"One and done" parents please come in! I have a few questions...

[Anonymous]

We planned our only. We went into it thinking we'd have one or two. We were happy with one and while there was a brief period of baby fever for a second, ultimately we decided we'd rather be the best parents we could be to our only than potentially overextend ourselves with two.

Factors that played into our decision:
- Challenges from our own childhoods. My parents had more kids than they could really handle, and I was not well parented. I had to do a lot of work on myself as an adult to address deficiencies. I wanted to do better by my own child, and knowing both how extra kids adds extra stress, and also what it means when kids are neglected, made me cautious.

- Related, we had no support from extended family. On the contrary, we are the primary caregivers for my MIL and we each have a sibling who is not fully independent and needs a lot of help. Again, this just made us ultra-aware of not overextending ourselves because we don't have people who can come help us in a pinch, and we have several people for whom we ARE the people who help when help is needed.

- We really value both travel and education and want to be able to afford both for our kid. This wasn't the central factor and if we'd really wanted more kids and thought it was otherwise a good idea, I don't think we would have held of for these reasons. But it is a source of pride and relief to me that we don't have to stress a lot about affording college for our kid, and that we can take interesting family trips together without family size being a limiting factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Labor and delivery was so physically draining and unexpectedly emotionally traumatic that I didn't think I could do it again, even though I wanted either zero or 2 kids. I always wanted a daughter, but the son I have has always been easy and... if I can brag for a second... he is so great!

I answered above but I frankly forgot that this was a factor for us. I had a tough pregnancy and then very bad PPD that lasted much longer than I expected (I didn't really feel right for over a year). My own mom had mental health issues when I was a kid and it was traumatizing for me because she was also overwhelmed and not in treatment. I know I would have handled it better, but I really didn't want to subject my existing child to a potentially chaotic home due to physical or mental health issues. I wanted to just take care of her and give her what she needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I am PP from 14:52, and agree with what PP 14:55 says about social norms. Honestly having not intended to be a parent until I started trying to get pregnant, I didn't realize how present those norms were. I honestly think there may be people out there who decline to have ONE child because they can't envision having two.

This is so interesting! I feel that way about dogs (don’t have one because I think it should have a buddy but I don’t think I could deal with two) but not about kids. Maybe because I am also an only myself

[Anonymous]

Originally, we didn't want any but we both changed our minds after being married for six years. Then, the plan was to just have one and we stuck with that. I found parenting to be harder than I imagined and couldn't even fathom having another. No regrets about our decision to have an only. Our son graduated college in June.

[Anonymous]

I have an only child on purpose. She was planned, but for a long time I didn't want kids at all so one was kind of a compromise. I love being her mom and I think having just one allows me to be a better mom than if I had more.

[Anonymous]

Had my DD via IVF at 36 after an ectopic pregnancy. Always wanted to be a mom and so thankful she made me one.

Read books about having an only and never really considered having a second. Had some longing when I was around relatives’ babies when DD was in upper elementary but that passed.

Went through some rough times in middle school when mental health issues became evident. Things are much better now but it was extremely difficult all the way through high school. Luckily we could afford all the therapy and doctors that she needed — and still needs.

She’s a senior in college now. So glad she’s an only from a financial perspective. I retired early. Uncovered some chronic health issues and can now focus on myself and personal growth. Hopefully we’ll be able to help her out financially in the future as she is on a low-paying but artistically fulfilling career path.

No regrets.

[Anonymous]

I thought I wanted 2, DH firmly wanted one. After having one, I don’t think I could handle another pregnancy, birth (DS was a preemie and that was pretty traumatic), newborn period, etc. My desire for a second disappeared bc I realized I would be way too stressed and anxious to be a good mom. No regrets! We travel with him, grandparents are happy to have him over regularly for sleepovers, we aren’t stressed with too many activities.

[Anonymous]

I knew I only wanted one. DH wanted 2 and later when DS was 9, he told me he actually wanted 3.

I did give him a choice when DS was one if we should go for a second. He thought about it and said he was OK with one.

It has worked out great. Life is easy with one, travel is easy. Finances are easy because we can give him everything now and later (college/grad, down payment house, gift limit yearly, etc..) and fully fund retirement. We would not have been able to do that with 2.

But best if all is that we have a great kid and family unit and I have a social life outside my family and able to do many things I did before kids (theater, dinner girlfriends, hobbies, etc…)

[Anonymous]

We have one. Planned. The birth was traumatic and we decided to stop at one so I could heal. Was afraid I’d be too depleted to have a second soon and by the time my body and heart were well I was older than I’d want to be with a newborn. It was difficult to see larger families for a but. Ok now on all fronts.

