Are you lucky parents blessed with great kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

Published in 98? I’d be curious to see what changes in this theory given how much tech we have now.

[Anonymous]

I don’t for a second take credit for my kids’ good qualities. It’s luck.

[Anonymous]

I have two really smart, funny, polite and curious kids. I don't think it had a whole lot to do with parenting. I believe they see how we behave in the world, and sometimes will ask questions as to why I did something. I really think I just got lucky and they are still ES/MS and sometimes I worry they are so smart/clever with some things (technology) that I'm going to open the door to the FBI and a camera crew at some point, to be told my 15 year old is the head of a crime family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^
Two things I forgot to acknowledge.

-Yes, of course money can help. The music lessons alone costs thousands every thousands every year.

-He is only 9 and I know we have a long way to go, but just sharing what’s been helpful so far.

99% of 9 year olds are great kids

I know, ages 5 through 12 are the good years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

This is correct. All those mommy blogs and insta accounts with all sorts of literal nonsense, none if it science based, none of it researched… and the secret to parenting is just this.

I disagree. A lot can be done if you take away the junk “food” products, excess sugar, and screens. DH jokes that I’m an Amish mom, but we saw a huge behavioral shift once we cut these things completely out for awhile.

What if your child loves his video games, internet, Gatorade and sugar snacks and has zero behavioral issues? Does very well in school, with friends, with grown ups, really just a great kid? That describes a large percentage of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If so...how much is family culture, nature vs nurture, community, luck, SES?

What makes your kids great IYO?

Age, gender and birth order of your kids.

2 boys, 26 and 23. If I’m being absolutely honest, it’s genetics. Both DH and I were great kids, and so were our siblings. Our parents were also great kids. This made it easy for us to just do what our own parents did to raise us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so...how much is family culture, nature vs nurture, community, luck, SES?

What makes your kids great IYO?

Age, gender and birth order of your kids.

2 boys, 26 and 23. If I’m being absolutely honest, it’s genetics. Both DH and I were great kids, and so were our siblings. Our parents were also great kids. This made it easy for us to just do what our own parents did to raise us.

Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I know is my kids are better than yours.

And I’ll tell you about it at length.

There very little you can do as parents - it’s their peer group that matters.

Parents can curate their peer group though. We did just that by placing ours at a top school where their peers compete on how many books they've read and not on makeup, boyfriends and Lululemon.

[Anonymous]

Parenting only matters if your child missed serious mental illness. I had a normal-path kid until schizophrenia started in early adulthood. You never know when and how your grown kids can struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

This is correct. All those mommy blogs and insta accounts with all sorts of literal nonsense, none if it science based, none of it researched… and the secret to parenting is just this.

I disagree. A lot can be done if you take away the junk “food” products, excess sugar, and screens. DH jokes that I’m an Amish mom, but we saw a huge behavioral shift once we cut these things completely out for awhile.

Ultimately, those decisions will be up to your child, not you.

[Anonymous]

It’s both.

My child is donor conceived and while all I wanted was to be a mom, I did get quite a bit of choice in the other 50% of genetics. I picked someone who was a good balance to my traits and I really see that shine through now in my very well-rounded child.

At the same time, I think the most important decision I made as a parent is the school. My child is growing up with a peer group that is a good influence on them and I have parents by my side who share our values.

But I also think any child has a tipping point. The precocious child can become clever at avoiding parent’s involvement. A gifted child can be twice exceptional and have challenges that come with that. So I really see parenting as just a do your best and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

This is correct. All those mommy blogs and insta accounts with all sorts of literal nonsense, none if it science based, none of it researched… and the secret to parenting is just this.

I disagree. A lot can be done if you take away the junk “food” products, excess sugar, and screens. DH jokes that I’m an Amish mom, but we saw a huge behavioral shift once we cut these things completely out for awhile.

You can disagree but it’s extremely well researched and established. Read the book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I know is my kids are better than yours.

And I’ll tell you about it at length.

There very little you can do as parents - it’s their peer group that matters.

Parents can curate their peer group though. We did just that by placing ours at a top school where their peers compete on how many books they've read and not on makeup, boyfriends and Lululemon.

Correct, that’s about all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

Published in 98? I’d be curious to see what changes in this theory given how much tech we have now.

There are updated versions, but the science doesn’t change.

A fascinating example is first generation immigrant kids who code switch - you can immerse your child in your home culture, but they almost without exception turn out as a reflection of their American peers. They can come home and play the part, but it’s not the key factor in their development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so...how much is family culture, nature vs nurture, community, luck, SES?

All of this stuff matters a lot more when you have kids with challenges.

Intelligent, attractive, hardworking kids who make friends easily do well in a lot of environments.

Kids who struggle really benefit from a structured environment, authoritative and flexible parenting, parents who can afford therapy, a school with a good special education program and extra curricular activities, etc.

This is a really good take. I have kids who have LD/ADHD and social challenges. It sucks. Meanwhile our community is full of parents whose kids won the genetic lottery and they are very self congratulatory. We do the same enrichment, organic diet, good schools, support, play dates, blah blah as all the other parents, but nature can't trump nurture in our case. My kids are good kids, polite, respectfully, funny. So they are "great kids" but probably not how OP meant that term.