Awful after school car rides

[Anonymous]

We have a 20 minute car ride home after school, and it is consistently a disaster. I have an ADHD 6 year old, an 8 year old, and a 9 year old with anxiety and possibly autism. The 6 and 9 year old WILL NOT keep their hands to themselves and often get in screaming matches or physical fights in the car.

Things I have tried:
- leaving immediately after school or staying on the playground for 2 hours after school while they run off energy. Makes no difference.
- Putting my poor patient 8yo in the middle. It helps a bit but they fight on top of her.
- Fresh books in the car — often delays the fight but doesn’t last the whole ride
- Leading games like 20 questions - often works for a while until 9 year old gets mad 6 year old isn’t “playing right”
- Snacks — occupies the 6 year old at least til he runs out, but the sound and appearance of him eating antagonizes the 9 year old
- iPads — most effective but then I have the disaster of trying to remove them from screens when we get home, plus I don’t get to talk to them at all.
- Screaming at them (rarely, but sometimes I just lose it), punishing them (time out when home, loss of screen time), stopping the car until they stop. No effect.

I’ve almost wrecked several times and am incredibly frustrated, like to the point I would put them in straight jackets for the car if that were possible. We have a sedan and can’t afford a 3 row vehicle. 9 year old is on medication for mood (semi effective) and in therapy. Doc doesn’t want to prescribe meds for 6 yo because he generally does fine at school.

Any other ideas? Or commiseration?

[Anonymous]

First of all, I have tons of empathy! That transition home can be so hard.

Here are some thoughts I have.

1) My kids often accept limits that are imposed by technology better than limits that are imposed by parents. Setting screen time so the iPad turns off and needs a password about the time they get home can be really helpful, and might solve the issue of getting the iPad away.

2) My guess is that having a 9 year old on the front seat with a non distracted driver is safer than a 9 year old in the backseat with you distracted by fighting. Having more space might help things.

3) I have had success with having 1 kid earn a reinforcer for the group. It sounds counter intuitive, but if I say “everyone gets ice cream if Johnny stays calm (provide a very clear definition of what calm looks like) then Johnny is reinforced for being calm, and Larlo is reinforced for not being annoying and triggering to Johnny, and Larla is reinforced for not tattling. Of course you have to switch it up and tomorrow Larla earns the prize for everyone. It also lets you concentrate your coaching and strategies on one kid for that one ride.

[Anonymous]

I would put the nine year old in the front.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. Right after school is so hard. I think screens on a timer and snacks sounds good. Maybe you can talk to your 8 year old and they can have screen time later? It’s so hard to find meaningful time with the kid who isn’t struggling, I have used screens for my struggling kid to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

I have fighters in my family too and I say - without a lot of conviction that this will work - either
1. Ignore them. Let them fight. Put the 8 year old in the front or to one side and let them learn to work it out. This is what the experts say to do although I don't have the patience.

2. Pay them. Give them a cookie if you make it home without drama.

3. Set expectations. "You will not fight on the car ride home. I do not want to spend my time driving children who cannot behave. I expect you to behave civilly. It is too dangerous to drive with you fighting and I do not want to get into an accident."

[Anonymous]

In the middle? Get a three row car or minivan. Also, lots of snacks immediately.

[Anonymous]

How tall is the 9yo?

[Anonymous]

Audio books

Put one of them in an after school activity and pick them up later.

[Anonymous]

In addition to the very good suggestions above, revisit meds for the 6 year old. ADHD meds aren't only or primarily about school performance, but about living in the world as their best version of themselves. Perhaps you need to time meds for the afternoon/weekends, when he doesn't have the support of a structured school day.

[Anonymous]

Pull over every time they get out of hand. Yes, this will be very inconvenient for you. But it might work.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried pulling over, saying “we will continue when you stop yelling” and then waiting till they calm down? Calmly waiting. No yelling, just also not driving. Then they might get the picture that mom isn’t going to drive when they’re misbehaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pull over every time they get out of hand. Yes, this will be very inconvenient for you. But it might work.

OP said they have done this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to the very good suggestions above, revisit meds for the 6 year old. ADHD meds aren't only or primarily about school performance, but about living in the world as their best version of themselves. Perhaps you need to time meds for the afternoon/weekends, when he doesn't have the support of a structured school day.

ADHD meds are definitely not the solution - I have taken them, my children have. At 6 years old, the solutions are simpler - no sugar, no screens, more sleep. Not to sound like RFK JR, who is a nut, but drugging 6 year olds just kicks the problem down the road.

[Anonymous]

Do not put a 9yo in the front.
Have you tried outright rewards/bribes for keeping hands to self on the ride home?
I would definitely let them play after school but not for 2 hours. 20 mins should be enough. Snack in the car.
Then whoever keeps hands to themselves in the car and doesnt yell the whole ride home gets X.
Whatever their currency is. Do that. Might be the iPad for 30 mins, might be monetary…. Whatever works for each kid ( including the 8yo) you gotta start by changing the habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pull over every time they get out of hand. Yes, this will be very inconvenient for you. But it might work.

OP said they have done this.

Also, I don't understand why this would ever be effective, unless all three kids are REALLY eager to get where you're going. Why would they care that you've pulled over on the way home from school?