How many dates until you commit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that you would think you were exclusive with someone you’ve only seen 6x in 6 weeks. That’s not a lot for someone you’re actively pursuing. This sounds like a convenient hookup when his other convenient hookup is too busy. He’s probably confused that you are confused.

OP. I don’t necessarily expect him to stop dating (I’ve been dating a couple other guys as well) but I just feel with sleeping together, you either stop sleeping with other people or you let them know beforehand you’re sleeping with other people with no intention of stopping.

It just seems off to me.

Jesus. No. YOU HAVE TO ASK. And even then they might lie. He was only seeing you once a week. That's not frequently enough, unless maybe he's a surgery resident or something. It's a sign he's not that into you and is dating others.

No need to upset OP for no reason: the man might be really into her, but also feels strong about other partners he's seeing . Or maybe he knows these partners longer and doesn't want to give up them if OP is relatively new in his life. These other women may be still giving him some comfort and physical pleasure.

Men are not monogamous and are capable of compartmentalizing

[Anonymous]

He was honest. He’s not into you. Continue your search.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was honest. He’s not into you. Continue your search.

Many relations started like that, when initially both were seeing different people. But I agree OP should keep dating and seeing other men, including sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t sleep with anyone until we were exclusive.

+1 and I'm a man. Can't enjoy being intimate with someone until we know each other well enough to have the exclusively talk.

I wouldn’t agree to being exclusive without determining our sexual compatibility

Nope.
Move along then.
You don’t get to “test drive” me.
Especially when I’m pretty sure you test drive the vehicles you own, but you still don’t keep them for more than 5-6 years.
No.
You want a shot at seeing whether we are sexually compatible?
Then you commit to getting to know me and being physically intimate with only me.
If we turn out to be sexually “incompatible” then you can break it off with me and go back to playing the field.
But I’m not playing the role of your Friday night girl while you’re rolling around in the sheets with other girls on Thursday night and Saturday night!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t sleep with anyone until we were exclusive.

+1 and I'm a man. Can't enjoy being intimate with someone until we know each other well enough to have the exclusively talk.

I wouldn’t agree to being exclusive without determining our sexual compatibility

Nope.
Move along then.
You don’t get to “test drive” me.
Especially when I’m pretty sure you test drive the vehicles you own, but you still don’t keep them for more than 5-6 years.
No.
You want a shot at seeing whether we are sexually compatible?
Then you commit to getting to know me and being physically intimate with only me.
If we turn out to be sexually “incompatible” then you can break it off with me and go back to playing the field.
But I’m not playing the role of your Friday night girl while you’re rolling around in the sheets with other girls on Thursday night and Saturday night!

What prevents you from rolling in the sheets with other guys ? Don’t you enjoy your freedom and dating ? Don’t you like men and sex?
I do, so I don’t consider dating a test driving. Everyone is out there trying to find their match or/and have fun in the meantime
As long as everyone is honest about the intentions I don’t feel used

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t sleep with someone unless you are married to them

I for one am glad we slept together before getting married. Might have something to do with the fact that we still sleep together 20 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t sleep with anyone until we were exclusive.

+1 and I'm a man. Can't enjoy being intimate with someone until we know each other well enough to have the exclusively talk.

You are a rare exception. 70% men and women on OLD have different partners at a time. It’s statistically confirmed, there was a report published at some point

Another guy here and I have the same rule as PP. I make that clear very early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, he's not super into you, but he's getting sex so why not continue. I follow the "no sex without monogamy" thing because that's what works for me. Clearly that's not what works for him. You have to decide if you need that.

I wouldn’t have been opposed to just hooking up (he’s cute and good in bed), I just find it odd he wasn’t honest with me about sleeping with someone else and not seeing relationship potential with me.

How was he not honest? You asked, he answered.

Or do you mean you think he was dishonest because he didn’t voluntarily disclose it upfront? I don’t think that is dishonest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t sleep with anyone until we were exclusive.

+1 and I'm a man. Can't enjoy being intimate with someone until we know each other well enough to have the exclusively talk.

I wouldn’t agree to being exclusive without determining our sexual compatibility

Nope.
Move along then.
You don’t get to “test drive” me.
Especially when I’m pretty sure you test drive the vehicles you own, but you still don’t keep them for more than 5-6 years.
No.
You want a shot at seeing whether we are sexually compatible?
Then you commit to getting to know me and being physically intimate with only me.
If we turn out to be sexually “incompatible” then you can break it off with me and go back to playing the field.
But I’m not playing the role of your Friday night girl while you’re rolling around in the sheets with other girls on Thursday night and Saturday night!

This rigid attitude is a huge turnoff. Hard pass. Your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t sleep with anyone until we were exclusive.

