...why weren't you at the after school club where you were supposed to be? And then talk respectfully about safety and how you need to know where she is in case anything happens. Explain the importance of trust and communication as they continue in their teen years.

Op here. This is basically how it went down. She came bounding in excited that the club ended early and was proud that she went to 7-11 to get family members some Valentine's Day candies. So I didn't even have to ask where she was. She also said that in the park she ate too much chocolate and now her stomach hurt so she wanted a big salad or something healthy for dinner.

We talked about how that was a sweet idea but I needed to know about change of plans. She's a new babysitter so also unaccustomed to having $ available so we briefly talked about spending choices.

I'm glad I didn't go with my first instinct to call or text angrily, "where the heck are you?!"

How can someone babysit when they are treated like a small child themself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

+1. I don’t track my 13 year old but I tell him he has to be home at a certain time, tell me who he is with and roughly where they are going, and is not allowed to go inside houses without telling me.

Op here, yeah, that makes sense. But if the plan is "I have xyz club till 5:30 and then I'll take the bus home or get a ride with Billy," there should be a text saying "club got out early, I'll stop by 7/11 before coming home at the usual time or earlier."

Stuff like this makes me sad for this generation. I loved just wandering with my friends at this age.

But you probably had a default plan, right? Like I'll be waking around the neighborhood or at so and so houses, home by dinnertime?

It sounds like this girl also had a default plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 12 year old that gets more freedom than this. After school we know she is generally wandering toward home and there are pit stops and I don’t know what ones she is taking or how long etc. (she is a walker) Yes I want you to tell me if the plan is Sally’s dad is taking us to the mall and I’ll be home hours later than normal. But OP what you are describing, to me, should not be a big deal.

+1
My 13 walks home. She doesn't have to tell us if she stops to buy a snack or swings by the library to pick up a book. I would expect notification of a more substantial detour, but certainly not a blow-by-blow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

13 seems too young to have that level of freedom. Hanging out in public with other kids, public transport? My daughter is always with me. She's with friends under supervision. She's mature and responsible but she's still a child, I don't want her wandering around, it's not safe, so many things could go wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

13 seems too young to have that level of freedom. Hanging out in public with other kids, public transport? My daughter is always with me. She's with friends under supervision. She's mature and responsible but she's still a child, I don't want her wandering around, it's not safe, so many things could go wrong.

This is probably satire and if not, good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

13 seems too young to have that level of freedom. Hanging out in public with other kids, public transport? My daughter is always with me. She's with friends under supervision. She's mature and responsible but she's still a child, I don't want her wandering around, it's not safe, so many things could go wrong.

A lot of this may be dependent on where you live. City vs burb, etc. City kids IME have more autonomy and freedom because it is easier to get around.