Awful after school car rides

[Anonymous]

9 year old should not be in the front. Get high back boosters and pull over and tell them to stop and wait. Have consequences at home like no electronics for the rest of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things I have tried:
- leaving immediately after school or staying on the playground for 2 hours after school while they run off energy. Makes no difference.

OP do you mean it makes no difference for the car ride, or it makes no difference for the car ride *and* the two hours afterwards? In other words, do you have a car ride problem only, or is it a car ride + spiraling problem that extends through the afternoon or evening?

[Anonymous]

In the short term, I would load up on quiet, highly desirable snacks (that are only for these car rides), and put the 9yo in front with noise cancelling headphones and music or an audiobook (not a screen they control). No, a 9yo in front is not ideal, but sometimes you have to choose from the best of all bad options.

For the longer term, I would really dig in to try to figure out *why* they are melting down every day. At a guess from experience, 9yo is overstimulated from school, and 6yo is hungry - hence my original suggestions - but gentle, occasional, no-pressure questioning may reveal additional or more nuanced answers. This works best if you can stick to the positive expectation they are not meeting - something like "why are you having trouble playing quietly for the car ride home? what do you want most right after school?" - without bringing what they are doing wrong into it (don't say "why can't you stop hitting your brother?!").

[Anonymous]

Don’t put a nine year old in front. You won’t be able to handle the guilt if hybrid kid is hurt or killed.

Relying on iPads doesn’t seem great either. Can you do individual mp3 players so each kid gets favorite music? Noise cancelling ones could be great too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would put the nine year old in the front.

+1 And podcasts have helped keep my kids quiet (and not so bad as ipads).

[Anonymous]

Put the oldest in the front seat. Better to have safe non distracted driver.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I have 3 kids and this is why we have a mini van. Two kids get captain's seats in the middle and my other is in the back row. When we take dh's car, the 3 kids hit each other nonstop. It's so unenjoyable. Basically nonstop "move your foot" "get your arm off me" "don't lean on me". Oof I was an only child and didn't know that siblings would be like this. I was unprepared!

I also wear Loop earplugs which help immensely. I can still hold conversations, but it takes the edge off their bickering.

[Anonymous]

Oldest in the front seat.

Everybody has a headset and their own music.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize, OP—there are some good ideas on this thread that I hope can help.

Another thing that helped me was getting diagnosed and treated for ADHD myself — has made me much more patient with my kids during this difficult time of day.

[Anonymous]

Just sympathy. I had a hellish 30 min ride home every day and then we moved much closer to school… not for that reason only, but I honestly couldn’t do it one single more day.
So so so much sympathy.
I would try so hard to not scream and then I’d just lose it and occasionally yell “DO YOU LITERALLY WANT US ALL TO DIE IN A CRASH” at the top of my damn lungs, probably once every 2 weeks or so. Which helped for that ride but it never stuck.
Take solace that you’re doing a better job than I did. My kids are now teens and we all survived.

[Anonymous]

I hope this doesn't sound ignorant. Would your kids respond to games like I Spy, the ABC Game (looking for each letter of the alphabet), looking for different license plates, or even the old Car Bingo game? If they are willing and able and they make it a game where they work together (with you too) instead of a competition between them maybe it would help?

I'm sorry it's so stressful!

[Anonymous]

I would feed the 6 and 9 year olds only unprocessed food.

[Anonymous]

You have a few things that work for a while - snacks (get quieter ones), fresh books, and 20 questions-like games. So it feels like rotating through those is the answer. And yeah, keep the 8 year old in the middle.

I would also stick with carrots/sticks upon arrival home, consistently. Anyone who behaves well gets (whatever). In my house, it's gum. For some reason my kids LOVE gum. Stickers, 15 minutes to play whatever you want with mom as soon as we get home? Don't have to help with kitchen clean up today (mom does your chore is a very popular reward in my house)? I'd really try to avoid screens with kids with that profile. And a stick - if you misbehave, you immediately have a time out as soon as you get home and if that's every day for a year, so be. Gotta give them a motivation to figure this out, even if it takes months or a year.

I will also say, somewhat counter intuitively, that interrupting the kids earlier when the misbehavior starts can help. I think when you've got really fighty kids like this, it's tempting to let it go for a while because it's not too bad, yet, but I actually find if I jump in earlier ("You're not playing right!!" "He is six. Mom is in charge of the game rules, you are not in charge of Larlo. Do NOT correct him. If you don't like it, you don't have to play") I can cut some of this off at the pass.

And lastly - have you had any calm, quiet, individual conversations with the kids about this, outside the car? At nine and six, they should be able to articulate what is so hard about this car ride for them. Pick a quiet moment, probably on the weekend. If they can't - can you ask them to dream up what the best car ride would be like? That might give you some insight, and maybe some creative solutions. Maybe 9 year old has been listening to people all day and just wants QUIET and you could try a silent car ride? Or maybe 9 year old keeps it together all day and once he's in the car, he just can't any more - can you try yelling practice at the playground before you get in the car? Let him yell and holler for 5 minutes at the top of his lungs? Embarrassing, but who cares? Or maybe your six year old has adults telling him what to do all day and just can't handle it from his brother too (in which case, a firm rule for 9 about minding his business)? If you can get input from the kids on what's not working, maybe there are some creative solutions that aren't just distractions.

Sorry. This all sounds really hard.

[Anonymous]

Is there a bus they can take home? What about carpool? Kids tend to keep it together in front of others. ADHD medication can make kids extremely moody when it wears off. What about if someone else picks them up like a nearby friend or relative or a babysitter?