Teen doesn’t want me around or to meet friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal. Go to the performance anyway. But don't pressure her to have people over.

When I was in middle school, a mean girl said that my dad's truck was uncool. (It was a big red truck, nice quality Ford, full of construction tools.) I was mortified and I've kept this a secret from my dad for 30 years to spare his feelings.

You do realize your dad's feeling would not have been hurt by this, right? Why do you think he'd care what some mean little snot said about his truck and tools? You are projecting teen angst onto a grown man.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your appearance like?

Just trying to help you keep it real. I was embarrassed of my mother growing up and never had people over.

I really don't think this is it.

Are you the OP? As many people on this thread have shared, this can in fact be the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your appearance like?

Just trying to help you keep it real. I was embarrassed of my mother growing up and never had people over.

Same.

My mom was obese and didn’t really have good social skills. My friends parents were funny, pretty, slim, etc. My parents would literally always say or do something to embarrass me. For example my mom would sing inappropriate songs that were in the radio but get all the words wildly wrong and she was a horrible singer. Nothing she did was “bad” or ill intended, just outrageously embarrassing for a teen. I still cringe at them. My dad was only marginally better because he was quiet. When he did speak something that would embarrass me would fall out of his mouth. They’re still like that. I was embarrassed for them to meet my friends in my new town until recently and I’m 50. The only thing that changed is now I know I’m being judged for me not by my parents. And many of my friends parents are getting worse with age while mine are staying the same - so it’s about even now.

I am making a real effort to be better for my kids.

I am sorry, you sound very unhappy and very focused on outward appearances. Do you have religious faith, or are you involved in community service or do you advocate for a cause you believe in?
I think focusing on something bigger may help.

[Anonymous]

She’s under 18 so you have a right and must meet her friends, go to concert, etc. unless you are trumper then just don’t wear any trumpist stuff and keep yourself to yourself

[Anonymous]

I would attend (with her knowledge), but give her some space. A teenager doesn't get to decide where I go.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to get to the cause of it - talk with her at a time when there isn't something immediately coming up and really figure out what's up. Not that you need to change, but good to know.

In terms of the inviting people over...my kid never ever wants to invite people over. He gets stressed out hosting. It's annoying because he goes to his friends houses all the time but doesn't reciprocate. I've had to let it go.

I only say that to mean - if it were just the not inviting over, I would let it go. But, my kid is fine with me driving them, meeting his friends and their parents, talking with them, etc. But the inviting over never happens.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a decent house (not a huge new build McMansion but a regular house for my area, some of my friends lived in nicer homes and some lived in smaller homes or ones that weren’t as nice), and my parents were normal in appearance - but my parents were also deeply embarrassing, especially at home. They wanted to have big conversations with my friends and pump them for info and gossip. They told embarrassing stories about me and broke out the old family photo album that had a bunch of pictures of me in diapers and stuff as a little kid. It was very unusual behavior because all my friends parents were basically, “there are Hot Pockets in the freezer and Gatorade’s and Cokes in the garage fridge, hang out in the basement and have fun.”

[Anonymous]

I think showing up matters. I'd tell her that and put in terms of your family norms "in our family we show up for each other."

Re: not having people over. I was the same at her age. We had a much smaller house and no good place "to be" that wasn't where someone else in the family would be. It is what it is. I never told my parents why and honestly *I* was fine with it. I liked going to other people's houses. As long as she has friends to hang with, I wouldn't sweat it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your appearance like?

Just trying to help you keep it real. I was embarrassed of my mother growing up and never had people over.

I was embarrassed by my mother. She looked so different from me.

But looking back at pictures, I realized she was cute and had her own style

Sometimes teens can be weird and you can only hope they will be embarrassed at their own behavior when they are adults as I am now.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't mean OP is ugly or overweight. I was an overweight teen and hated for anyone to meet my mom because I felt like she was prettier and more sociable than me and everyone would like her better than me.

[Anonymous]

Quit making it all about you.

Leave her alone and don't mess her up. Get your own friends.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for all of the kind and thoughtful replies. I went, and was seated by the ushers near the stage. She saw me from the stage and gave a HUGE grin. And a huge hug after the show — in front of other parents. I was shocked.

I feel like I passed some kind of test!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for all of the kind and thoughtful replies. I went, and was seated by the ushers near the stage. She saw me from the stage and gave a HUGE grin. And a huge hug after the show — in front of other parents. I was shocked.

I feel like I passed some kind of test!

Oh thank you for posting the update, and hurray! I’m glad it was a great evening for both of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for all of the kind and thoughtful replies. I went, and was seated by the ushers near the stage. She saw me from the stage and gave a HUGE grin. And a huge hug after the show — in front of other parents. I was shocked.

I feel like I passed some kind of test!

terrific! it’s a good reminder that she obviously wanted you there but couldn’t get out of her own head 🥰.

my college aged son is still like this - he’s matured a little, but he still “shields” us (parents) from interactions with friends and rarely has friends come over. when he does, i make a huge point to stay totally out of sight (which i suspect his friends find weird, to the extent they put any thought into my presence at all). we’ve discussed it time to time thru the years, and the most he comes up with is that we are too “in his/his friends’ business”, which as i said i try very hard not to be. i suspect i was too involved when he was like 10 and he will not get over it.

[Anonymous]

Love the update!! So glad you went!