Advice for college/parental involvement from parents of older dcs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this with kindness: You sound very anxious. Just as anxious as she does.

As the mother of an anxious person, I'm going to advise you to educate yourself on best practices with anxiety, and to then apply those practices with your DD... and yourself. CBT is amazing.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Anxiety

In a nutshell, your willingness to listen to her wring her hands about this every day feeds her anxiety, as do your attempts to solve this problem for her. Today when she calls to worry about this, you should say, "well, I know you'll figure it out. So what are you doing this afternoon?" And talk about other things, preferably things she's *doing.* If she can't focus on other things, tell her what *you* are doing. Just generally and gently be unwilling to perseverate with her on this. It seems ccounterintuitive, but it really does help tamp down anxiety to think less about the things that are bothering you.

Me again: Tell her that when she is home for winter break, you will schedule time to discuss this and help her make a plan. No discussing until then. And when you help her with planning, it should be things like: when do you have to declare a major? Okay, that's the deadline. Until then, out different classes, make appointment at the career center, maybe see if there's a way to do some informational interviews, etc. Make a plan, actionable items, and set some interim deadlines for evaluating, seeing where she is, etc. Then when she starts agonizing, just say to her," are you following your plan?" If yes, she's doing what she can. Ask, "according to the plan, when are we supposed to meet to discuss things? OK, so not time yet. You're still gathering your evidence/info. Let's wait to discuss then. So, what else is going on?" And change the subject.

(My mid-20s DS with anxiety imagines a metal trash can in his head and he likes to direct his unhelpful thoughts there and mentally bang the lid closed, lol. So sometimes if he is agonizing about something he can't really do anything about at the moment, I say, "that sounds like a thought for your trash can," and change the subject. It really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this with kindness: You sound very anxious. Just as anxious as she does.

As the mother of an anxious person, I'm going to advise you to educate yourself on best practices with anxiety, and to then apply those practices with your DD... and yourself. CBT is amazing.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Anxiety

In a nutshell, your willingness to listen to her wring her hands about this every day feeds her anxiety, as do your attempts to solve this problem for her. Today when she calls to worry about this, you should say, "well, I know you'll figure it out. So what are you doing this afternoon?" And talk about other things, preferably things she's *doing.* If she can't focus on other things, tell her what *you* are doing. Just generally and gently be unwilling to perseverate with her on this. It seems ccounterintuitive, but it really does help tamp down anxiety to think less about the things that are bothering you.

Me again: Tell her that when she is home for winter break, you will schedule time to discuss this and help her make a plan. No discussing until then. And when you help her with planning, it should be things like: when do you have to declare a major? Okay, that's the deadline. Until then, out different classes, make appointment at the career center, maybe see if there's a way to do some informational interviews, etc. Make a plan, actionable items, and set some interim deadlines for evaluating, seeing where she is, etc. Then when she starts agonizing, just say to her," are you following your plan?" If yes, she's doing what she can. Ask, "according to the plan, when are we supposed to meet to discuss things? OK, so not time yet. You're still gathering your evidence/info. Let's wait to discuss then. So, what else is going on?" And change the subject.

(My mid-20s DS with anxiety imagines a metal trash can in his head and he likes to direct his unhelpful thoughts there and mentally bang the lid closed, lol. So sometimes if he is agonizing about something he can't really do anything about at the moment, I say, "that sounds like a thought for your trash can," and change the subject. It really helps.

I am really anxious about it, that's true. I think in my dd's mind I am the trash can actually: she dumps it all on me. And it creates a lot of stress. I redirect as much as I can but I do listen first. My dh is better at it and just goes "mm-mm, that's nice, what did you eat for lunch?" and I am bad at it because it feels dismissive, even though it probably is healthier. I guess I feel like it actually hugely matters for her to pick a major she likes and does well with, and the consequences can be great.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, picking a major is not the big deal you. And your daughter are making it out to be. Ask your successful friends what they majored in - the answers will be all over the place. Most people enter careers they haven’t even heard of in college (I do research which looks at career pathways of people) and switch careers multiple times in the lifetime.

Make sure your DD picks a major with classes she likes — a good GPA can be important for the very competitive jobs. College and classes will be more enjoyable if she likes what she is studying. If she hates her major it will be very hard or unpleasant to make herself study enough to get decent grades.