[Anonymous]

Benefits of an only:

—quiet house
—no breaking up sibling arguments
—our kid has a lot more input in our decisions than she would have if we had multiple kids. Because there’s only one of her, we do much more stuff she likes AND more stuff we like. For example, on vacations, it’s easy to balance adult desires and her desires
—more disposable income.
—kid reports that she prefers being an only. She likes a peaceful house.

Downsides are that she’s not learning to navigate a sibling relationship. Also, I think it’ll be rough when we are old.

[Anonymous]

My pregnancy was not planned -- young single mom -- never worked out to have any more children, especially from knowing the struggles of that single motherhood. Everything happens for a reason.

[Anonymous]

I had really bad injuries from childbirth that took years to resolve, plus from the morning DD was born it was clear that DH did not have the ability or desire to be an equal parent and partner.

Neither are things I can share in casual conversation so I’m sure people make a lot of assumptions. I wish I had more. DD wishes she had a sibling.

[Anonymous]

I’m an only with an only. DH is from a large family. Our only was planned. We thought about a second for a very short time and realized we were both very happy with our family of 3. Our DD is a young adult now and we’ve never looked back and she is well adjusted and happy with our family size.

There is no perfect family size so make the decision that works for you and your family. Just be sure you’re not projecting what you think you should do based on other people’s experiences. Being an only can be great for some and not for others. But so can having siblings.

[Anonymous]

We started the parenthood journey assuming we’d have more than one. (Stay with me, I have a lot of thoughts on this topic.)

Someone upthread posted about the assumption of multiple children (you have KIDS not a KID), and I think it’s true that there is a ton of momentum in that direction. I think when you really break it down, it becomes clear where the assumptions come from. Statistically, most of us grew up in families with siblings, as did our parents. As such, most of us grew up with friends who also had siblings. Since art reflects life, nearly every sitcom we watched as young adults and teens included multiple children. Commercials, social media, etc still feature families with more than one child as the norm. Perhaps even more now with the trad wife/homestead mother trend families are big. All of those images and understandings have been baked into our lives and have normalized 2+ kids, not single child families.

I really had to challenge myself to unlearn the assumption that an only child was the wrong choice in some way. I had to remind myself that our grandmothers didn’t make the decision of how many children they had (limited access to birth control) and that even our mothers had fewer options.

Initially, I had quite a bit of shame about the decision. I felt I was taking the easy way out and wondered if it was wrong to choose a calmer life. We decided not to have another for a multitude of reasons: ppd, difficult baby, no family near by, big careers. But my own capacity and the capacity of my spouse were also factors. Admitting that sounded a lot like failure to me. Like I can’t handle two kids? Ha! How weak am I??

I have come to believe I actually COULD handle two kids if I had them. I just think I’d be slightly over capacity. With one child I’m slightly under capacity. I have room for things to go wrong in my life. This became a touchstone for me. At some point in the decision making process, I realized…this is my life, too. These are my youthful years, too. If I don’t want to spend the next two-three years in the weeds with pregnancy, baby, and daycare stomach bugs….thats actually reasonable.

I do think a lot of people make the decision to have another child based on whether that yearning for another baby is still present. I want to clarify that I did still experience that yearning. In fact, I had to fight myself on this and really think it through. Where was the longing coming from? I was really patient with it, letting myself experience that longing for a year or more. At some point I started tracking it and found that my desire for another child appeared predictably right around ovulation time. I spoke to a friend about this, who said “so you want another kid one week per month! Thats a lot! I think that means you want another one!”

I did not see it that way; I saw my one week a month yearning as a biological function, a hormonal function, not a sign from the universe that someone was missing from my family. Feeling hungry isn’t a sign you must eat. Sometimes you’re just bored or thirsty.

It has been a huge gift for us to have stopped at 1. Various things have happened over the years and I DID end up needing more runway. Promotions, family and friend illnesses, moves, the pandemic. I needed space at times. And I am grateful for the extra room.

I could write a book about this, there’s so much more to say re: quality parenting, resources, marriage, sibling relationships, etc. But I hope this helps somehow.

[Anonymous]

One and done with no regrets. One was manageable and affordable. We are very close without a lot of drama - which is the opposite of how I grew up. I had many siblings, lots of family drama and conflicts, not close to my adult siblings or their kids in adulthood - like an only.