Allowing dangerous play

[Anonymous]

OP, are you getting help? Because you started this talking about situations where two parents have different levels of comfort with certain types of play. But it sounds like the issue is that your kid has serious defiance problems and you don't have strategies to deal with it.

The latter can be really hard to address, but are you trying to address it? Because it sounds like a crisis situation.

[Anonymous]

Op, my kids do plenty of climbing trees, digging, playing in mud.

I just tell the parents beforehand. I ask if they're comfortable and suggest a change of clothes. Most parents are perfectly happy.

Also, you need to have control if you're allowing stuff like that. If you don't come down when I tell you to, there is a consequence

[Anonymous]

If other people’s kids often get hurt at your house, then you are allowing too much dangerous play. You are right to limit it when friends are over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?

I allow more dangerous play than other parents.

Buttt why

Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.

I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.

In those situations, I do tell my kids to stop what they're doing, that they're being bad influences. But one of my kids is a bit oppositional and defiant, so doesn't listen. And in a situation like that, where we have always allowed them to do the said thing (like climb high up a tree), I can't seem to convince them why they should come down. And if I bring up the other kids, it just seems to make them resent their presence more because it limits them from doing their normal thing.

Wow, OK so that's a whole different problem. What consequences do you have for that kind of defiance?

She doesn't have any. Her kids are brats and she is lazy.

Reread her first post. None of those behaviors are egregious. Most parents are Ok with those things.

Now read her second post.

She lets them do whatever no guidance at all. Which is different from just letting them be Kids.

Nope she has no rules. That is why kids are getting hurt.

It is fine to. teach your kids to think for themselves absolutely that is not what is happening here.

My guess is if her kid wanted to jump off the roof of her house she'd be fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?

I allow more dangerous play than other parents.

Buttt why

Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.

I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.

In those situations, I do tell my kids to stop what they're doing, that they're being bad influences. But one of my kids is a bit oppositional and defiant, so doesn't listen. And in a situation like that, where we have always allowed them to do the said thing (like climb high up a tree), I can't seem to convince them why they should come down. And if I bring up the other kids, it just seems to make them resent their presence more because it limits them from doing their normal thing.

Wow, OK so that's a whole different problem. What consequences do you have for that kind of defiance?

She doesn't have any. Her kids are brats and she is lazy.

Reread her first post. None of those behaviors are egregious. Most parents are Ok with those things.

Now read her second post.

She lets them do whatever no guidance at all. Which is different from just letting them be Kids.

Nope she has no rules. That is why kids are getting hurt.

It is fine to. teach your kids to think for themselves absolutely that is not what is happening here.

My guess is if her kid wanted to jump off the roof of her house she'd be fine with it.

She’s lazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?

I allow more dangerous play than other parents.

Buttt why

Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.

Dumbest response ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am also really mindful of this discrepancy when our kids are playing and the other parents are around. Their kids see our kids doing something, and then their kids want to do the same thing. But it's something the other kids would never allow their kids to do. Either because they are more cautious, or because they are younger.

But in effect, our kids are the bad influences and the other parents end up having to set limits or deal with whining and tantrums.

You sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Before the playdate. To my kids, "Hey, when friends are over no climbing trees/throwing knives/licking toadstools." Why? "Because I'm ok with risking your safety, not your friends."

To the parents. "Hey, Larlo is welcome to come over, but I'll be WFH so I won't be able to supervise. I'll lay out the groundrules, but it's up to them to follow them."

At start of playdate. "So glad you all could get together. As a reminder, no climbing trees, throwing knives or licking toadstools. The NERF guns are in the closet. Have at it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am also really mindful of this discrepancy when our kids are playing and the other parents are around. Their kids see our kids doing something, and then their kids want to do the same thing. But it's something the other kids would never allow their kids to do. Either because they are more cautious, or because they are younger.

But in effect, our kids are the bad influences and the other parents end up having to set limits or deal with whining and tantrums.

