Can a friend group survive two friends disliking one another?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely put your foot down about your birthday. You are entitled to invite who you want and not invite who you don't. The groups trips you'll just keep missing if you can't tolerate this person.

If a friend insisted I exclude just one member of a small friend group from a birthday dinner invite, I would think they were full of drama. If the friend group is like 10 people, that's a different story, of course you can invite a smaller group you are closest with, but not exclude just one person.

[Anonymous]

I am in a friend group where there is a person I dislike. Group has about a dozen people and has been going for almost 20 years. I’ve never liked her.

Here’s the difference - I do not avoid her or exclude her, nor does she avoid or exclude me. It’s not a secret that I’m not a fan of hers. And obviously at group events, I gravitate to the other people. But also I’m often in conversations with her at stuff - so what?

And yes, I invite her to any group activities I’m planning, including my wedding. I treasure this group, and have no interest in being exclusionary or forcing people to choose sides or anything. This group means a lot to me, I’m not going to mess it up because one person isn’t my cup of tea.

Bottom line: if you value this group and want to remain a part of it, you need to accept that her presence is part of the package, stop skipping stuff she’s going to, and include her in your birthday dinner.

If that doesn’t sound worth it to you, and you’d rather lose the group than spend time with her, then you should think carefully about individuals you care about in the group and work on developing 1:1 relationships with them, because either the group will break up or you will fall out of it.

[Anonymous]

A friend group surviving, no
See them separately
Politely, clearly explain why, to the person you like, if necessary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Absolutely put your foot down about your birthday. You are entitled to invite who you want and not invite who you don't. The groups trips you'll just keep missing if you can't tolerate this person.

If a friend insisted I exclude just one member of a small friend group from a birthday dinner invite, I would think they were full of drama. If the friend group is like 10 people, that's a different story, of course you can invite a smaller group you are closest with, but not exclude just one person.

I'm sorry, what? You think people should be forced to invite someone they hate to their own birthday party? What is wrong with you? I can only begin to scratch the surface with you, but there is a lot to unpack if that's what you think. I have so many thoughts on how you were raised, how your marriage operates, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a friend group where there is a person I dislike. Group has about a dozen people and has been going for almost 20 years. I’ve never liked her.

Here’s the difference - I do not avoid her or exclude her, nor does she avoid or exclude me. It’s not a secret that I’m not a fan of hers. And obviously at group events, I gravitate to the other people. But also I’m often in conversations with her at stuff - so what?

And yes, I invite her to any group activities I’m planning, including my wedding. I treasure this group, and have no interest in being exclusionary or forcing people to choose sides or anything. This group means a lot to me, I’m not going to mess it up because one person isn’t my cup of tea.

Bottom line: if you value this group and want to remain a part of it, you need to accept that her presence is part of the package, stop skipping stuff she’s going to, and include her in your birthday dinner.

If that doesn’t sound worth it to you, and you’d rather lose the group than spend time with her, then you should think carefully about individuals you care about in the group and work on developing 1:1 relationships with them, because either the group will break up or you will fall out of it.

OP said she had a falling out with this person, not that they just weren't her cup of tea. Of course, she's also refused to say what the falling out was about, so who knows how serious it was.

[Anonymous]

Honestly going by this thread t you seem annoying an immature, OP.

Whatever happened, happened 6+ years ago.

It apparently wasn't that bad that the others in the group cut her off.

The rest of the group still wants to hang with her.

She doesn't seem worried about hanging out with you.
This drama exists in your head only.

And now like a middle schooler you want to paly don't invite her..

It all sounds very childish.

The group will survive without you in it but, you don't like that , you want things to revolve around you, which is why you have continue to go to activities with the group despite your claim that you don't need to anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly going by this thread t you seem annoying an immature, OP.

Whatever happened, happened 6+ years ago.

It apparently wasn't that bad that the others in the group cut her off.

The rest of the group still wants to hang with her.

She doesn't seem worried about hanging out with you.
This drama exists in your head only.

And now like a middle schooler you want to paly don't invite her..

It all sounds very childish.

The group will survive without you in it but, you don't like that , you want things to revolve around you, which is why you have continue to go to activities with the group despite your claim that you don't need to anymore

I actually don’t want the group to revolve around me at all. I don’t like this woman and I don’t want to celebrate my birthday with her. I also don’t want to waste our summer or winter vacation with her and her family.

I can tolerate her at other people’s birthdays, dinners and parties. I don’t think I need to hang out with someone I dislike on a day to celebrate me.

I have 3 kids. They only invite the friends they want. The guest list is fluid from year to year. I’m a middle aged woman and I seem to be stuck with a person I dislike.

I already know I am 100% not traveling with them. I just have to decide if I want to have dinner with her to celebrate my own birthday.

[Anonymous]

Soooo why doesn't the friend hosting/planning this party NOT know you don't care for this friend or want her at your bday party?

[Anonymous]

They just followed up again on date, time and location and I have not responded. The woman I can’t stand keeps hearting any and all suggestions. I will likely say I am busy. There is another woman in the group with a summer birthday and we can just celebrate her. I don’t need to celebrate with these people.

[Anonymous]

My large childhood friend group fell apart over weddings.

"Stacey", who I never really cared for got married first and didn't invite me. It was a huge snub. I'm in DC and it was on St. Michaels. Large wedding even included some kids. Literally everyone in the friends group except me was invited

Fast forwrad 3 years and I married a Frenchman from a very wealthy family. We got married at his family's large summer house- really more of a castle but it kills me to say that. Wedding was about the same size as Stacey's, but there was an insane buzz around it because how often do you go to a wedding at a French castle?

