When to stop inviting all girls in class or kids of parent friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to invite the two girls she doesn't like (at that age I would not force a kid to invite kids she actively dislikes) but I would then also not invite the kids in class she neither likes nor dislikes, the neutral kids she's not really actively friends with but doesn't have a problem with. As those kids are also not her friends, they are just classmates.

You can have an all-classmates party, where you invite everyone even the classmates you don't know that well or even find annoying. Or you can have an all-friends party where you just invite your friends. What you should not have is a "no enemies" party where you invite everyone, friend or not, classmate or not, but specifically exclude a small number of people you dislike. Primarily because this will make it very clear to everything that you don't like them, and this is something you need to keep to yourself.

It sounds to me like you need to do a smaller party, stop trying to socially engineer your kids friendships, but also help her understand why she doesn't want to advertise her dislike for these two girls (because it will come back to bite her later).

She doesn’t seem to have anything against the two girls in her class, just that they have no relationship. I made my son invite those type of people when he was the same age.

Of the five girls I am trying to add, one girl is the popular mean girl type and if anything, not inviting her will have social impact on DD. DD doesn’t like the mean girl. I know parents well. They are very involved in community. Second not nice girl is the daughter of one of my closest mom friends.

I forced my son to invite but he was fine semi ignoring guests. I told him he had to greet guests and if they didn’t talk at school, they may not come but we should still invite them. This doesn’t seem to work on DD. She is more adamant about not inviting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Figure out what type of party you are having, figure out the space needed, and set a number for the guest list. Let your child decide who she wants to invite.

DS's largest ES party was K, we invited pretty much all the boys. After that, we asked him who he wanted to invite. He gave us his list. We would ask if there were some additional kids he wanted to include, based on shared interests and activities. Sometimes he said yes but mainly he said no. There are some kids he has invited to specific parties but not sleep overs because the kid is just too much. We don't post pictures of the party or make much of a mention of it because we don't want to hurt anyone, but we are not inviting a kid our son doesn't want to invite.

He is in 8th grade now, so I get that it is different, but we have always held the opinion that he knows who he wants to hang out with and if he doesn't want to invite a particular child then we need to respect that.

We booked the venue. Our party is for up to 20 but we can add extra. For this party, space limitations is not an issue. DD just doesn’t want to invite the girls she isn’t friends with.

She made a guest list of 16. I am urging her to invite the remaining 2 girls and about 5 girls we have known since kindergarten.

She made her list, go with that. Why should she invite kids she doesn't want to her party? She shouldn't have to invite kids she is not friends with. If she doesn't hang out with the kids she has known since kindergarten now and doesn't want to invite them, then don't.

It's ok to not invite everyone. She has not been invited to some parties and it sounds like she hass been fine with that. It's ok.

+1

[Anonymous]

My DD is in 2nd grade (7 turning 8 this school year) and hasn't been to a whole-class (or all the girls in class) birthday party since preschool. I think it largely depends on the norm in your school. I think by age 9, it's reasonable to invite a mix of friends from her class, sports/activities, and previous school years.

That said, if you're only leaving out two girls, it might come off as mean-spirited to exclude them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At no age is it okay to invite all the girls in your class but two. If you end up at a tiny high school with 15 girls in your grade, it would not be okay to invite 13 of them to your 18th birthday.

We don't invite the girls that have violent outbursts and throw chairs and scissors in class. Usually it's just one, but somtimes two in a class.

My kids are at a Catholic school and we don't have any of those. The kids who dont get invited are just quiet and not "cool." The boys who aren't sporty and the girls who maybe still play with dolls. I think it's mean to only exclude them for that and invite everyone else.

[Anonymous]

OP - would you invite two people you don’t like to YOUR birthday party? Stop treating your kids like tiny social workers. It’s her day, she gets to have who she wants to share it with her. Was at one of those all class parties for a 4 year old recently and he’s spent half his party crying because the mean kid wouldn’t leave him alone and the parents were crap at managing him.

[Anonymous]

The whole inclusion thing started out well but has morphed into teaching kids to make themselves smaller for someone else’s happiness and it has taught other kids that if the have an “excuse” for their behavior, there will be no consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole inclusion thing started out well but has morphed into teaching kids to make themselves smaller for someone else’s happiness and it has taught other kids that if the have an “excuse” for their behavior, there will be no consequences.

This is a much smaller problem than someone inviting every girl in the class to a party but 1 or 2. Which is just mean.

No you don't have to include people you dislike. But occasionally that also means just having a smaller party in general. This is life and having social skills means you navigate these things all the time.

As an adult, if I am having a party and one of my friend's is dating a guy I hate, I still have to invite the jerk-bf to the party to stay friends with my friend. OR: I can have a smaller gathering without partners. This is similar.

