How much stress is normal?

[Anonymous]

I have Junior twins and I am so stressed out even thinking about testing, college visits, college costs...It all feels so up in the air. I wake up with anxiety and go to bed with anxiety about it all.

[Anonymous]

I have a very long thread in the teen forum that ultimately ended with me realizing I needed to go to therapy because of how both DS and I were dealing with the stress of admissions.

So, I would say if you're literally anxious all day, that's not normal. It's ok for it to spike temporarily during relevant conversations, but it shouldn't take over your life. Waking up and going to bed upset over it is NOT normal.

[Anonymous]

I hear you but you really need to find a way to chill.

Look at the studies that demonstrate choice of school does not have a major impact on lifetime earnings.

Or consider all the positive reviews for schools beyond the top ones. Somehow students are happy and learning at the schools this forum sometimes frowns upon.

Set up the parameters of your search, create a timeline and do your research. Then spend time with your twins before they leave home.

I am a parent of twins, I have been in your shoes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you but you really need to find a way to chill.

Look at the studies that demonstrate choice of school does not have a major impact on lifetime earnings.

Or consider all the positive reviews for schools beyond the top ones. Somehow students are happy and learning at the schools this forum sometimes frowns upon.

Set up the parameters of your search, create a timeline and do your research. Then spend time with your twins before they leave home.

I am a parent of twins, I have been in your shoes!

+100 When my DD had a huge meltdown in 10th grade over college stress (coming from school/peers, not us) I spent some time with her showing her schools I thought she'd like that have good programs for her interests and have 60%+ acceptance rates. Talked with her about how going to to a super selective school is not essential for success. Pointed out that DH and I and plenty of people she knows didn't go to those schools so if her friends think that they are wrong. I seemed to help and she's actually now at one of the schools I showed her back then.

[Anonymous]

Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

Over and done with it. Move forward the best you and he can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you but you really need to find a way to chill.

Look at the studies that demonstrate choice of school does not have a major impact on lifetime earnings.

Or consider all the positive reviews for schools beyond the top ones. Somehow students are happy and learning at the schools this forum sometimes frowns upon.

Set up the parameters of your search, create a timeline and do your research. Then spend time with your twins before they leave home.

I am a parent of twins, I have been in your shoes!

For me it's everything: if I could easily pay 70k per kid at a "not prestigious" school, I'd not worry. I cannot do that so it already limits their choices. Then their course selections, scores, grades all limit further, and I have some input in all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you but you really need to find a way to chill.

Look at the studies that demonstrate choice of school does not have a major impact on lifetime earnings.

Or consider all the positive reviews for schools beyond the top ones. Somehow students are happy and learning at the schools this forum sometimes frowns upon.

Set up the parameters of your search, create a timeline and do your research. Then spend time with your twins before they leave home.

I am a parent of twins, I have been in your shoes!

This. Read: https://lesshighschoolstress.com/

Read: Where You Go Is Not Who You'll Be

Watch/Read: Malcolm Gladwell on the benefits of being the big fish in a smaller pond

[Anonymous]

Parenting teens is tough and I can only imagine the added stress with twins, OP. However, I do think you are internalizing too much of their stress. If it’s interfering with your sleep and physical/mental well-being, I agreed with the idea of seeking an outlet to help you better manage this level of stress. Good luck, it’s going to be okay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

I hear you. I have a senior and a junior. Life is rough to say the least.

I feel like I’ve not done enough to help my senior and could’ve navigated this better if I’d hired the right outside counselors. Even though I tried to micromanage the process, I feel like it would’ve been better if I had a neutral third-party involved.

As it is right now he’s gotten into a bunch of state schools out of state, including Wisconsin, deferred at others, and waiting on a long long list of schools for March and April. I feel like the process should have been smoother and there’s still so much anxiety given all the deferrals, but perhaps that is just the nature of the beast this year.

You have to realize that all of this will be out of your control. Set a schedule to work on things over the summer, and then the rest is out of your hands. Hire a hood outside counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be.

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.

This is part of your problem. One course selection is not going to hinder your kid forever. He's fine. He'll get into college and he'll start his career afterwards, and he may even change his major, or change his career at some point, and he'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

To OP, you are absolutely right that certain items require your input.

What is the budget and does a prospective college meet need?

What might the student want to study and can they direct admit into that area? This is huge and an area you can help.

What type of campus will fit? You can take them to different schools by size, location and urban/rural easily and affordably.

Do they have a mix of schools including targets and likelies?

Point of all this is that you can help them, but the ways to help are fairly well documented on these boards and others.

We can help if you give more direction. If it is just pure stress you may need to speak with someone in higher ed or a therapist.

[Anonymous]

One thought for OP. If your student is in high school, it likely means you did not drop them as a baby, did not scar them permanently and they know you love them. So you’ve done your job well enough to reach this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you but you really need to find a way to chill.

Look at the studies that demonstrate choice of school does not have a major impact on lifetime earnings.

Or consider all the positive reviews for schools beyond the top ones. Somehow students are happy and learning at the schools this forum sometimes frowns upon.

Set up the parameters of your search, create a timeline and do your research. Then spend time with your twins before they leave home.

I am a parent of twins, I have been in your shoes!

For me it's everything: if I could easily pay 70k per kid at a "not prestigious" school, I'd not worry. I cannot do that so it already limits their choices. Then their course selections, scores, grades all limit further, and I have some input in all this.

You’d probably just stress about some other element of the process.

We started out thinking my kid was aiming for top tier colleges. We’ve had to adjust sights/search downward every season as kid crashed and burned at a few key points. It kind of sucks. At the same time…you realize how blind you can be to how many wonderful schools there are out there, and how people thrive at them. Each time we’ve rewritten the college list (now includes a couple schools that admit 90% of applicants, and no longer includes any with admissions rate lower than 70%) we’ve been stressed, sad, and disappointed. And then…we all adjust to the new normal, and find good things about schools on the list. My kid’s top options are ones I looked down on and thought “well, at least he won’t go THERE” two years ago. And you know what? We’ll all be okay.

You don’t need to be this stressed, OP. Your kids will go to a fine college.