How much stress is normal?

[Anonymous]

Dh and I told our kids flat out when they were in middle school that they were going to a state college, and that's all we can afford. Setting your kids expectations ahead of time is wildly helpful to all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I told our kids flat out when they were in middle school that they were going to a state college, and that's all we can afford. Setting your kids expectations ahead of time is wildly helpful to all.

The issue is that's not true for us: we could afford more. Some college might be affordable that isn't in-state, depending on everything else. I don't know what the expectations are and they will even change before we apply.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

This whole paragraph is sad. One freshman class has “hindered” him since? It’s the reason he’s ranked lower than DD - so if you didn’t make this mistake they’d be tied??
I hope your not feeding this stress and BS to your kids.

He is the one who brought it up and yes, that class gets weighted less so it took him down without him doing anything wrong. He was upset about it. I wouldn't know if he didn't mention it.

Stop right there. Did you make the best decision at the time with the knowledge you had? You tell him that and end of discussion.

I didn't make the best decision. I should have pushed him to take the class dd took.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

But here's the thing: I work at a law firm, okay? And there are two partners the same age, with the same amount of experience. One went to SUNY Albany and then McGeorge Law. One went to Georgetown and then Yale Law. And yet they both wound up in the same place, with the same title. Even if your son gets into a lower-ranked school that doesn't mean his life is over. I'm 47, I don't know where most of my friends went to college, because it becomes irrelevant once you're around 24-26. People make mistakes all the time. They learn from them and move on. So you suggested the wrong class to one kid. He can still be a successful adult despite what his mommy decided for him in 8th grade! Can't you see how insane this is?

+1

I agree completely, but without the condesencion or snark of the PP.

This process is as stressful as we choose to make it. And I totally understand why it feels like a choice made during freshman year had massive effects on everything that followed.

That IS the black-and-white mindset of many parents in this area: Either everything has been done "perfectly," or everything is a "failure". It's just not true. There are so many paths to success for our kids - and for us as parents raising healthy, successful kids.

Please don't let your past decisions weigh you down. Same for your DCs' past decisions. No doubt you all did the best you could at the time. Kids all mature differently, and should not be compared to each other (or to "optimal" versions of themselves - none of us can be at our very best every time!)

So my advice is to widen your scope. Recognize that there are so many possible good outcomes here. (Think in terms of ALL the colors - not just black or white.) Our kids can and will thrive in MANY different settings, and they will take different routes and lengths of time to get there. Fellow parents who tell you otherwise are really misrepresenting the situation.

Finally, my personal advice is not to over-extend yourselves financially by paying (or borrowing) for private college. The stress is not worth the upside, in my opinion or experience. If one or both of your DCs can get merit aid that brings the cost down to the level of in-state tuition, great. If not, watch them thrive in-state instead, and don't second-guess yourself. As PP said, the world is full of immensely talented, happy, successful people who did not go to expensive private colleges.

Again, there are so many paths to happiness and success. Our kids benefit when we stop stressing ourselves (and them) out trying to optimize every decision. And we benefit, too!

We're a case where my DS received enough merit aid from a private that it's the same cost as our in-state (Maryland) schools.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:To OP, you are absolutely right that certain items require your input.

What is the budget and does a prospective college meet need?

What might the student want to study and can they direct admit into that area? This is huge and an area you can help.

What type of campus will fit? You can take them to different schools by size, location and urban/rural easily and affordably.

Do they have a mix of schools including targets and likelies?

Point of all this is that you can help them, but the ways to help are fairly well documented on these boards and others.

We can help if you give more direction. If it is just pure stress you may need to speak with someone in higher ed or a therapist.

I am overwhelmed by all of it. Money is a huge stressor because we make enough that we won't get aid, but are young enough that our careers ramped up recently so we do not have huge amounts saved that would make it an easy decision. They both have some idea about a lot of this, but I worry we should not pay for it and just do a college in state, while thinking it will be our fault if they hate it and could have gone somewhere else and we were just being cheap.

