How much stress is normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have Junior twins and I am so stressed out even thinking about testing, college visits, college costs...It all feels so up in the air. I wake up with anxiety and go to bed with anxiety about it all.

There is nothing I can say that will make it better for you. BUT, good or bad, kids will find admission in all kinds of big/small, rural/urban etc etc colleges or even go to community college and then regular college. The college admission does not matter eventually.

What matters? My top 7 -
1 - Choosing a major and career that will make you employable as soon as you graduate in your field

2 - Excelling at college academically, keeping your nose clean at school/work/private life, not getting derailed. Protect your health, academic record, mental peace, reputation, money and physical security.

3 - Having the least amount of student debt possible. Zero student debt is even better.

4 - Making sure that your basic needs are covered at college without having to hustle for it - roof over head, place to study, medical care, food and transportation, academic tools, tutors, daily needs.

5 - Having a support system that may include being close to home. Homecooked meals, someone to do your laundry once in a while when you are sick. Take all the help you can get.

6 - Mom and dad not divorcing or selling the house and moving away or dying. So, nothing catastrophic. Parents who throw their kids out at 18 are especially toxic for college kids.

7. Internships, research opportunity, part time jobs - experiences that build your resume. Someone to teach you interview skills, networking, job hunting, how to dress for work and basic financial literacy.

What if you have no idea what you want to do? I totally envy parents of kids who know they want to do nursing, engineering...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have Junior twins and I am so stressed out even thinking about testing, college visits, college costs...It all feels so up in the air. I wake up with anxiety and go to bed with anxiety about it all.

There is nothing I can say that will make it better for you. BUT, good or bad, kids will find admission in all kinds of big/small, rural/urban etc etc colleges or even go to community college and then regular college. The college admission does not matter eventually.

What matters? My top 7 -
1 - Choosing a major and career that will make you employable as soon as you graduate in your field

2 - Excelling at college academically, keeping your nose clean at school/work/private life, not getting derailed. Protect your health, academic record, mental peace, reputation, money and physical security.

3 - Having the least amount of student debt possible. Zero student debt is even better.

4 - Making sure that your basic needs are covered at college without having to hustle for it - roof over head, place to study, medical care, food and transportation, academic tools, tutors, daily needs.

5 - Having a support system that may include being close to home. Homecooked meals, someone to do your laundry once in a while when you are sick. Take all the help you can get.

6 - Mom and dad not divorcing or selling the house and moving away or dying. So, nothing catastrophic. Parents who throw their kids out at 18 are especially toxic for college kids.

7. Internships, research opportunity, part time jobs - experiences that build your resume. Someone to teach you interview skills, networking, job hunting, how to dress for work and basic financial literacy.

What if you have no idea what you want to do? I totally envy parents of kids who know they want to do nursing, engineering...

I had/have kids who didn't know what they wanted to do entering college and I was 100% fine with them declaring undecided. I encouraged them to take a variety of classes and see what interested them or where they excelled, and could see doing that work for their career.

Yes there are some schools where you have to apply directly to that major, but there's plenty where you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have Junior twins and I am so stressed out even thinking about testing, college visits, college costs...It all feels so up in the air. I wake up with anxiety and go to bed with anxiety about it all.

There is nothing I can say that will make it better for you. BUT, good or bad, kids will find admission in all kinds of big/small, rural/urban etc etc colleges or even go to community college and then regular college. The college admission does not matter eventually.

What matters? My top 7 -
1 - Choosing a major and career that will make you employable as soon as you graduate in your field

2 - Excelling at college academically, keeping your nose clean at school/work/private life, not getting derailed. Protect your health, academic record, mental peace, reputation, money and physical security.

3 - Having the least amount of student debt possible. Zero student debt is even better.

4 - Making sure that your basic needs are covered at college without having to hustle for it - roof over head, place to study, medical care, food and transportation, academic tools, tutors, daily needs.

5 - Having a support system that may include being close to home. Homecooked meals, someone to do your laundry once in a while when you are sick. Take all the help you can get.

6 - Mom and dad not divorcing or selling the house and moving away or dying. So, nothing catastrophic. Parents who throw their kids out at 18 are especially toxic for college kids.

7. Internships, research opportunity, part time jobs - experiences that build your resume. Someone to teach you interview skills, networking, job hunting, how to dress for work and basic financial literacy.

What if you have no idea what you want to do? I totally envy parents of kids who know they want to do nursing, engineering...

I had/have kids who didn't know what they wanted to do entering college and I was 100% fine with them declaring undecided. I encouraged them to take a variety of classes and see what interested them or where they excelled, and could see doing that work for their career.

Yes there are some schools where you have to apply directly to that major, but there's plenty where you don't.

This. It does make it a bit easier if they have a major in mind because that becomes a key factor in evaluating schools. But with an undecided kid I'd focus on understanding how schools support students in figuring out a direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's crazy.

