Parents of multiples-- dumb or inappropriate comments

[Anonymous]

I know someone who had twins in her late 30s and would tell everyone that it wasn’t IVF, the probability of twins goes up with age. I didn’t really understand why she always offers this information, but now I assume it’s because people ask if it’s IVF all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have fraternal BG twins, as well as a singleton who is 11 months older. Yes, it is busy!

I've had some dumb and inappropriate comments/questions, and I'm curious if other parents of multiples have also heard similar remarks, or maybe even ones more bizarre than the ones I've heard.

I'll start with a list of just a few:

1. Are they natural? No, they are plastic.

2. Are they identical? They are BG twins. They look nothing alike. They are not identical.

3. Did you plan to have twins? Does anyone PLAN to have twins?

4. Are they triplets? (Asking while looking at my six-month-old infants and a walking toddler) Yes, this one, the one who can walk, is just advanced.

5. Did you use IVF? How is that your business?

6. You have your hands full! Do I?

7. Are they all yours? I gave birth to them, so I think so!

8. Why don't they have rhyming names? Because we didn't name them as a "set." They are two separate people.

9. Do you have help? Are you offering?

10. Did you nurse them? Why does that matter?

11. How did you get a boy and a girl? We put in a specific order from Amazon.

12. They look normal. You must not have delivered them early. Normal? What does that mean?

13. How do you tell them apart? One is a boy and one is a girl. One has brown hair and one has red hair. One is significantly larger than the other. Additionally, I am their mom. It isn't exactly challenging to tell them apart.

Wow, you sound awful. Lighten up, people are just trying to make conversationand this is better than "the weather is supposed to change tomorrow" or something similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, you aren't alone.

People are extremely rude regarding family planning. For me?

Oh! You have a LARGE gap between your kids. Same Dad?

So, when are you going to have that boy?!? (Right after I had that boy, dead, removed from my womb)

...and so on

I get this all the time, but I don't take it as rude. Lighten up. People are just trying to talk to you.

[Anonymous]

Sympathizing. We get the same thing as our kids are adopted (internationally) and they are a different race from me, as well as from my DH.

As our kids have gotten older they get to answer the dumb dumb questions themselves now like "Are these your real parents?" --"No, they are our plastic ones" and "are you going to find your parents? -- "no need to, they are at home right now watching TV." Etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have fraternal BG twins, as well as a singleton who is 11 months older. Yes, it is busy!

I've had some dumb and inappropriate comments/questions, and I'm curious if other parents of multiples have also heard similar remarks, or maybe even ones more bizarre than the ones I've heard.

I'll start with a list of just a few:

1. Are they natural? No, they are plastic.

2. Are they identical? They are BG twins. They look nothing alike. They are not identical.

3. Did you plan to have twins? Does anyone PLAN to have twins?

4. Are they triplets? (Asking while looking at my six-month-old infants and a walking toddler) Yes, this one, the one who can walk, is just advanced.

5. Did you use IVF? How is that your business?

6. You have your hands full! Do I?

7. Are they all yours? I gave birth to them, so I think so!

8. Why don't they have rhyming names? Because we didn't name them as a "set." They are two separate people.

9. Do you have help? Are you offering?

10. Did you nurse them? Why does that matter?

11. How did you get a boy and a girl? We put in a specific order from Amazon.

12. They look normal. You must not have delivered them early. Normal? What does that mean?

13. How do you tell them apart? One is a boy and one is a girl. One has brown hair and one has red hair. One is significantly larger than the other. Additionally, I am their mom. It isn't exactly challenging to tell them apart.

Wow, you sound awful. Lighten up, people are just trying to make conversationand this is better than "the weather is supposed to change tomorrow" or something similar.

Most of these are not socially-appropriate topics of conversation with strangers. #1, #3, #5, #8, #10 #11, and #12 are particularly weird or rude to say to a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, you aren't alone.

People are extremely rude regarding family planning. For me?

Oh! You have a LARGE gap between your kids. Same Dad?

