Do I inform my mother that her estranged father passed away?

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a great relationship with my mother and if I could have been saved from getting 'the phone call' and pretended she was still alive I would have. Hell, it's been years and I still pretend she is on holiday/can't call me.

Don't tell her. Let her do the math one day and Google him to see if he is indeed 120 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her. If she find out later that u know that will put a rift in your relationship.

How would she find out? I’m genuinely curious how she would find out I know right now? I’m alone at work. I searched on my phone, private browsing. I’ve told no one but you here. How would she find out I know? I’m genuinely curious and awaiting your answer.

I'm not the person you quoted, but I still think you should tell her.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

NP but what’s the difference? Either way her family of origin didn’t bother to tell her, and her child found out via the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

If this bothered you so much, why was there no attempt to end the estrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

If this bothered you so much, why was there no attempt to end the estrangement?

Your question presumes the estrangement was my doing. And no, it's not always a "two-way street." Besides, it wasn't so much that the person died--it was that their other family couldn't even be bothered to tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

If this bothered you so much, why was there no attempt to end the estrangement?

Your question presumes the estrangement was my doing. And no, it's not always a "two-way street." Besides, it wasn't so much that the person died--it was that their other family couldn't even be bothered to tell me.

But they didn’t tell you no matter how or when you finally found out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

If this bothered you so much, why was there no attempt to end the estrangement?

Your question presumes the estrangement was my doing. And no, it's not always a "two-way street." Besides, it wasn't so much that the person died--it was that their other family couldn't even be bothered to tell me.

But they didn’t tell you no matter how or when you finally found out.

That's correct. It was a sh***y thing for them to do. That's what made it upsetting. I'm not sure what point you are trying to make.

[Anonymous]

You tell her. It's been decades. If she would be "devastated" she would have done something to reach out. And, if she hasn't made an effort in decades but would be devastated, it's probably best she realize she has little time and a lot of work to reach out to anyone left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

If this bothered you so much, why was there no attempt to end the estrangement?

Your question presumes the estrangement was my doing. And no, it's not always a "two-way street." Besides, it wasn't so much that the person died--it was that their other family couldn't even be bothered to tell me.

Nobody knows your history here. But, if you weren't on good terms with their other family you can't be surprised they didn't look you up to find you just to give you bad news. That's not a call anyone wants to make and they aren't going to do it if they think it's going to open Pandora's box.

[Anonymous]

This is why you shouldn’t estrange yourself from your family.

[Anonymous]

I really want to know what was on the podcast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probable fake post. Anecdotally, unless you are prepared to help your mom work through the devastation you say she will experience if you tell her, stay out of it and act surprised when she does find out.

OP here. Omg it’s not a fake post! Please stop! Why does everyone always think everything is a fake post? This isn’t even remotely scandalous. Just stop!

New poster here.

"Please stop!" "Just stop!" This is dramatic, controlling language and I'm even more convinced it's a story in someone's mind. In the first place, when you start a topic, you can't dictate how people respond to it and DCUM has plenty of trolls inventing stories for the laughs. In second place, what are the odds that you randomly heard of a grandfather's passing on a podcast. A podcast? It'd be more plausible if you'd mentioned reading his obituary in the paper.

In real life of course you'd tell her. Now, if this was my book, she is a woman with "issues" to put it politely and who walked away from her family and refuses to keep in touch. They are effectively already dead to her. Why would she be so devastated by the news of the death of a father she refuses to keep in touch with? And if she would be upset, keep in mind she long made clear to the family she wants nothing to do with them or be part of the family, so they have no obligations to her either. Reaping the consequences of her actions.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would you tell her? Don’t tell people things you find out from Googling. That applies to exhusbands getting remarried, childhood homes burning down, estranged fathers dying. This is not hard. You googled something because of YOUR curiosity. Don’t dump the information you found on her.

And this is a PSA to everyone — if you have a loved one with severe trauma in their lives, don’t go poking around in their trauma on Google. You might find something you wish you didn’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why you shouldn’t estrange yourself from your family.

What a weird take lots of people on this thread have. If the father sexually assaulted her for years, for example, it’s understandable and healthy that she estranged herself from him. And also understandable that she’d had big feelings when he died.