2nd Wife, Death of father, now what?

[Anonymous]

I would not make a point of telling her you are done with her. Just slow fade it. My father died and my mom is a widow. And while I see your very legitimate reasons behind being done with this woman it is probably nice that your dad was a little less lonely during those two years even if she didn’t support him the way she should have at the end. I would just be nice in recognition of that. My mom has not remarried and I wish she had someone at home with her every day to keep her company (and I see her 2-3xs a week).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For those of you who've had a parent remarry while you are an adult and then the parent passes away, what happened with your relationship with the second spouse after your parent passed? I am currently navigating this situation. My dad remarried after my mom passed, and at the time of the remarriage, I was already well into adulthood and established, so there was no traditional stepparent relationship.

My dad recently passed away; he and his second spouse had been married for two years at the time of his passing. I have a cordial relationship with the second wife, but nothing beyond the surface. I can count on one hand the times I've been around her in person. I assumed his passing would naturally end my relationship with her. However, she continues to reach out post-death, and I am uninterested. I've never trusted her and feel her outreach has an agenda. Would you gently state as much or ignore the contact and assume it will fade with time?

Hey Op, I don’t think this woman is after your thousands. She might be in shock and also lonely especially if this is her first holiday alone or she has no family of her own

I didn’t read everything when I wrote that, obviously I wouldn’t be too keen on keeping a relationship going with someone who didn’t bother to visit my parent in hospice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no reason to maintain a relationship with a stepmother, ever.

Why would you need to keep them in your life once your father passes?

Any woman, at any age, who remarries should KNOW this and prepare accordingly. The stepkids have no interest in you nor the time spent with their father. It doesn't matter if it's two years or fifty years.

As OP said, "I care about the memories he made with my mother."

Original family comes first. Anyone else added later is expendable - including spouses.

Well, that’s not true across the board. Every situation is different. My stepdad entered my life when I was 7 and was a hugely important relationship. He passed when I was 44 and I miss him every day.

If a step-parent didn’t help raise you/wasn’t a caregiver l, I imagine it’s very different.

[Anonymous]

Just be polite and cordial, at arm’s length. Decline invitations, if you don’t wish to see her. It will fade in time.

Of course, if she treated your father poorly you don’t even have to answer her calls or have any relationship whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

If you didn't have much of a relationship before, no. My dad's girlfriend of maybe 5-6 years was horrible to me at his passing and took over the funeral with my sibling, changed the date, didn't tell us, took everything, took money out of his account, etc. She occasionally reached out for drama and my mom and sibling responded and I just ignore all of them. She never once invited us for a meal or treated me like family before his death, so why pretend after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom (and the rest of us) basically never spoke to her Dad’s second wife again after the funeral. My mom blamed her for basically abandoning my grandfather when he could no longer care for himself. She insisted he be moved out of their home because she didn’t want to be stuck caring for him and when he was in assisted living she almost never visited and just moved on with her life. It was a huge thing and my mom HATED her.

Good for your step mom for not being a caretaker. That is really for the children to step in and do some of the heavy lifting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom (and the rest of us) basically never spoke to her Dad’s second wife again after the funeral. My mom blamed her for basically abandoning my grandfather when he could no longer care for himself. She insisted he be moved out of their home because she didn’t want to be stuck caring for him and when he was in assisted living she almost never visited and just moved on with her life. It was a huge thing and my mom HATED her.

Op here, without going into too many details, much of what you wrote is what happened with my dad. The wife didn't want to be his nurse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't have much of a relationship before, no. My dad's girlfriend of maybe 5-6 years was horrible to me at his passing and took over the funeral with my sibling, changed the date, didn't tell us, took everything, took money out of his account, etc. She occasionally reached out for drama and my mom and sibling responded and I just ignore all of them. She never once invited us for a meal or treated me like family before his death, so why pretend after.

How was a girlfriend legally allowed to do what she did? He didn't marry her for a reason, so she had no legal standing. The audacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It never hurts to be kind. You both are grieving a major loss.

Op here, I'm grieving, but she is not. She did not love my dad, and it was obvious to everyone but him. I felt like it was foolish to remarry so late in life (he was 77 when they married) and with so much to lose due to the legalities/technicalities of marriage.

You sound like a really mean person. How do YOU know her feelings towards your dad? You seem to have held her at arm's length. My dad is 77 and just started dating someone last year (or very early this year?) after my mom died three years ago. He's happier and having more fun than he was ever able to have with my mom. His personality is lighter. How do you quantify love? I don't care how much this woman loves him. She makes him happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom (and the rest of us) basically never spoke to her Dad’s second wife again after the funeral. My mom blamed her for basically abandoning my grandfather when he could no longer care for himself. She insisted he be moved out of their home because she didn’t want to be stuck caring for him and when he was in assisted living she almost never visited and just moved on with her life. It was a huge thing and my mom HATED her.

Op here, without going into too many details, much of what you wrote is what happened with my dad. The wife didn't want to be his nurse.

OP, you also said, "I can count on one hand the times I've been around her in person." Your father was ailing and needed care. In two years' time you only saw this woman a couple of times? Was it your expectation that she should have been his full-time caregiver for the long-term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom (and the rest of us) basically never spoke to her Dad’s second wife again after the funeral. My mom blamed her for basically abandoning my grandfather when he could no longer care for himself. She insisted he be moved out of their home because she didn’t want to be stuck caring for him and when he was in assisted living she almost never visited and just moved on with her life. It was a huge thing and my mom HATED her.

Op here, without going into too many details, much of what you wrote is what happened with my dad. The wife didn't want to be his nurse.

OP, you also said, "I can count on one hand the times I've been around her in person." Your father was ailing and needed care. In two years' time you only saw this woman a couple of times? Was it your expectation that she should have been his full-time caregiver for the long-term?

^How often did you visit your father during these two years, to check on him?

[Anonymous]

OP, why present yourself as so petty and shallow? Your Dad was loved. Loved by others. That is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Don’t overthink this. The contact will naturally lessen over time. You don’t have to make some grand statement to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It never hurts to be kind. You both are grieving a major loss.

Op here, I'm grieving, but she is not. She did not love my dad, and it was obvious to everyone but him. I felt like it was foolish to remarry so late in life (he was 77 when they married) and with so much to lose due to the legalities/technicalities of marriage.

You sound like a really mean person. How do YOU know her feelings towards your dad? You seem to have held her at arm's length. My dad is 77 and just started dating someone last year (or very early this year?) after my mom died three years ago. He's happier and having more fun than he was ever able to have with my mom. His personality is lighter. How do you quantify love? I don't care how much this woman loves him. She makes him happy.

Boy, OP, you sure know a lot about a person you met less than 5 times. You know what's insider her heart, her mind and her motives. You seem to infer that she couldn't have possibly loved your father because she was nothing but a gold digger trying to weasel you out of your inheritance, right?

For the last few years of your father's life, did she take care of him until she couldn't any more? Is she elderly herself? Did you expect her to do physically demanding tasks for your dad? If you only saw her a few times, does that mean you also only saw your father a few times during those years?

[Anonymous]

At least have lunch or coffee with her and find out what she wants to talk about and decide what you want to do after that.