So, when are you going to have that boy?!? (Right after I had that boy, dead, removed from my womb)

...and so on

I get this all the time, but I don't take it as rude. Lighten up. People are just trying to talk to you.

Hard to lighten up after losing 6 pregnancies and people keep asking when I'll have another child. I just wish they would stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have fraternal BG twins, as well as a singleton who is 11 months older. Yes, it is busy!

I've had some dumb and inappropriate comments/questions, and I'm curious if other parents of multiples have also heard similar remarks, or maybe even ones more bizarre than the ones I've heard.

I'll start with a list of just a few:

1. Are they natural? No, they are plastic.

2. Are they identical? They are BG twins. They look nothing alike. They are not identical.

3. Did you plan to have twins? Does anyone PLAN to have twins?

4. Are they triplets? (Asking while looking at my six-month-old infants and a walking toddler) Yes, this one, the one who can walk, is just advanced.

5. Did you use IVF? How is that your business?

6. You have your hands full! Do I?

7. Are they all yours? I gave birth to them, so I think so!

8. Why don't they have rhyming names? Because we didn't name them as a "set." They are two separate people.

9. Do you have help? Are you offering?

10. Did you nurse them? Why does that matter?

11. How did you get a boy and a girl? We put in a specific order from Amazon.

12. They look normal. You must not have delivered them early. Normal? What does that mean?

13. How do you tell them apart? One is a boy and one is a girl. One has brown hair and one has red hair. One is significantly larger than the other. Additionally, I am their mom. It isn't exactly challenging to tell them apart.

Wow, you sound awful. Lighten up, people are just trying to make conversationand this is better than "the weather is supposed to change tomorrow" or something similar.

Most of these are not socially-appropriate topics of conversation with strangers. #1, #3, #5, #8, #10 #11, and #12 are particularly weird or rude to say to a stranger.

DP. None of what you said is relevant. This is like 3rd grade lesson #1 people: you cannot control other people. People do and say all kinds of dumb things, who the actual heck cares. I cannot imagine keeping track of dumb things I hear people say. It’s weird OP! You’re weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah - I have 4 yo fraternity twin girls and there are some dumb/intrusive questions, though fewer as they’ve gotten older. The only one that still bothers me is the “do twins run in your family”, which is usually just a back door attempt to figure out if we did IVF. But for that and most of the others I go with good humored honesty because anything else is too much work. Now that they’re older, I actually like to have the girls answer the questions themselves: are you twins? Are you identical? Who’s older?… I think it succeeds in making the nosy strangers behave a bit nicer, and allows our responses to be a bit fuzzy bc, well kids answer stuff like this in funny, unexpected ways. (Full disclosure: I never confirm or deny fertility treatments, but folks almost never ask outright.) Sorry- no real advice for you but definitely able to commiserate.

We used IVF, but when people ask if twins run in our family, I can honestly say we’re related to 2 other sets of twins and a set of triplets.

For my children, the most damaging question is who is the older one. It’s asked with surprising frequency, and no one — not one person — has ever asked who is the younger one. It makes the “younger” one feel inferior, even though the age difference is just a few minutes. I always wonder why people ask that question about twins. They’re the same age; one was just closer to the exit.

It’s a ridiculous question but not damaging. I’m the younger twin and I’ve never been upset by this question. People are excited/curious/don’t know what to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah - I have 4 yo fraternity twin girls and there are some dumb/intrusive questions, though fewer as they’ve gotten older. The only one that still bothers me is the “do twins run in your family”, which is usually just a back door attempt to figure out if we did IVF. But for that and most of the others I go with good humored honesty because anything else is too much work. Now that they’re older, I actually like to have the girls answer the questions themselves: are you twins? Are you identical? Who’s older?… I think it succeeds in making the nosy strangers behave a bit nicer, and allows our responses to be a bit fuzzy bc, well kids answer stuff like this in funny, unexpected ways. (Full disclosure: I never confirm or deny fertility treatments, but folks almost never ask outright.) Sorry- no real advice for you but definitely able to commiserate.

We used IVF, but when people ask if twins run in our family, I can honestly say we’re related to 2 other sets of twins and a set of triplets.