Instead of lying in bed at 2am ruminating on this, you and DH can come up with a plan. How much money you have or plan to contribute and the kids can either choose schools that fit into that budget, or they have to take on the costs above and beyond. And it's your job to explain to them what that means, and how student loans and interest work. Be real about it with them.

We'd all love to be able to send our kids to whatever school their heart desires regardless of how much it cost. But that's not reality for the vast majority of parents. And good grief, do not worry about your kids saying it's your fault they hate their college and accuse you of being cheap. Why would you think that, have you raised them to feel this way?

+1 Time for planning! Figure out what you can cash flow, what you have in savings, what you think is reasonable for parent loans and student loans and go from there.

FWIW, my parents told me I couldn't go to some schools I'd have liked because of cost. I ended up loving my in-state public U and never thought they were cheap. With my two kids, we were in the no-need-aid camp and set a firm $40k max budget for each kid with the caveat that they could take out federal loans if it was important to them to go somewhere out of the budget or, if they chose something that was less than what we had in 529s, they could use the extra for grad school (which otherwise is on them). Neither had an issue with that and both are at schools that cost us <$30k/yr.

It's actually kind of freeing to have those limitations along with both having less-than-perfect grades. We just weren't going to be playing in the T30 game. And learned there are a ton of great schools that take B+/A- students and fit our budget. Try to move from the place of stress and uncertainty to curiosity about all the many options they can have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

This whole paragraph is sad. One freshman class has “hindered” him since? It’s the reason he’s ranked lower than DD - so if you didn’t make this mistake they’d be tied??
I hope your not feeding this stress and BS to your kids.

He is the one who brought it up and yes, that class gets weighted less so it took him down without him doing anything wrong. He was upset about it. I wouldn't know if he didn't mention it.

Stop right there. Did you make the best decision at the time with the knowledge you had? You tell him that and end of discussion.

I didn't make the best decision. I should have pushed him to take the class dd took.

Why? He chose the class, right? He should accept that he made the decision that he thought best at the time and move on from there. If you had pushed him to take that class, he did, and then did poorly, he'd now be blaming you for pushing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

I hear you. I have a senior and a junior. Life is rough to say the least.

I feel like I’ve not done enough to help my senior and could’ve navigated this better if I’d hired the right outside counselors. Even though I tried to micromanage the process, I feel like it would’ve been better if I had a neutral third-party involved.

As it is right now he’s gotten into a bunch of state schools out of state, including Wisconsin, deferred at others, and waiting on a long long list of schools for March and April. I feel like the process should have been smoother and there’s still so much anxiety given all the deferrals, but perhaps that is just the nature of the beast this year.

You have to realize that all of this will be out of your control. Set a schedule to work on things over the summer, and then the rest is out of your hands. Hire a hood outside counselor.

I feel the exact same way with similar results. But deferred at Wisconsin and Michigan. Waiting on others and in some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

This whole paragraph is sad. One freshman class has “hindered” him since? It’s the reason he’s ranked lower than DD - so if you didn’t make this mistake they’d be tied??
I hope your not feeding this stress and BS to your kids.

He is the one who brought it up and yes, that class gets weighted less so it took him down without him doing anything wrong. He was upset about it. I wouldn't know if he didn't mention it.

Stop right there. Did you make the best decision at the time with the knowledge you had? You tell him that and end of discussion.

I didn't make the best decision. I should have pushed him to take the class dd took.

Why? He chose the class, right? He should accept that he made the decision that he thought best at the time and move on from there. If you had pushed him to take that class, he did, and then did poorly, he'd now be blaming you for pushing him.

He was just a little kid who didn't know better, and I am an adult who should have known better.

[Anonymous]

My kid is extremely stressed by the whole process. Maintaining high grades, rigorous classes, athletics, finding meaningful extracurriculars, high pressure among peers.

It’s a lot of stress. I have no personal stress over it, but I AM involved, supportive and try to help where I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's crazy.

I have a Senior and Sophomore and I felt zero stress. The only stress (more like nervous energy) was waiting for my kid's first decision 12/15.

I didn't script my kids. Granted- I'm lucky both my sons have always gotten As, done their work and play sports, get involved. But, I didn't worry. We didn't hire a private counselor or any of that stuff.