Outside of her major, if it’s not something clearly aligned with a career track, have her take electives which align with a career track she might be interested in. So if she majors in a language, maybe taking courses in data analysis, or marketing. Then when she applies to job or internships she can talk about how her classes make her a good candidate for the position.

You both sound anxious. Maybe suggest your daughter get therapy for her anxiety - or at least a few sessions on how to stop ruminating - this isn’t healthy for anyone.

[Anonymous]

19 is still a baby, so young, and in need of support.

[Anonymous]

So many parents play the "if you don't get into the right preschool, then it's all over" game, which is followed by grade school, middle school, high school, and now, college. If you don't do every single step correctly and on cue, then life is all over for you. This attitude is all over these comments. I know young adults who have been raised like this who are afraid of their own shadow. They cannot make a decision. Even simple decisions stymie them for days. They have to ask for advice, which is asking for direction. Because they're too scared. The most successful people I know screwed up early, learned from it, and grew. Work on her fear. Tell her you'll still love her no matter what she picks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, picking a major is not the big deal you. And your daughter are making it out to be. Ask your successful friends what they majored in - the answers will be all over the place. Most people enter careers they haven’t even heard of in college (I do research which looks at career pathways of people) and switch careers multiple times in the lifetime.

Make sure your DD picks a major with classes she likes — a good GPA can be important for the very competitive jobs. College and classes will be more enjoyable if she likes what she is studying. If she hates her major it will be very hard or unpleasant to make herself study enough to get decent grades.

Outside of her major, if it’s not something clearly aligned with a career track, have her take electives which align with a career track she might be interested in. So if she majors in a language, maybe taking courses in data analysis, or marketing. Then when she applies to job or internships she can talk about how her classes make her a good candidate for the position.

You both sound anxious. Maybe suggest your daughter get therapy for her anxiety - or at least a few sessions on how to stop ruminating - this isn’t healthy for anyone.

I did suggest that to her but she is not interested. What she likes is not something marketable. She is heading what she thinks is going an unpleasant way now but very marketable. For the first month + I tried to tell her not to worry and to do what you said in terms of taking specific courses to make her major more skilled-based. She would not hear of it, said everyone she knows is doing "harder things" so she felt silly doing something so easy (right now her GPA is through the roof, she finds it all ridiculously easy), and she insisted she needs a marketable degree and to do something more challenging. So yes, I am very anxious about how her spring semester is going to be though I did get some reassuring feedback about the coursework on a different board.

[Anonymous]

Doors close - that usually decides a major. She doesn't do well enough in a prerequisite and can't continue to a particular major. That's reality. It's not unusual, it's not terrible. It's ordinary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this with kindness: You sound very anxious. Just as anxious as she does.

As the mother of an anxious person, I'm going to advise you to educate yourself on best practices with anxiety, and to then apply those practices with your DD... and yourself. CBT is amazing.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Anxiety

In a nutshell, your willingness to listen to her wring her hands about this every day feeds her anxiety, as do your attempts to solve this problem for her. Today when she calls to worry about this, you should say, "well, I know you'll figure it out. So what are you doing this afternoon?" And talk about other things, preferably things she's *doing.* If she can't focus on other things, tell her what *you* are doing. Just generally and gently be unwilling to perseverate with her on this. It seems ccounterintuitive, but it really does help tamp down anxiety to think less about the things that are bothering you.

Me again: Tell her that when she is home for winter break, you will schedule time to discuss this and help her make a plan. No discussing until then. And when you help her with planning, it should be things like: when do you have to declare a major? Okay, that's the deadline. Until then, out different classes, make appointment at the career center, maybe see if there's a way to do some informational interviews, etc. Make a plan, actionable items, and set some interim deadlines for evaluating, seeing where she is, etc. Then when she starts agonizing, just say to her," are you following your plan?" If yes, she's doing what she can. Ask, "according to the plan, when are we supposed to meet to discuss things? OK, so not time yet. You're still gathering your evidence/info. Let's wait to discuss then. So, what else is going on?" And change the subject.