For my children, the most damaging question is who is the older one. It’s asked with surprising frequency, and no one — not one person — has ever asked who is the younger one. It makes the “younger” one feel inferior, even though the age difference is just a few minutes. I always wonder why people ask that question about twins. They’re the same age; one was just closer to the exit.

It’s a ridiculous question but not damaging. I’m the younger twin and I’ve never been upset by this question. People are excited/curious/don’t know what to ask.

NP. I honestly can’t believe the PP is complaining about someone asking such an innocent question. It’s obviously just something to ask so they don’t feel rude by being silent (or asking an actually inappropriate question like did you use IVF). Some people just want to complain about everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have fraternal BG twins, as well as a singleton who is 11 months older. Yes, it is busy!

I've had some dumb and inappropriate comments/questions, and I'm curious if other parents of multiples have also heard similar remarks, or maybe even ones more bizarre than the ones I've heard.

I'll start with a list of just a few:

1. Are they natural? No, they are plastic.

2. Are they identical? They are BG twins. They look nothing alike. They are not identical.

3. Did you plan to have twins? Does anyone PLAN to have twins?

4. Are they triplets? (Asking while looking at my six-month-old infants and a walking toddler) Yes, this one, the one who can walk, is just advanced.

5. Did you use IVF? How is that your business?

6. You have your hands full! Do I?

7. Are they all yours? I gave birth to them, so I think so!

8. Why don't they have rhyming names? Because we didn't name them as a "set." They are two separate people.

9. Do you have help? Are you offering?

10. Did you nurse them? Why does that matter?

11. How did you get a boy and a girl? We put in a specific order from Amazon.

12. They look normal. You must not have delivered them early. Normal? What does that mean?

13. How do you tell them apart? One is a boy and one is a girl. One has brown hair and one has red hair. One is significantly larger than the other. Additionally, I am their mom. It isn't exactly challenging to tell them apart.

Why can’t you have a little more grace towards people who are interested in engaging with you?

From OPs 13 points I could add more...Just on nursing OP's 10 is the tip of the iceberg on nursing questions. If there is variation between the children/mom on hair or color? Add 14 where did yu get them or one of them? Strangers wanting to know sorces. Or if you look diff and young for yur age? You're doing great watching them ...can you babysit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have fraternal BG twins, as well as a singleton who is 11 months older. Yes, it is busy!

I've had some dumb and inappropriate comments/questions, and I'm curious if other parents of multiples have also heard similar remarks, or maybe even ones more bizarre than the ones I've heard.

I'll start with a list of just a few:

1. Are they natural? No, they are plastic.

2. Are they identical? They are BG twins. They look nothing alike. They are not identical.

3. Did you plan to have twins? Does anyone PLAN to have twins?

4. Are they triplets? (Asking while looking at my six-month-old infants and a walking toddler) Yes, this one, the one who can walk, is just advanced.

5. Did you use IVF? How is that your business?

6. You have your hands full! Do I?

7. Are they all yours? I gave birth to them, so I think so!

8. Why don't they have rhyming names? Because we didn't name them as a "set." They are two separate people.

9. Do you have help? Are you offering?

10. Did you nurse them? Why does that matter?

11. How did you get a boy and a girl? We put in a specific order from Amazon.

12. They look normal. You must not have delivered them early. Normal? What does that mean?

13. How do you tell them apart? One is a boy and one is a girl. One has brown hair and one has red hair. One is significantly larger than the other. Additionally, I am their mom. It isn't exactly challenging to tell them apart.

I am a twin who was born in 1987 and none of this is new. My parents were asked all of the above (except IVF) and more, including whether they curled my sister’s red hair so they could tell us apart (I have straight brown hair). It is human interest.

What is hard about being a twin in my experience is that you also get asked things like “who is more athletic/better at math/prettier, etc” and if your daughter is more athletic than your son (as was the case with my friends who were BG twins) that can be hard on the boy. Just lots of unfortunate comparisons.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a lot of folks are sensitive about having had fertility treatments ...