24 Year Old DD with ASD Doesn’t Want to Leave the House

[Anonymous]

How did she get through college? Did something happen recently that might have triggered this new surge of anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know what kind of life she is desiring? Does she have goals? I had major social anxiety but forced myself to get a job and roommates after college because I wanted a regular life. I could see if I wasn’t embarrassed to tell my parents about all my anxieties and they allowed me to wallow in them I would feel like it’s ok to not do anything and stay safe at home with books, hobbies etc.. Luckily with practice the anxiety has lessened to the point that I have friends, a husband, children, etc and a life I enjoy.

She doesn’t have friends and doesn’t really want them, and she isn’t on social media, doesn’t even have a data plan, and not very career-oriented. She is trying to get a job at the moment but anxiety is making that a struggle, though, and she’s had relationships and wants a family.

PP whose son was like this. Two things. Therapy was useless for us. It doesn’t work for everyone. So if it’s not working for your daughter then give it up. Don’t expect it to fix anything if it isn’t working.

As for jobs, I actually did the applications and got a job for my son. It’s not a forever job (he’s now in college
And has moved past his desire to never leave the house). But if I had left it to him, I’m not sure he’d have left the house yet.

The thing that motivates me is that I know that after I’m gone, my son has to be able to care for himself. It keeps me focused on what I need to do to move my son forward to complete independence. And like I said, success begets success so my role is pretty minimal at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is someone always home with her or is she ok being home alone? Do you and your husband model going out for her or are you usually home as well? Do you go out with your friends from time to time? What about your husband?
Will she go out for dinner with the family? How did she handle college? Could she try getting a job as an online tutor?

She’s comfortable being home alone during the day and at night, but if it’s more than a few consecutive nights, she doesn’t feel comfortable, so we try to keep it to a couple of days at a time. She is able to go out on her own now, but her anxiety is very high—similar to how it was in high school—so she prefers not to, and we usually go with her. My husband and I are both introverts, so while we do go out occasionally with friends, we prefer to spend most of our time together. With her, we usually focus on special hobbies we like, gym sessions, eating out, and travel. Going out to dinner with the family is something she usually enjoys, but right now it’s not something she’s up for.

My husband and I both have flexible jobs and are doing well for ourselves, which is something we do together. During college, she had a lot of support, including accommodations and medication, which helped her manage. She thrived in a supportive school environment. We also had a second house nearby where we would visit, stay, and check on her.

Anxiety shutdowns like what’s happening now only occurred during summers and breaks during college, when her routine was disrupted. Having a routine helped. Medication was the main thing that helped, but she isn’t interested in it right now. Before that, high school was tough in the beginning. She didn’t like going to school, but after we switched her to a private school, she really began to thrive, as public high school was too much for her. We also had a second house nearby where we would visit, stay, and check on her.

Online tutoring never crossed my mind, but ask if she’s interested— it could be a great way for her to ease into work before something bigger.

[Anonymous]

Does she want to go back to school for masters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say look for specialized support, CBT.

Autism is different than anxiety or social anxiety.

Is it always, though? Also, based on OP's description, DBT might be more suited to her situation.

Autism is one of the topics that dcum is rather ignorant on. Yes, autism is always different than anxiety, that’s why suggesting things like therapy and meds might not work well for OPs daughter. It’s a lifelong disability that requires support in some way. Normal activities are that much harder. Autistic individuals might seem like their able to function normally but it requires a lot of effort.

[Anonymous]

That's agoraphobia

[Anonymous]

I am PP with an ASD teen and ASD family member with school refusal and issues with going out.

I understand that there is autistic burnout and most experts mostly recommend “time” to heal and recharge.

I do not believe your DD is in autistic burnout; she is crippled by anxiety. It is a moot point whether she is neurodivergent, OCD, etc.

She needs to be medicated and she needs essentially, exposure therapy. As someone with OCD, (we have great genetics!) she must not be allowed to continue with her avoidance tactics. Allowing that is reinforcing the behavior and making it worse.

I understand making a person with autism do something they don’t want to do, is all but impossible. However, you can leverage your good relationship with her. You need to set some ground rules or create a contract that specifies an improvement plan. Her choice to start. What is it going to be? She can choose: 1) get back on medication 2) go back to therapy 3) go out of the house x number of times a week and where. This should be tied to something. Internet and phone access? If she refuses then perhaps she needs an outpatient program? You need to tell her that things cannot continue this way. You are enabling her.

At the very least, you should set up an appointment for yourself with a medical provider to discuss how to tackle this. Join AANE. https://aane.org/ You post in the message boards or set up an appointment with a provider.

I wish you the best of luck and my heart goes out to your DD.

[Anonymous]

^^^ me again. I wanted to highlight this service from AANE:

Coaching for Autistic Adults & Teens
https://aane.org/services-programs/one-to-one-services/

I highly recommend you visit the site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't allow them to use their disability as a crutch.

This and she needs a remote job asap

[Anonymous]

Covid were the best years of my life. I have asd and loved not leaving the house.

That said I maintain a job now although my work history is fraught with sudden resignations and disappearances from work (I have walked out of a few jobs and not gone back) which I outgrew when I had kids that need me employed.

She can work, just has to try and put her mind to it! She can do it!

[Anonymous]

DBT & meds.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your daughter has significant anxieties about leaving the house. When someone with anxiety engages in avoidance, it only worsens the anxiety. If she can’t manage getting out on her own, then she needs behavioral health support.

You also need to set boundaries. Your goal should be greater independence for your child (or complete independence if her level of disability will allow it). You can set conditions for living in the family home—participating in therapy, volunteering x times per week, and/or taking a part-time job. Help your child to be more self-sufficient and establish healthy connections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am PP with an ASD teen and ASD family member with school refusal and issues with going out.

I understand that there is autistic burnout and most experts mostly recommend “time” to heal and recharge.

I do not believe your DD is in autistic burnout; she is crippled by anxiety. It is a moot point whether she is neurodivergent, OCD, etc.

She needs to be medicated and she needs essentially, exposure therapy. As someone with OCD, (we have great genetics!) she must not be allowed to continue with her avoidance tactics. Allowing that is reinforcing the behavior and making it worse.

I understand making a person with autism do something they don’t want to do, is all but impossible. However, you can leverage your good relationship with her. You need to set some ground rules or create a contract that specifies an improvement plan. Her choice to start. What is it going to be? She can choose: 1) get back on medication 2) go back to therapy 3) go out of the house x number of times a week and where. This should be tied to something. Internet and phone access? If she refuses then perhaps she needs an outpatient program? You need to tell her that things cannot continue this way. You are enabling her.

At the very least, you should set up an appointment for yourself with a medical provider to discuss how to tackle this. Join AANE. https://aane.org/ You post in the message boards or set up an appointment with a provider.

I wish you the best of luck and my heart goes out to your DD.

+1

This is good advice

[Anonymous]

She can do it , start small.

[Anonymous]

Is she looking to do more school?