Teen doesn’t want me around or to meet friends

[Anonymous]

DD doesn’t want me to attend her orchestral performance. The teacher sent an email inviting parents, which apparently my kid was to have told me about weeks ago but chose not to. She won’t say why. Just doesn’t want me there.

She also doesn’t want kids coming to our place. We have a condo in a nice DC neighborhood and most her friends live in large houses. Her friends like hanging out in our neighborhood because it is fun and walkable, but they meet up elsewhere. That’s fine, but she is forceful about “God - No!” when I tried to suggest they can come upstairs while she finishes getting ready vs waiting in our lobby.

We’re not low income, but would likely be considered that vague “DCUM poor.” We drive an admittedly crappy looking car, but it runs well and is very safe. (And I also can’t afford or actually feel that I need an upgrade.)

This stage or parenting feels like absolute crap. I don’t even know her friends. I hear of them and have seen photos and texts (DD shares funny ones with me), but never see them in person.

She’s not really moody. Rarely rude. Tells me lots of stories. Great student.

Is she embarrassed of me? Is it normal teen angst? Thoughts?

Maybe I just have a mid-50s menopausal version of teen angst?!

[Anonymous]

What is your appearance like?

Just trying to help you keep it real. I was embarrassed of my mother growing up and never had people over.

[Anonymous]

How old is she?
I was like this as a teen. My mom was older than all the other moms and just not “ cool”
She would also reprimand me in front of anyone which was embarrassing. I never wanted her at school events or to chaperone even in elem school.

[Anonymous]

If you and your home/car are neat and clean, then tell her to stop being so shallow, and just do it. Go to her concert, you invite her friends up, etc. For her to make her friends wait in the lobby is very rude.

[Anonymous]

I grew up the poor friend in the apartment with the single working mom. I still brought friends over. My mom is warm and inviting and cooks well.

But I didn’t have to grow up in the social media age where everyone puts out perfection.

I wouldn’t push it, just keep offering occasionally and tell her that she can say “no thank you” not “God no” as that is rude and you prefer she keep that opinionated voice in her head.

[Anonymous]

Don’t attend. Drop her off and pick her up.

[Anonymous]

Normal. I would go anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal. I would go anyway.

Me again…I would go but be unobtrusive and not go up to her etc. I’d congratulate her after when we were alone. But still go/support.

[Anonymous]

Where is this child’s other parent? Can they not attend?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't let me kid hang out with kids I haven't met. Parents are embarrassing. It's just what it is at this stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your appearance like?

Just trying to help you keep it real. I was embarrassed of my mother growing up and never had people over.

Same.

My mom was obese and didn’t really have good social skills. My friends parents were funny, pretty, slim, etc. My parents would literally always say or do something to embarrass me. For example my mom would sing inappropriate songs that were in the radio but get all the words wildly wrong and she was a horrible singer. Nothing she did was “bad” or ill intended, just outrageously embarrassing for a teen. I still cringe at them. My dad was only marginally better because he was quiet. When he did speak something that would embarrass me would fall out of his mouth. They’re still like that. I was embarrassed for them to meet my friends in my new town until recently and I’m 50. The only thing that changed is now I know I’m being judged for me not by my parents. And many of my friends parents are getting worse with age while mine are staying the same - so it’s about even now.

I am making a real effort to be better for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Normal. Go to the performance anyway. But don't pressure her to have people over.

When I was in middle school, a mean girl said that my dad's truck was uncool. (It was a big red truck, nice quality Ford, full of construction tools.) I was mortified and I've kept this a secret from my dad for 30 years to spare his feelings.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely go. It simply is not her call. And I would have a talk about treating all other people with respect, including her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal. Go to the performance anyway. But don't pressure her to have people over.

When I was in middle school, a mean girl said that my dad's truck was uncool. (It was a big red truck, nice quality Ford, full of construction tools.) I was mortified and I've kept this a secret from my dad for 30 years to spare his feelings.

You do realize your dad's feeling would not have been hurt by this, right? Why do you think he'd care what some mean little snot said about his truck and tools? You are projecting teen angst onto a grown man.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t take it personally. This is how a lot of kids behave. It is what it is. Just try to roll with it.