Frustrated at life with DS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We dealt with very similar issues. I don't have any suggestions relating to your son. But, for us, we figured out how to reset and not let the bad parts of the day guide how we feel or set the tone for our day. It's like rewriting history so that only the good parts remain. I am very intentional about doing that in that I often take lots of photos of the good parts and share them with each other. Sometimes we even verbalize that we are starting all over and are going to forget about whatever bad thing happened. But, we learned to turn on a dime and readjust our attitude to enjoying the good and letting go of the rest. And, we learned to forget about it and move on.

As anxiety got under control (getting ADHD under control had no bearing on the sort of behavior we dealt with), things got better. But it was no easy thing to make that happen.

Great advice!
- From another parent going through similar issues

[Anonymous]

I am sympathetic. It sounds so draining. I want you to have a happier life.

I agree with the posters that some of this is typical 13yo stuff, but obviously magnified hugely through his issues. I'm wondering if he's done any DBT--dialectical behavioral therapy. It's time-consuming, but it helps kids modulate their reactions to triggers (is my understanding.) It's been life-changing for a friend of mine with her kid whom she thought had ADHD and anxiety and turned out to have autism. I'm not diagnosing--just sharing that.

I also wonder if it's possible for you to set some level of expectations with your son and tie them to rewards/consequences. Even though 1-2-3 magic is more for 7-year-olds, we used a modified version of it with our kid, and it was useful, if nothing else, in making it clear to him that he needed to take more responsibilty for regulating his feelings. If he snapped at us way unduly, we'd say, aiming for no emotion, "that's one;" a second time in the given time frame was two; for the third, he had to remove himself from the situation for his age plus 10 minutes. Then he could return whenever he wanted. After the system solidified, wehad to work with him on the "return" part--ie, he couldn't waltz in and be like, "Hi, can I have a snack?" he had to apologize, and usually, he seemed to feel good from doing so.

I know you are doing SO MUCH, including planning things that he likes and working to keep both of you positive. I'm wondering if your sympathy for his anxiety is getting in the way of your having expectations for him that might help him and you--a true wonder, not a judgment disguised as a wonder. Just something to think about.

You are not alone, and we are here for you.

[Anonymous]

He definitely needs more expectations. That’s a good point. He’s a reluctant participant, which is why we haven’t pushed for it.

[Anonymous]

In the op you say you’ve spent his whole life catering to him and his anxieties. That just feeds the anxiety. I know it was not your intention, but I think you’ve made things worse. And yes I am a parent of a kid with anxiety. Everyone isn’t the same, of course, but constantly appeasing an anxious person doesn’t take away their anxiety, it takes away their ability to cope with a difficult situation and move forward from knowing things will be okay when everything isn’t ideal.

Stop catering, start building his resilience.

[Anonymous]

The Ross Center has workshops on SPACE, supportive parenting for anxiety. It might be something to consider: https://www.rosscenter.com/ross_event/space-training-a-7-week-group-for-parents-of-anxious-children/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Ross Center has workshops on SPACE, supportive parenting for anxiety. It might be something to consider: https://www.rosscenter.com/ross_event/space-training-a-7-week-group-for-parents-of-anxious-children/

Thanks, this looks useful

[Anonymous]

Are you on anxiety meds? After I started meds it was SO much easier to let my kid’s anxious behaviors roll off me and parent them.

[Anonymous]

I am. They help, somewhat