I did not invite Stacey. Stacy lost her shit and had people lobbying me to invite her. I didn't. Some sided with her and some with me.

The group dissolved. Such is life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly going by this thread t you seem annoying an immature, OP.

Whatever happened, happened 6+ years ago.

It apparently wasn't that bad that the others in the group cut her off.

The rest of the group still wants to hang with her.

She doesn't seem worried about hanging out with you.
This drama exists in your head only.

And now like a middle schooler you want to paly don't invite her..

It all sounds very childish.

The group will survive without you in it but, you don't like that , you want things to revolve around you, which is why you have continue to go to activities with the group despite your claim that you don't need to anymore

I actually don’t want the group to revolve around me at all. I don’t like this woman and I don’t want to celebrate my birthday with her. I also don’t want to waste our summer or winter vacation with her and her family.

I can tolerate her at other people’s birthdays, dinners and parties. I don’t think I need to hang out with someone I dislike on a day to celebrate me.

I have 3 kids. They only invite the friends they want. The guest list is fluid from year to year. I’m a middle aged woman and I seem to be stuck with a person I dislike.

I already know I am 100% not traveling with them. I just have to decide if I want to have dinner with her to celebrate my own birthday.

So explain this. The incident happened 6+ years ago us humans have birthdays every year. I'm assuming you're a human. So why have you decided you can't tolerate her this year?..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly going by this thread t you seem annoying an immature, OP.

Whatever happened, happened 6+ years ago.

It apparently wasn't that bad that the others in the group cut her off.

The rest of the group still wants to hang with her.

She doesn't seem worried about hanging out with you.
This drama exists in your head only.

And now like a middle schooler you want to paly don't invite her..

It all sounds very childish.

The group will survive without you in it but, you don't like that , you want things to revolve around you, which is why you have continue to go to activities with the group despite your claim that you don't need to anymore

I actually don’t want the group to revolve around me at all. I don’t like this woman and I don’t want to celebrate my birthday with her. I also don’t want to waste our summer or winter vacation with her and her family.

I can tolerate her at other people’s birthdays, dinners and parties. I don’t think I need to hang out with someone I dislike on a day to celebrate me.

I have 3 kids. They only invite the friends they want. The guest list is fluid from year to year. I’m a middle aged woman and I seem to be stuck with a person I dislike.

I already know I am 100% not traveling with them. I just have to decide if I want to have dinner with her to celebrate my own birthday.

This is so weird, OP. Do you secretly acknowledge that your falling out with this woman was stupid? Because I can't imagine any of my friends expecting or wanting me to spend time with someone I had a falling out with. They would 100% understand if I didn't want said person at my own birthday dinner. So the fact that you think you saying you don't want this woman there will cause all the friends to drop you is very, very telling.

[Anonymous]

You sound exhausting. Why are you putting this much thought into this? Just either tell them you don't want to do anything for your bday this year or tell them you don't want her there. It's like you crave the drama around this situation. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound exhausting. Why are you putting this much thought into this? Just either tell them you don't want to do anything for your bday this year or tell them you don't want her there. It's like you crave the drama around this situation. Grow up.

I’m actually the opposite of exhausting. I’m very easy going and a good friend to my friends. I see this friend group less and less and I will just see the other friends one on one.

I’m traveling for spring break so actually busy and will just say I’m busy, which isn’t a total lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

I have been cordial. In the group, not everyone can always make it due to scheduling for legitimate reasons. I almost always respond last and say I can’t make it if she is there. Some events like mutual friend birthday, I attend and try not to interact with the woman.

Right but it sounds like you're the one who is the one at their limit with the other person. The other person is still being invited by the group and you're the one who is considering declining get togethers because she is there. Logically what's going to happen is that you will slowly get dropped from the group. It would be one thing if she was the one not coming because of you or if they stopped inviting her. But it sounds like you're the one pulling away so you'll be the one left behind.

She is literally the most available person ever. It doesn’t matter if it is a weekday morning or Sat night a month from now, she is always available and willing to do anything.

In our group, there is one friend who is very busy with work, her three kids’ very busy schedules plus her dh’s busy work schedule. I’m second most busy so the other busy mom and I are the ones who miss most gatherings.

OP I have been in this exact situation and the result was, I left the group.

Ask yourself why she's so available. Likely this group is really important to her. She may not have other friends. If the reasons you dislike her are likely to bother other people, it might be harder for her to make other friends. If this group was formed as a new mom group, these might be the women most willing to put up with whatever her issues are.

If she's super motivated to keep the friendships, but you just can't tolerate her, you are going to have to bow out to get away from her. Do you have other friends?

You also might be able to try and hold onto one or two 1:1 friendships and just see those women occasionally without participating in the group.

She's not going to leave. You have to decide if you are willing to put up with her or not. For me it was a hard no -- my dislike was based on fundamental values, not just annoyance.

I have other friends. I have new friends, old friends, dh’s friends and my kids’ friends. Everyone in my family is very social. My kids have long forgotten about these kids they knew when they were toddlers and preschool.

I will continue doing the slow fade. I do like the other women in the group. I like the women a lot and consider them close friends.

I think you can keep the friendships with the other women, but on a one on one basis. Ask them out for coffee, lunch, etc but one at a time. Excluding one person would make the others uncomfortable.