2nd Wife, Death of father, now what?

[Anonymous]

For those of you who've had a parent remarry while you are an adult and then the parent passes away, what happened with your relationship with the second spouse after your parent passed? I am currently navigating this situation. My dad remarried after my mom passed, and at the time of the remarriage, I was already well into adulthood and established, so there was no traditional stepparent relationship.

My dad recently passed away; he and his second spouse had been married for two years at the time of his passing. I have a cordial relationship with the second wife, but nothing beyond the surface. I can count on one hand the times I've been around her in person. I assumed his passing would naturally end my relationship with her. However, she continues to reach out post-death, and I am uninterested. I've never trusted her and feel her outreach has an agenda. Would you gently state as much or ignore the contact and assume it will fade with time?

[Anonymous]

Without knowing Moor, it’s possible she is reaching out to you because she sees you as a connection to her deceased spouse. If so, you can just do a slow fade and overtime. She will adjust her expectations accordingly and fade from the picture if she has anything of your father’s that you might want, then don’t burn that bridge until you’re sure you don’t need anything from her. My condolences to you on your loss.

[Anonymous]

My dad died in March and had been married to his second wife for 10+ years, we were all 30+ when they married. She was cordial to friendly that entire time and encouraged a relationship with the grandkids, but since he got sick and passed away she has been horrible and isn’t speaking to anyone. She told my brother who’s the executor that any/all communications with her about anything need to be through her lawyer. It is most bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Are you paranoid? Maybe she wants to have a relationship with you to keep her connection to your father. Maybe she's trying to be supportive of you.

[Anonymous]

Way to bury the lead, OP. The bottom line is you don’t like her and you barely know her. So just be polite and with time she will go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you paranoid? Maybe she wants to have a relationship with you to keep her connection to your father. Maybe she's trying to be supportive of you.

Not paranoid; I just feel like our path has ended. I have no reason to keep in contact. I was just curious about others' experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad died in March and had been married to his second wife for 10+ years, we were all 30+ when they married. She was cordial to friendly that entire time and encouraged a relationship with the grandkids, but since he got sick and passed away she has been horrible and isn’t speaking to anyone. She told my brother who’s the executor that any/all communications with her about anything need to be through her lawyer. It is most bizarre.

She either stole some of the estate or is miffed she didn’t get more than she did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you paranoid? Maybe she wants to have a relationship with you to keep her connection to your father. Maybe she's trying to be supportive of you.

Not paranoid; I just feel like our path has ended. I have no reason to keep in contact. I was just curious about others' experiences.

18:09 here and due to the length of my dad’s marriage, her relationship with all his grandkids, and two of us being in immediate geographic proximity to this woman in her 80s when her own kids are all at least a thousand miles away, we were prepared to continue the relationship until she became a completely inexplicable cword. In your case you don’t seem to have any of that so in your case I wouldn’t feel bad about disengaging.

[Anonymous]

I agree she has an agenda. Who are the heirs? Did she get anything?
I would just ignore tbh.

[Anonymous]

It never hurts to be kind. You both are grieving a major loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad died in March and had been married to his second wife for 10+ years, we were all 30+ when they married. She was cordial to friendly that entire time and encouraged a relationship with the grandkids, but since he got sick and passed away she has been horrible and isn’t speaking to anyone. She told my brother who’s the executor that any/all communications with her about anything need to be through her lawyer. It is most bizarre.

She either stole some of the estate or is miffed she didn’t get more than she did

Everything was separate with ironclad prenups (she had money too) until he got sick, then he changed his will to give her a chunk because he figured she would be taking care of him in a significant way that the prior arrangement didn’t anticipate. She’s not getting a penny more than that and was surprised he wanted to give her anything. And honestly she barely visited him in the hospital/rehab/hospice so she didn’t deserve what she got, but we didn’t contest it.

[Anonymous]

Are you in the will or is she?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

My stepmother has been in the picture for almost 40 years and our relationship has always been rocky, at best. It’s improved in the last decade as she’s softened a bit but she’s done some very hurtful things over the years. My dad is likely to die first and my brother and I have started talking about what our responsibilities are toward her. She has no kids of her own and has separate finances from my dad and we have no way of knowing what support she may need. We’ve tried talking to both of them about what they want, living will, etc and they will not discuss.

It is very hard to imagine keeping a relationship with her after my dad passes, but also we’ve spent the past 20 christmases together and my kids know her as one of their grandmothers so it’s hard to imagine not keeping a relationship with her either.

In your shoes, I’d be kind and polite and try to slow fade. She is probably also trying to figure out how to navigate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It never hurts to be kind. You both are grieving a major loss.

Op here, I'm grieving, but she is not. She did not love my dad, and it was obvious to everyone but him. I felt like it was foolish to remarry so late in life (he was 77 when they married) and with so much to lose due to the legalities/technicalities of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It never hurts to be kind. You both are grieving a major loss.

Op here, I'm grieving, but she is not. She did not love my dad, and it was obvious to everyone but him. I felt like it was foolish to remarry so late in life (he was 77 when they married) and with so much to lose due to the legalities/technicalities of marriage.

It really sounds like it's best for you not to have a relationship. I hope she has other means of support and is only reaching out to you as a courtesy.