Can a friend group survive two friends disliking one another?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend group I became a part of over a decade ago. We were new friends, bonded over motherhood and we spent the past decade saying we were one another’s village, chosen family, etc. the dynamics were great when kids were young. One mom and I had a falling out right before Covid. Fast forward five years, the kids are all teens, don’t go to the same school, aren’t really friends. Moms try to still get together. The one woman I had a falling out with had become increasingly more annoying and it has come to a point where I don’t want to see her.

My friend is trying to plan a birthday dinner for me. I don’t want the annoying friend to come. They also want to try to do a big summer house rental. I am not going to waste a summer vacation with a woman I can’t stand. I can tolerate her when she is at someone else’s home or a night out. I try to avoid her and interact as little as possible. They are also trying to do a ski trip. I should just say I’m not interested.

Can a friend group survive two friends disliking one another?

[Anonymous]

This happened to my friend group. One friend eventually leaves or is kind of dropped. I think this will happen naturally for you as they continue to bond on these group trips while you have/make new friends. I hope that feels okay for you.

[Anonymous]

Laurie and Jacklyn, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different, but having been in your situation, I chose to vocalize my dislike for the other woman and let people know I was no longer up for stuff like group trips if she was involved (and certainly would not have wanted her at my birthday party!).

In my situation, the woman I disliked had done a series of things that were hurtful to me, I'd spoken with her about them, and she'd made clear she had no regrets and didn't care that they bothered me. These included lying to me about something personal to me, lying to two very close friends of mine about me, and saying several hurtful, personal things about me, to me.

Life is too short. But yeah, everyone was annoyed with me for blowing up the group and over time I wound up distancing myself more and more and now I'm not really friends with any of them except the occasional social media comment or holiday card. I don't think most of them are friends with each other either, but I don't know if that happened naturally or if me bailing brought it on.

[Anonymous]

The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

I have been cordial. In the group, not everyone can always make it due to scheduling for legitimate reasons. I almost always respond last and say I can’t make it if she is there. Some events like mutual friend birthday, I attend and try not to interact with the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

I have been cordial. In the group, not everyone can always make it due to scheduling for legitimate reasons. I almost always respond last and say I can’t make it if she is there. Some events like mutual friend birthday, I attend and try not to interact with the woman.

Right but it sounds like you're the one who is the one at their limit with the other person. The other person is still being invited by the group and you're the one who is considering declining get togethers because she is there. Logically what's going to happen is that you will slowly get dropped from the group. It would be one thing if she was the one not coming because of you or if they stopped inviting her. But it sounds like you're the one pulling away so you'll be the one left behind.

[Anonymous]

I am remarkably good at just ignoring people who annoy me, so I would have no problem with this set up. I think you have to either figure out how to just suck it up and learn to ignore her or deal with the real possibility of losing this friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

Yeah.. This. Especially since you're the only in the group with the issue w that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

I have been cordial. In the group, not everyone can always make it due to scheduling for legitimate reasons. I almost always respond last and say I can’t make it if she is there. Some events like mutual friend birthday, I attend and try not to interact with the woman.

Right but it sounds like you're the one who is the one at their limit with the other person. The other person is still being invited by the group and you're the one who is considering declining get togethers because she is there. Logically what's going to happen is that you will slowly get dropped from the group. It would be one thing if she was the one not coming because of you or if they stopped inviting her. But it sounds like you're the one pulling away so you'll be the one left behind.

She is literally the most available person ever. It doesn’t matter if it is a weekday morning or Sat night a month from now, she is always available and willing to do anything.

In our group, there is one friend who is very busy with work, her three kids’ very busy schedules plus her dh’s busy work schedule. I’m second most busy so the other busy mom and I are the ones who miss most gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

I have been cordial. In the group, not everyone can always make it due to scheduling for legitimate reasons. I almost always respond last and say I can’t make it if she is there. Some events like mutual friend birthday, I attend and try not to interact with the woman.

Right but it sounds like you're the one who is the one at their limit with the other person. The other person is still being invited by the group and you're the one who is considering declining get togethers because she is there. Logically what's going to happen is that you will slowly get dropped from the group. It would be one thing if she was the one not coming because of you or if they stopped inviting her. But it sounds like you're the one pulling away so you'll be the one left behind.

She is literally the most available person ever. It doesn’t matter if it is a weekday morning or Sat night a month from now, she is always available and willing to do anything.

In our group, there is one friend who is very busy with work, her three kids’ very busy schedules plus her dh’s busy work schedule. I’m second most busy so the other busy mom and I are the ones who miss most gatherings.

OP I have been in this exact situation and the result was, I left the group.

Ask yourself why she's so available. Likely this group is really important to her. She may not have other friends. If the reasons you dislike her are likely to bother other people, it might be harder for her to make other friends. If this group was formed as a new mom group, these might be the women most willing to put up with whatever her issues are.

If she's super motivated to keep the friendships, but you just can't tolerate her, you are going to have to bow out to get away from her. Do you have other friends?

You also might be able to try and hold onto one or two 1:1 friendships and just see those women occasionally without participating in the group.

She's not going to leave. You have to decide if you are willing to put up with her or not. For me it was a hard no -- my dislike was based on fundamental values, not just annoyance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am remarkably good at just ignoring people who annoy me, so I would have no problem with this set up. I think you have to either figure out how to just suck it up and learn to ignore her or deal with the real possibility of losing this friend group.

Same here. What is it she's done, OP?

[Anonymous]

What was the falling out about? We need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

I have been cordial. In the group, not everyone can always make it due to scheduling for legitimate reasons. I almost always respond last and say I can’t make it if she is there. Some events like mutual friend birthday, I attend and try not to interact with the woman.

But you don’t want her to be invited to your bday thing. This would make it awkward for the others. And you are self-selecting out of the trips.

[Anonymous]

If you can't tolerate her being there, probably not. If you can handle being around her for local events like a dinner, and can avoid saying bad things about her behind her back, maybe, to a degree, but don't go on trips with them.