Goodness some of you are hopeless in social situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole inclusion thing started out well but has morphed into teaching kids to make themselves smaller for someone else’s happiness and it has taught other kids that if the have an “excuse” for their behavior, there will be no consequences.

This is a much smaller problem than someone inviting every girl in the class to a party but 1 or 2. Which is just mean.

No you don't have to include people you dislike. But occasionally that also means just having a smaller party in general. This is life and having social skills means you navigate these things all the time.

As an adult, if I am having a party and one of my friend's is dating a guy I hate, I still have to invite the jerk-bf to the party to stay friends with my friend. OR: I can have a smaller gathering without partners. This is similar.

Goodness some of you are hopeless in social situations.

Are you 8 years old? No you are not. Expecting kids to have the emotional bandwidth of an adult is unfair. Expecting girls to make themselves uncomfortable to make others comfortable is just a continuation of the outdated concept that women must always be kind even at their own expense. This kid doesn’t like these kids. Your comparison is not valid because you like your friend and accept the boyfriend as a package deal. This girl has nothing to gain by inviting these kids. Yes she should not be unkind to the kids at school but she does not need to modify her once a year celebration for the comfort of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole inclusion thing started out well but has morphed into teaching kids to make themselves smaller for someone else’s happiness and it has taught other kids that if the have an “excuse” for their behavior, there will be no consequences.

This is a much smaller problem than someone inviting every girl in the class to a party but 1 or 2. Which is just mean.

No you don't have to include people you dislike. But occasionally that also means just having a smaller party in general. This is life and having social skills means you navigate these things all the time.

As an adult, if I am having a party and one of my friend's is dating a guy I hate, I still have to invite the jerk-bf to the party to stay friends with my friend. OR: I can have a smaller gathering without partners. This is similar.

Goodness some of you are hopeless in social situations.

Are you 8 years old? No you are not. Expecting kids to have the emotional bandwidth of an adult is unfair. Expecting girls to make themselves uncomfortable to make others comfortable is just a continuation of the outdated concept that women must always be kind even at their own expense. This kid doesn’t like these kids. Your comparison is not valid because you like your friend and accept the boyfriend as a package deal. This girl has nothing to gain by inviting these kids. Yes she should not be unkind to the kids at school but she does not need to modify her once a year celebration for the comfort of others.

Sometimes being a part of a strong community involves dealing with people who are not your favorites. This is a life lesson.

[Anonymous]

Please don't leave just two girls out. This actually happened to my child in 4th grade. A birthday girl invited all the girls in the class except for mine and one other, including my daughter's two best friends. And the mom posted pics on instagram for everyone to see! I had two other moms tell me they had no idea my daughter wasn't invited and that they thought it was cruel. Nobody blamed the daughter, we all blamed the mom.

That said, girls are in middle school now and the daughter definitely takes after her mom. She's mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole inclusion thing started out well but has morphed into teaching kids to make themselves smaller for someone else’s happiness and it has taught other kids that if the have an “excuse” for their behavior, there will be no consequences.

This (leaving out just one or two) was bad behavior 30 years ago before inclusion was a thing, sweetie pie. You're just a mean person.

[Anonymous]

What is her reasoning behind not inviting the two girls? "I don't like them" isn't an excuse when she is inviting 10 other girls. Are they brown? Is your daughter not inviting the two Spanish-speaking girls to her party?

[Anonymous]

So what happens at the party? The two girls likely won't have fun because they are not friends with the other girls.

They also still won't be friends after the party unless you plan on making your daughter invite them to play at recess and on the weekend.

This is not about the girls who are left out or teaching your daughter anything.
It's about you and your virtue signaling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole inclusion thing started out well but has morphed into teaching kids to make themselves smaller for someone else’s happiness and it has taught other kids that if the have an “excuse” for their behavior, there will be no consequences.

This (leaving out just one or two) was bad behavior 30 years ago before inclusion was a thing, sweetie pie. You're just a mean person.

I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask children, mostly girls to be socal workers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you. In particular, she needs to invite the 2 extra girls in her class. Maybe not the other ones outside the class, if she insists.

Question re the other girls: Is she cooler than them or are they cooler than her? If she is cooler, she should just invite them. If they are cool mean girls, it may be awkward for her to invite them.[b]

I remember in seventh grade when my mom insisted I should be inviting every girl. She was wrong. They were mean girls who absolutely did not want to come to my party and in 7th I was somewhat shy and awkward and the new girl. My mom did not get that I was no longer th popular girl I had been at my old school and that for me to invite these cool girls to my party would be weird.

Is this really a factor with nine year olds?!