I certainly did not want my kids to feel pressure or stress. I always reminded my oldest last year and this year that it is basically a lottery at a lot of places and most of all: it's not personal. They don't know him. They have certain quotas and agendas they need for their incoming classes.

He got deferred at his top choice and then in at two selective EA schools so the pressure is completely off. He would be thrilled to go to any of those.

Don't make it stressful. Get on some anxiety meds or something. It's not normal.

Some people are more easy going (your son) and some worry more. Your advice is not helpful, so why offer it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

This whole paragraph is sad. One freshman class has “hindered” him since? It’s the reason he’s ranked lower than DD - so if you didn’t make this mistake they’d be tied??
I hope your not feeding this stress and BS to your kids.

He is the one who brought it up and yes, that class gets weighted less so it took him down without him doing anything wrong. He was upset about it. I wouldn't know if he didn't mention it.

Stop right there. Did you make the best decision at the time with the knowledge you had? You tell him that and end of discussion.

I didn't make the best decision. I should have pushed him to take the class dd took.

Why? He chose the class, right? He should accept that he made the decision that he thought best at the time and move on from there. If you had pushed him to take that class, he did, and then did poorly, he'd now be blaming you for pushing him.

He was just a little kid who didn't know better, and I am an adult who should have known better.

OP clearly just wants to feel guilty and stressed and nothing we say is going to make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is extremely stressed by the whole process. Maintaining high grades, rigorous classes, athletics, finding meaningful extracurriculars, high pressure among peers.

It’s a lot of stress. I have no personal stress over it, but I AM involved, supportive and try to help where I can.

I take on all the stress, and I don't know how not to, or not to feel hugely responsible.I feel like where they end up with good guidance v. low guidance/bad guidance will be different, and I am the one making the difference. It feels like too much on my shoulders to decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

This whole paragraph is sad. One freshman class has “hindered” him since? It’s the reason he’s ranked lower than DD - so if you didn’t make this mistake they’d be tied??
I hope your not feeding this stress and BS to your kids.

He is the one who brought it up and yes, that class gets weighted less so it took him down without him doing anything wrong. He was upset about it. I wouldn't know if he didn't mention it.

Stop right there. Did you make the best decision at the time with the knowledge you had? You tell him that and end of discussion.

I didn't make the best decision. I should have pushed him to take the class dd took.

Why? He chose the class, right? He should accept that he made the decision that he thought best at the time and move on from there. If you had pushed him to take that class, he did, and then did poorly, he'd now be blaming you for pushing him.

He was just a little kid who didn't know better, and I am an adult who should have known better.

OP clearly just wants to feel guilty and stressed and nothing we say is going to make a difference.

I get your point but how is what I am saying wrong? We're asking little kids to make decisions that change what college they can get into.

[Anonymous]

I didnt feel stressed until the day my kids ED decisions were being announced. Not sure they did either.

I didn't plan their path, neither did they. They took the hardest classes they could, did as well as they could, did sports and ECs they enjoyed and in the end it all worked out. I did stress a tiny bit about how I was gonna pay for it, but they are in state schools and its really not THAT bad. I am cash flowing about half because I didn't save enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is extremely stressed by the whole process. Maintaining high grades, rigorous classes, athletics, finding meaningful extracurriculars, high pressure among peers.

It’s a lot of stress. I have no personal stress over it, but I AM involved, supportive and try to help where I can.

I take on all the stress, and I don't know how not to, or not to feel hugely responsible.I feel like where they end up with good guidance v. low guidance/bad guidance will be different, and I am the one making the difference. It feels like too much on my shoulders to decide.

If it's causing this much stress then you should find a good college counselor to provide the guidance or invest your time in doing the research to really understand the process so you feel more confident guiding them. I do get the stress. I felt that way as my oldest started high school but I am a librarian and I deal with stress by doing research! Read everything I could, listen to a lot of podcasts and by the time he was ready to start the process I felt really comfortable with it. And, fully understood that some schools are super hard to get into but there are many options that can provide a great start to life so was really chill about which place they ended up.