BF-GF sleepovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m told that it is commonly accepted by parents that their teenagers will have sleepovers with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I completely floored by this concept and not sure if I should believe what I’m hearing. Is this really a thing these days where parents just go along with this or even enable it on summer trips?

lol NFW unless they’re in their mid to late 20s and long term dating or something.

[Anonymous]

I think my initial instinct is to say “no way! Shocking!”

But on the other hand my son and his girl friend have been dating 18 months. She is very nice. I guess I can imagine a scenario in which I would let them share a bedroom. I also remember when I was 16 and I went skiing with my boyfriends family and we shared a bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some families allow this, some don't. Disregarding the occasional logistical reasons like late nights/snowstorms, etc., those who do allow it are just accepting of what is going on (i.e., sex). Also, age matters a lot. 14 vs. 18 is a very big difference.

Among those who don't (which are most, but not by the majority you'd think), I believe:

1) Some don't as a way to pretend that their teens do not have sex, even when they know they do. It's a "I'm not going to make it easy for you," which still signals that it's wrong and potentially dangerous but in a subtle way. It keeps the conversation shut down, which can be beneficial in the short-term (avoids the awkward!) but potentially negative long-term (teens don't feel it's okay to ask parents questions or share concerns, and/or lie).

2) Others don't because they truly believe it prevents teens from having sex. It doesn't generally, because obviously sex can take place anywhere (well, almost anywhere) at any time. So it's about control.

3) A third group doesn't actually care but doesn't allow it because they don't want to be judged.

+1

The parents that are supposedly stricter don’t understand how to make the transition of their children into adulthood. Sex happens, can’t see why is that such a problem. Likely the culture of the parents is that they hide romantic affection with each other in front of the kids, assuming it still exists.

The parents that don’t allow also fall into several categories.

1. Cultural taboo, sex is perceived as something shameful, that should be kept after marriage, or put some value on (female) virginity of low number of sexual partners.

2. Parents assume that having a romantic partner in high school is a distraction from more important things like academics and extracurriculars. These parents usually want tight control over what their kids are doing.

3. Don’t care, but don’t allow it because they don’t want to be judged.

Age and maturity matter, if you’ll treat your 20 something year old that graduated college, the same way as a 13 year old middle schooler, you wont have a good relationship with your adult child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some families allow this, some don't. Disregarding the occasional logistical reasons like late nights/snowstorms, etc., those who do allow it are just accepting of what is going on (i.e., sex). Also, age matters a lot. 14 vs. 18 is a very big difference.

Among those who don't (which are most, but not by the majority you'd think), I believe:

1) Some don't as a way to pretend that their teens do not have sex, even when they know they do. It's a "I'm not going to make it easy for you," which still signals that it's wrong and potentially dangerous but in a subtle way. It keeps the conversation shut down, which can be beneficial in the short-term (avoids the awkward!) but potentially negative long-term (teens don't feel it's okay to ask parents questions or share concerns, and/or lie).

2) Others don't because they truly believe it prevents teens from having sex. It doesn't generally, because obviously sex can take place anywhere (well, almost anywhere) at any time. So it's about control.

3) A third group doesn't actually care but doesn't allow it because they don't want to be judged.

Haha no. Those who do are just permissive and lack boundaries. They think they are somehow getting ahead of something or making it safer but really just effing their kids up same as those who allow drinking to practice

+1

[Anonymous]

Not in our household. Not at 19 either. You can share a room in our house when there's a ring on someone's finger and not before

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14? Or 19?

+1

I would never allow my high schooler to do this, but once they've gone off to college, I would absolutely allow their significant others to sleep over, as I would be treating them as the adults that they are.

[Anonymous]

Yes for family trips. We have taken DD's boyfriend with us in shared accommodations (always sharing with someone else, often with our DS).I agree with pp that this doesn't have anything to do with sex. But for random sleepovers in each others home we said no. Not because of sex, but because we didn't want to start a trend of them always being in each other's home and never alone, I don't think it's healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m told that it is commonly accepted by parents that their teenagers will have sleepovers with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I completely floored by this concept and not sure if I should believe what I’m hearing. Is this really a thing these days where parents just go along with this or even enable it on summer trips?

Who told you this? Your child?

Honey …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m told that it is commonly accepted by parents that their teenagers will have sleepovers with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I completely floored by this concept and not sure if I should believe what I’m hearing. Is this really a thing these days where parents just go along with this or even enable it on summer trips?

Depends on the kids and family really.
Spent a month at a bf's family's ranch as a kid, hundreds of miles away from home. Was just 14 and he was 17. We had separate bedrooms but didn't always use them.
Story as old as time.

[Anonymous]

We allowed this from 17 onwards in the context of a committed relationship. My kids have turned out great and are both in good long-term relationships, one is engaged.

I don’t really care what anyone else does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not in our household. Not at 19 either. You can share a room in our house when there's a ring on someone's finger and not before

Same.
My DD married outside race, religion and culture - to a WASP man. There was no way that I would have allowed sleepovers unless they got married. These kinds of questions and scenarios were already discussed and sorted out many years before they became High Schoolers.

Interestingly, the WASP ILs also understood and approved that our kids were not promiscuous and casual about pre-marital sex.

[Anonymous]

My parents allowed it when DH and I were in college and my (eventual) inlaws did not.

It made no difference either way. We still had sex at my inlaws, we just waited until they went to sleep.

[Anonymous]

No
No
No

[Anonymous]

Given the number of republicans who are child molesters absolutely no sleep overs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m told that it is commonly accepted by parents that their teenagers will have sleepovers with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I completely floored by this concept and not sure if I should believe what I’m hearing. Is this really a thing these days where parents just go along with this or even enable it on summer trips?

Depends on the kids and family really.
Spent a month at a bf's family's ranch as a kid, hundreds of miles away from home. Was just 14 and he was 17. We had separate bedrooms but didn't always use them.
Story as old as time.

You should not have had a boyfriend at 14 especially one that was 17and no way traveling together.

I'm sorry your parents were so neglectful