+1 and I'm a man. Can't enjoy being intimate with someone until we know each other well enough to have the exclusively talk.

You are a rare exception. 70% men and women on OLD have different partners at a time. It’s statistically confirmed, there was a report published at some point

Another guy here and I have the same rule as PP. I make that clear very early.

Another guy here. I would say I have rules and I don't have certain things that I need to make clear, but I do better with exclusivity and I'm a pretty open communicator. If a woman is less clear and it seems like she's keeping her options very open I may give it a shot but so far that dynamic has never held my interest for long.

And in terms of assessing sexual compatibility, I do better when I feel very desired, not when I feel like I'm one of 4 guys a woman is presently trying out.

And I do better without condoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, he's not super into you, but he's getting sex so why not continue. I follow the "no sex without monogamy" thing because that's what works for me. Clearly that's not what works for him. You have to decide if you need that.

I wouldn’t have been opposed to just hooking up (he’s cute and good in bed), I just find it odd he wasn’t honest with me about sleeping with someone else and not seeing relationship potential with me.

How was he not honest? You asked, he answered.

Or do you mean you think he was dishonest because he didn’t voluntarily disclose it upfront? I don’t think that is dishonest.

OP. Yes, it feels like a lie of omission. Sort of like, I have kids, and if I didn’t disclose to a man after several dates that I had kids, then said “well you never asked!”

Admittedly I may be sensitive to this as my xH would try to get away with cheating on technicalities, like “you never TOLD me I couldn’t get on dating apps/sext with ex-girlfriends/DM random women on Facebook” when I felt it’s pretty obvious you don’t do those things when in a relationship.

Anyway, I’ve decided to end things with the guy. I don’t feel comfortable with the situation. He asked me to come over last night and I let him know I don't see a future and wouldn’t be seeing him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t sleep with anyone until we were exclusive.

+1 and I'm a man. Can't enjoy being intimate with someone until we know each other well enough to have the exclusively talk.

I wouldn’t agree to being exclusive without determining our sexual compatibility

DP.

So how many times do you sleep with someone to determine you are compatible for exclusivity?

When I was dating, it took about 2 months to know if someone was right for me. Two months is not a long time to devote to one person. I moved on after two months if the person was not right. Never felt the urgency to date more than one person after a couple of dates. It was either not worth it after 2 dates or 2 months.

I don't see how people are not sure if they want to marry someone after two years. But I agree that if it took me 2 years to know if someone was a good fit, I'd definitely not be exclusive until 6 months in. You'd have to date a lot of people at the same time to go through as many guys in the 2 years of dating as I went through every 2 months.

[Anonymous]

OP you were dating other men too.

He wasn’t dishonest. You had only been on 6 dates. Had you talked about the other men you were still dating? If not, then aren’t you equally as dishonest and if yes, then why would he think you would be bothered by him doing the same. Sex is part of dating for many. If you want or expect sexual exclusivity, you have to talk about it, be clear in what you want and see if you are compatable.

[Anonymous]

My now-husband asked to make it official within a week of our first date.

I don't like how the power balance seems skewed to favor the man: we tell women have sex quickly, don't pressure the man to commit, or you will end up single. Guess what, they're still single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t sleep with anyone until we were exclusive.

+1 and I'm a man. Can't enjoy being intimate with someone until we know each other well enough to have the exclusively talk.

You are a rare exception. 70% men and women on OLD have different partners at a time. It’s statistically confirmed, there was a report published at some point

Another guy here and I have the same rule as PP. I make that clear very early.

Another guy here. I would say I have rules and I don't have certain things that I need to make clear, but I do better with exclusivity and I'm a pretty open communicator. If a woman is less clear and it seems like she's keeping her options very open I may give it a shot but so far that dynamic has never held my interest for long.

And in terms of assessing sexual compatibility, I do better when I feel very desired, not when I feel like I'm one of 4 guys a woman is presently trying out.

And I do better without condoms.

As a woman, I only start my relationship “open” both ways. Me seeing someone else won’t prevent me from showing a real interest and passion if I’m really into you. But I don’t want to be “exclusive” just because a man wants to f..k raw. It’s risky for my heath to date serially one “exclusive” man after another with unprotected sex, in a sequence of mid-term relationships. I did have minor STDs and UTIs from that, because men tend to lie a lot and these relationships often fizzle, too. So the choices are 1. Delay sex with everyone until I really know the person - not great as I risk losing potentially interesting man or 2. Use condoms even after agreeing to exclusivity to build a long term trust. All relationships start with a 3rd date sex as this is what men want on OLD but all with condoms only PIV, open only and no fluids exchange like oral sex etc.

Men created stupid games, men are trying to “test” multiple women so we, women, are now playing by your rules and adjusting to mitigate our emotional and health risks accordingly