I have a Senior and Sophomore and I felt zero stress. The only stress (more like nervous energy) was waiting for my kid's first decision 12/15.

I didn't script my kids. Granted- I'm lucky both my sons have always gotten As, done their work and play sports, get involved. But, I didn't worry. We didn't hire a private counselor or any of that stuff.

I certainly did not want my kids to feel pressure or stress. I always reminded my oldest last year and this year that it is basically a lottery at a lot of places and most of all: it's not personal. They don't know him. They have certain quotas and agendas they need for their incoming classes.

He got deferred at his top choice and then in at two selective EA schools so the pressure is completely off. He would be thrilled to go to any of those.

Don't make it stressful. Get on some anxiety meds or something. It's not normal.

Some people are more easy going (your son) and some worry more. Your advice is not helpful, so why offer it.

Because I think the mother is fueling this pressure cooker environment. Kids feed off our emotions, just like our dogs. IF you are wound that tight and that stressed out, it's emanating from you. The kids can feel it and you should be the one modeling that everything will be okay.

[Anonymous]

You are carrying around too much blame and guilt with your parenting responsibilities, OP. I know that’s really common for mothers in our society but I hope you can find a way to liberate yourself a bit from this. It’s not healthy for you or your kids.

Help them create realistic and manageable expectations with regard to college. Hire some outside help if needed to make it less stressful. Then let the cards fall where they may.

You don’t have to script your children’s entire lives and futures. Let go of that notion today!

[Anonymous]

OP, uncertainty can be very, very stressful. For some people, it can feel intolerable. Here's just one article on the topic. It is worth reading. https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20211022-why-were-so-terrified-of-the-unknown

You asked how much stress is normal, which makes me wonder if perhaps you are afraid that you are moving out of the realm of "ordinary stress." We can all reassure you -- it will, in fact, be okay! -- but if your brain gets trapped in an anxiety loop, nothing we can say will actually help.

But the good news is there ARE things that can help.

Do you have access to therapy if you need it? If so, look for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which can help rewire neural circuitry to help get people out of anxiety loops.

I also strongly recommend downloading a meditation app, something like 10% Happier. Do not meditate with the expectation of quieting your mind -- chances are, your mind won't "quiet" at all. Try it instead simply with the goal of noticing your thoughts. As soon as you can begin to observe your thoughts, you create just a tiny bit of space between yourself and the stressful thoughts/rumination.

Journal. Simply putting the stress, your fears, your questions, etc., on paper can help get it out of you. Throw away the pages every day if you need to, and if you don't want your kids to find them. But taking even five minutes to write them down could be helpful.

Do you have someone in your life that you can call and say, "I'm stressing again," and they'll make you laugh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

This whole paragraph is sad. One freshman class has “hindered” him since? It’s the reason he’s ranked lower than DD - so if you didn’t make this mistake they’d be tied??
I hope your not feeding this stress and BS to your kids.

He is the one who brought it up and yes, that class gets weighted less so it took him down without him doing anything wrong. He was upset about it. I wouldn't know if he didn't mention it.

Stop right there. Did you make the best decision at the time with the knowledge you had? You tell him that and end of discussion.

I didn't make the best decision. I should have pushed him to take the class dd took.

Why? He chose the class, right? He should accept that he made the decision that he thought best at the time and move on from there. If you had pushed him to take that class, he did, and then did poorly, he'd now be blaming you for pushing him.

He was just a little kid who didn't know better, and I am an adult who should have known better.

OP clearly just wants to feel guilty and stressed and nothing we say is going to make a difference.

I get your point but how is what I am saying wrong? We're asking little kids to make decisions that change what college they can get into.

If you really think your son’s college experience and future career hinges on one class, then honestly there’s no hope for you. Every year, every semester, every test and class is going to have you second guessing yourself. And feeling guilty. And wanting to step in and “fix” things.

Strap yourself in. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

agreed. i can't believe the angst over one class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is extremely stressed by the whole process. Maintaining high grades, rigorous classes, athletics, finding meaningful extracurriculars, high pressure among peers.

It’s a lot of stress. I have no personal stress over it, but I AM involved, supportive and try to help where I can.

I take on all the stress, and I don't know how not to, or not to feel hugely responsible.I feel like where they end up with good guidance v. low guidance/bad guidance will be different, and I am the one making the difference. It feels like too much on my shoulders to decide.

Get yourself to a therapist ASAP. For you. Focused on addressing this specific issue. Like literally print out the OP and this post, and hand them both to the therapist to get started.

There's nothing wrong with you. But this particular mindset is unhealthy, and your current set of beliefs (including that you are responsible for everything) is clearly crushing you.

I can relate 100%, and I assure you therapy can change your life in this area. You do not need to be carrying such an impossible burden. Plus it would benefit your kids, too. (Though your well-being alone is more than enough reason to talk with a therapist about this.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is extremely stressed by the whole process. Maintaining high grades, rigorous classes, athletics, finding meaningful extracurriculars, high pressure among peers.

