Frustrated at life with DS
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Anonymous
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Ds age 13 has anxiety and severe ADHD. It’s always been this way, since he was a toddler. I have anxiety too and life with him has increased my anxiety terribly. I need to be his mother and I also need to create boundaries for myself. He doesn’t have a lot of friends. He doesn’t see too many kids outside of school. So, he wants to hang around with me a lot. It would be fine, except his anxiety and, frankly, self centeredness and complete lack of empathy make my days with him anxiety filled and frustrating.
For example, today I arranged for he and I to go on a horseback ride. We got to the barn and met up with the owner. He was miserable to her and kept telling me that he just wanted to go home. He said he wasn’t going to ride the horse and he moped the whole time we were tacking up horses. He agreed to do this activity when I suggested it. We wound up going on the ride and having fun. But, all of the drama and upset beforehand really marred the day. In the afternoon, he wanted to go fishing. We were having fun until a fish accidentally died. We were doing catch and release. It’s sad, but his behavior was out of proportion. He screamed and yelled and threatened not to go to school tomorrow. Every day is like this. It is so draining and hard. I try to plan nice things and be positive. But, his anxiety and behavior always ruins it. I have so much empathy for him. My whole life for the past 14 years has been about catering to him and his anxieties, fears and disregulation. I’m trying to figure out a way to parent him while still protecting my own peace. Right now, I’m failing at that. I am so unhappy and frustrated |
Anonymous
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First, hugs and empathy to you. What you are going through is hard, and you can only do the best you can. You are also not alone.
When was the last time he had an evaluation? How recent is the diagnosis? This is the age when kids change a lot and doctors can have more insight into what's really going on and may have better ways to help. |
Anonymous
| OP, sending you hugs. I wish I had sound advice. |
Anonymous
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I know you want to give him a full life, full of experiences. You're a good parent. So, you thoughtfully planned horseback riding and let him fish when he asked! I have to wonder if maybe the transition to new activities that involve others (the horse trainer) and big animals might be too much for him.
Please get him reevaluated. You mention his lack of empathy which is something to talk about. |
Anonymous
It was a few years ago and he is medicated. An updated evaluation is a good idea. |
Anonymous
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He gets to have two activities on on day that other kids get to experience once in a decade.
You sure you are not overdoing it? |
Anonymous
He sounds spoiled and ungrateful. |
Anonymous
I ride horses and arranged this for him at the barn I ride at. He goes fishing at local lakes several times a week. Fishing isn’t really a fancy activity. Maybe if you’re going on a boat with a guide, but that’s not what we were doing. |
Anonymous
| Empathy. In the same boat. It’s wearing away at my mental and physical health. |
Anonymous
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I understand riding and fishing are not a big deal depending on where you live.
I think the re-eval is best. What you say is lack of empathy is most concerning and could be a lack of social skills. Can he read facial expressions? You could also look into parent coaching for you. And try Ross Greene's books about creative problem solving with your child. |
Anonymous
Is he only medicated for the ADHD or is he medicated for the anxiety as well? Is he working on the anxiety with a therapist? Stimulants for ADHD help a person focus, but they don’t control what the person focuses on, so anxious thoughts can be intensified by stimulants. It doesn’t sound like he has the right combination of meds. What does his psychiatrist say about his inability to regulate? |
Anonymous
| We have tried several combinations of meds. Right now, he’s on Strattera and Prozac. That has worked best so far. |
Anonymous
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1) Children with ADHD mature slower
2) Anxiety overrides rational thought (if it was rational and proportional to an actual threat, it would be fear, not anxiety) and prevents one from being able to concern themselves with anyone or anything else 3) A lot of children are self centered and haven’t mastered empathy for adults (whom they see as having power and being in control of situations) by age 13 The good news is that with age and experience comes greater understanding and empathy from most children eventually, even ones with these diagnoses. |
Anonymous
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Have you tried setting expectations before you do anything? My 14 YO daughter is quite like that and if I say before we even leave the house, ok, we are going to do this activity. It will be fun and there will be no drama, right? Promise me, no drama. If it becomes not fun for me because you complain, we will stop and come home - it usually ends up better.
But I hear you OP. I'm in a constant state of hypervigilance when we are out because I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. |
Anonymous
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If he is screaming and crying because a fish dies, it sounds like he has oversized feelings, not a "lack of empathy". 13 year old boys rarely have empathy for their parents, tbh.
It sounds like you need help responding to his anxiety and big feelings. Get the book on SPACE therapy which is parent training for parents of kids with anxiety. Also, understand that you are modeling anxious responses to him by not finding ways to manage your own anxiety with him. I'm sure it's very frustrating to be dealing with him and his issues, but it sounds like you are having an overly emotional response to his reactions. Getting therapy to support yourself through this might give you better bandwidth to handle his disregulation. |