(My mid-20s DS with anxiety imagines a metal trash can in his head and he likes to direct his unhelpful thoughts there and mentally bang the lid closed, lol. So sometimes if he is agonizing about something he can't really do anything about at the moment, I say, "that sounds like a thought for your trash can," and change the subject. It really helps.

I am really anxious about it, that's true. I think in my dd's mind I am the trash can actually: she dumps it all on me. And it creates a lot of stress. I redirect as much as I can but I do listen first. My dh is better at it and just goes "mm-mm, that's nice, what did you eat for lunch?" and I am bad at it because it feels dismissive, even though it probably is healthier. I guess I feel like it actually hugely matters for her to pick a major she likes and does well with, and the consequences can be great.

I understand, believe me. But the thing is, you can only be the trash can if you slam the lid down, like your DH is doing. Otherwise, you are not the trash can, you are in the muck with her, allowing her to churn on this and wind up the anxiety spiral.

I know that it feels dismissive, but you can do it gently and also I think that's kind of the point: The perseverating she is doing is not a good use of time and *should* be dismissed. Having dealt with my DS's anxiety for several years, I've really come to believe that one of the reasons young people are so anxious these days is that it's become common in parenting to listen too much to "silly" thoughts. I had a really loving, supportive mother, but she was a product of her times and she sometimes *was* dismissive: "Alright, enough nonsense!" "I've heard enough of this." "Time to stop complaining, go outside and get some fresh air." Today, this is frowned on, but I think that's wrong. CBT, which has the best success in treating anxiety, tells us that focusing on unhelpful and irrational negative thoughts feeds anxiety. So allowing her to talk and talk and talk about this is making her anxiety about it worse.

And note too: Engaging in these conversations is also making *your* anxiety worse as well. So you are feeding each other in a very negative way. A kind of co-dependency.

I guess I feel like it actually hugely matters for her to pick a major she likes and does well with, and the consequences can be great.

Literally millions of college students pick a major every year, millions change their major, some like their major, some don't, and for many it doesn't matter much what they major in. What consequences are you worried about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listening to an advisor who just spits out “accounting” without understanding what your kids enjoys and what their strengths are is ludicrous. I would tell her not to listen to this person at all and tell her to just take classes she likes. IR with a language is perfectly fine as a major.

She is not fine with her major though. We did try to tell her this, but kids these days have it very tough in terms of employment prospects and she could not shake her worries about future employment, hence her constant panic and reevaluating. I’m sure she told the advisor about all this and wanting good career prospects.

I totally get it, but you may be at the point where she needs someone to talk to about her anxiety more than she needs some advisor. She can just google careers that make the most money and are the least likely to be replaced by AI. That is the level of advice that this person is giving her.

She went to ask about finance though she had considered accounting. She’s not open to most majors (no health, no engineering, no humanities due to job worries…) so it only leaves so many options on the table. I just worry accounting is much too intense, with no way to study abroad (no time in this program which is 3.5 years then Master’s) which she was looking forward to doing, the extra summer semester…but I also worry that I’d be overstepping if I said that.

I don't think it's overstepping to rationally discuss the implications of her choices. If she majors in accounting, she won't be able to study abroad, it will be very intense and involve summer study. If she majors in x, there will be other implications. Pick a path. Yep, choices are hard. Either way, she will figure it out, and things will work out.

[Anonymous]

OP, does she give her attention to sharing her anxiety rather than putting the effort into the hard work of studying difficult material?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does she give her attention to sharing her anxiety rather than putting the effort into the hard work of studying difficult material?

No, she's always been very hard working (she has a job on campus as well)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listening to an advisor who just spits out “accounting” without understanding what your kids enjoys and what their strengths are is ludicrous. I would tell her not to listen to this person at all and tell her to just take classes she likes. IR with a language is perfectly fine as a major.

She is not fine with her major though. We did try to tell her this, but kids these days have it very tough in terms of employment prospects and she could not shake her worries about future employment, hence her constant panic and reevaluating. I’m sure she told the advisor about all this and wanting good career prospects.

I totally get it, but you may be at the point where she needs someone to talk to about her anxiety more than she needs some advisor. She can just google careers that make the most money and are the least likely to be replaced by AI. That is the level of advice that this person is giving her.