It’s a lot of stress. I have no personal stress over it, but I AM involved, supportive and try to help where I can.

I take on all the stress, and I don't know how not to, or not to feel hugely responsible.I feel like where they end up with good guidance v. low guidance/bad guidance will be different, and I am the one making the difference. It feels like too much on my shoulders to decide.

Get yourself to a therapist ASAP. For you. Focused on addressing this specific issue. Like literally print out the OP and this post, and hand them both to the therapist to get started.

There's nothing wrong with you. But this particular mindset is unhealthy, and your current set of beliefs (including that you are responsible for everything) is clearly crushing you.

I can relate 100%, and I assure you therapy can change your life in this area. You do not need to be carrying such an impossible burden. Plus it would benefit your kids, too. (Though your well-being alone is more than enough reason to talk with a therapist about this.)

This is a really good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have Junior twins and I am so stressed out even thinking about testing, college visits, college costs...It all feels so up in the air. I wake up with anxiety and go to bed with anxiety about it all.

I'm with you OP. I ruminate on the what-ifs all of the time and wish I did more, or had a better advisor. Not do more FOR my kid, but just guide them and think ahead more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is extremely stressed by the whole process. Maintaining high grades, rigorous classes, athletics, finding meaningful extracurriculars, high pressure among peers.

It’s a lot of stress. I have no personal stress over it, but I AM involved, supportive and try to help where I can.

I take on all the stress, and I don't know how not to, or not to feel hugely responsible.I feel like where they end up with good guidance v. low guidance/bad guidance will be different, and I am the one making the difference. It feels like too much on my shoulders to decide.

Get yourself to a therapist ASAP. For you. Focused on addressing this specific issue. Like literally print out the OP and this post, and hand them both to the therapist to get started.

There's nothing wrong with you. But this particular mindset is unhealthy, and your current set of beliefs (including that you are responsible for everything) is clearly crushing you.

I can relate 100%, and I assure you therapy can change your life in this area. You do not need to be carrying such an impossible burden. Plus it would benefit your kids, too. (Though your well-being alone is more than enough reason to talk with a therapist about this.)

This is a really good idea.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

This whole paragraph is sad. One freshman class has “hindered” him since? It’s the reason he’s ranked lower than DD - so if you didn’t make this mistake they’d be tied??
I hope your not feeding this stress and BS to your kids.

He is the one who brought it up and yes, that class gets weighted less so it took him down without him doing anything wrong. He was upset about it. I wouldn't know if he didn't mention it.

Stop right there. Did you make the best decision at the time with the knowledge you had? You tell him that and end of discussion.

Yes. You did the best you could. Honestly, please give yourself a break. FWIW, I am on anti-anxiety medication and I've found it helps a lot. So does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

This whole paragraph is sad. One freshman class has “hindered” him since? It’s the reason he’s ranked lower than DD - so if you didn’t make this mistake they’d be tied??
I hope your not feeding this stress and BS to your kids.

He is the one who brought it up and yes, that class gets weighted less so it took him down without him doing anything wrong. He was upset about it. I wouldn't know if he didn't mention it.

Stop right there. Did you make the best decision at the time with the knowledge you had? You tell him that and end of discussion.

I didn't make the best decision. I should have pushed him to take the class dd took.

Why? He chose the class, right? He should accept that he made the decision that he thought best at the time and move on from there. If you had pushed him to take that class, he did, and then did poorly, he'd now be blaming you for pushing him.

He was just a little kid who didn't know better, and I am an adult who should have known better.

OP clearly just wants to feel guilty and stressed and nothing we say is going to make a difference.

I get your point but how is what I am saying wrong? We're asking little kids to make decisions that change what college they can get into.

This took a turn, lol. I am picturing some 20 year old internet dweeb laughing uproariously at DCUM…

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind, OP, that this might be more general anxiety about your kids growing up and moving out. I imagine that twins required an incredible level of attention and effort and you’re used to taking care of every need for two at one time. They are on the verge of growing up and moving out and not needing you in the same way. They will be making one of their first adult decisions when they decide on a school and that may be freaking all of you out.

The good news is that this decision doesn’t have to be permanent. They’re not getting married or having a child. If they’re not crazy about their school they can transfer. Just remembering that seems to have really helped my DS to calm down about this process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind, OP, that this might be more general anxiety about your kids growing up and moving out. I imagine that twins required an incredible level of attention and effort and you’re used to taking care of every need for two at one time. They are on the verge of growing up and moving out and not needing you in the same way. They will be making one of their first adult decisions when they decide on a school and that may be freaking all of you out.

The good news is that this decision doesn’t have to be permanent. They’re not getting married or having a child. If they’re not crazy about their school they can transfer. Just remembering that seems to have really helped my DS to calm down about this process.

+1 I emphasized to DD, who was having a hard time with the decision, that this is not a "rest of your life" decision. It's a "next year" decision and then you take it from there