She went to ask about finance though she had considered accounting. She’s not open to most majors (no health, no engineering, no humanities due to job worries…) so it only leaves so many options on the table. I just worry accounting is much too intense, with no way to study abroad (no time in this program which is 3.5 years then Master’s) which she was looking forward to doing, the extra summer semester…but I also worry that I’d be overstepping if I said that.

I don't think it's overstepping to rationally discuss the implications of her choices. If she majors in accounting, she won't be able to study abroad, it will be very intense and involve summer study. If she majors in x, there will be other implications. Pick a path. Yep, choices are hard. Either way, she will figure it out, and things will work out.

Yes, she said all that, and studying abroad was something extremely important to her (languages are her passion, she is continuing with that a bit, but minimally). Now she is going to not study abroad, and as you say not going to have a summer either. It all sounds terrible to me...But she knows all this and still seems to be going for it. I just worry it's the wrong path.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DD's at a point where she needs to make a list of types of jobs that she might be interested in. That will take research. The jobs on her list can be diverse and can change as she learns more or changes her mind, but it's about exploring her options. Then she can look into what she needs on her resume to get hired for each job.

Once she has a list of jobs that she wants to consider, she can start looking for courses, internships, clubs, informational interviews, independent studies with professors, etc, to learn more about the career options, build a network and get things on her resume that indicates interest. It's a process. I literally kept a word document with career options and hyperlinks to job postings, internships and other opportunities starting Christmas of freshman year of college. It was a working document for me. Some of the things I found were for college seniors or even were graduate programs, but I put them in the document so I had them as a reminder and looked at the pre-reqs to apply to the opportunity later.

She's not floundering to not have the full answer at 19 yo. But it's time for her to work on figuring out more of an answer for herself over the next few years so she's not in the same place at graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My freshman dd is constantly unsure what she wants to do. She has many interests but none are really passions. She initially liked environmental sciences and languages but there are few jobs and that scares her. She is going to switch her major from international relations to finance because she thinks prospects are better after meeting with her adviser, but she could really go any way with some encouragement on our part, and it's encouragement she wishes she had as she always is asking what we think. Both dh and I are very reluctant to intervene much because we feel it's her decision. How did you handle this if your child was directionless at that age? I am just scared she will not find her way.

Six kids all grown all through graduate or Law or MD school.

We said nothing. When they asked us we suggested looking at the coursework for each major and internships available from their college.

We also had one that their passion was snowboarding. They majored in engineering, got their first job with a large company corporate offices in Colorado that sold sporting equipment, went to law school specialty in patents and intellectual property.

Another one of ours went to grad school got a Masters in Textiles with an Engineering bachelor's. Now CTO at a great startup.

We just encouraged them to love learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listening to an advisor who just spits out “accounting” without understanding what your kids enjoys and what their strengths are is ludicrous. I would tell her not to listen to this person at all and tell her to just take classes she likes. IR with a language is perfectly fine as a major.

She is not fine with her major though. We did try to tell her this, but kids these days have it very tough in terms of employment prospects and she could not shake her worries about future employment, hence her constant panic and reevaluating. I’m sure she told the advisor about all this and wanting good career prospects.

I totally get it, but you may be at the point where she needs someone to talk to about her anxiety more than she needs some advisor. She can just google careers that make the most money and are the least likely to be replaced by AI. That is the level of advice that this person is giving her.

She went to ask about finance though she had considered accounting. She’s not open to most majors (no health, no engineering, no humanities due to job worries…) so it only leaves so many options on the table. I just worry accounting is much too intense, with no way to study abroad (no time in this program which is 3.5 years then Master’s) which she was looking forward to doing, the extra summer semester…but I also worry that I’d be overstepping if I said that.

I don't think it's overstepping to rationally discuss the implications of her choices. If she majors in accounting, she won't be able to study abroad, it will be very intense and involve summer study. If she majors in x, there will be other implications. Pick a path. Yep, choices are hard. Either way, she will figure it out, and things will work out.

Yes, she said all that, and studying abroad was something extremely important to her (languages are her passion, she is continuing with that a bit, but minimally). Now she is going to not study abroad, and as you say not going to have a summer either. It all sounds terrible to me...But she knows all this and still seems to be going for it. I just worry it's the wrong path.

Maybe it is, but there's really no way to know and not much you can do about it. That's a thought for your own trash can.