Oh geez, let the other parents control their own kids. Good news, you don't have to worry about this!

My son is 12 now. But at a local park, there's a little stream that runs through. My son loved it, it was the highlight of the park. (It's like a 4" deep trickle).

If we went with/met up with a friend and that mom was opposed to playing in the stream for whatever reason (usually too muddy), of course I taught my kid to be polite and play with his friend instead of in the stream.

But otherwise, he was free to play in it even if other random kids (or classmates we happened to run in to) had tantrums because their moms said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?

I allow more dangerous play than other parents.

Buttt why

Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.

I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.

How is it teaching them to be obnoxious when they have no way of knowing what the other kids are not allowed to do?

If the other parent is right there telling their kid "you can't climb trees" and OP's kid is there, then OP's kid does in fact know what the other kid is not allowed to do.

Np. But in this example, why does "knowing the other kid isn't allowed to climb trees" mean "I can't climb trees?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?

I allow more dangerous play than other parents.

Buttt why

Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.

I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.

In those situations, I do tell my kids to stop what they're doing, that they're being bad influences. But one of my kids is a bit oppositional and defiant, so doesn't listen. And in a situation like that, where we have always allowed them to do the said thing (like climb high up a tree), I can't seem to convince them why they should come down. And if I bring up the other kids, it just seems to make them resent their presence more because it limits them from doing their normal thing.

Wow, OK so that's a whole different problem. What consequences do you have for that kind of defiance?

She doesn't have any. Her kids are brats and she is lazy.

Reread her first post. None of those behaviors are egregious. Most parents are Ok with those things.

Now read her second post.

She lets them do whatever no guidance at all. Which is different from just letting them be Kids.

Nope she has no rules. That is why kids are getting hurt.

It is fine to. teach your kids to think for themselves absolutely that is not what is happening here.

My guess is if her kid wanted to jump off the roof of her house she'd be fine with it.

See this is why I have issues. PP hears what I let them do, thinks I'm a lazy parent who lets them do whatever the heck they want to do and have zero rules. And that I'm at fault for the kids getting hurt, and that I'd be fine with the kids jumping off the roof.

I think what I allow is perfectly reasonable for our kids. But then when other kids come over or when we have a playdate, I start being the helicopter mom because there are parents like above.

[Anonymous]

To OP: Knicks means a basketball team in NY. I think the word you were searching for is nicks. YW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?

I allow more dangerous play than other parents.

Buttt why

Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.

I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.

In those situations, I do tell my kids to stop what they're doing, that they're being bad influences. But one of my kids is a bit oppositional and defiant, so doesn't listen. And in a situation like that, where we have always allowed them to do the said thing (like climb high up a tree), I can't seem to convince them why they should come down. And if I bring up the other kids, it just seems to make them resent their presence more because it limits them from doing their normal thing.

Wow, OK so that's a whole different problem. What consequences do you have for that kind of defiance?

She doesn't have any. Her kids are brats and she is lazy.

Reread her first post. None of those behaviors are egregious. Most parents are Ok with those things.

Now read her second post.

She lets them do whatever no guidance at all. Which is different from just letting them be Kids.

Nope she has no rules. That is why kids are getting hurt.

It is fine to. teach your kids to think for themselves absolutely that is not what is happening here.

My guess is if her kid wanted to jump off the roof of her house she'd be fine with it.

See this is why I have issues. PP hears what I let them do, thinks I'm a lazy parent who lets them do whatever the heck they want to do and have zero rules. And that I'm at fault for the kids getting hurt, and that I'd be fine with the kids jumping off the roof.

I think what I allow is perfectly reasonable for our kids. But then when other kids come over or when we have a playdate, I start being the helicopter mom because there are parents like above.

.

NP. But it sort of sounds like you have no choice but to let your kids do whatever they want to because they don’t listen to you at all. So it’s not that it’s safer for them than others, it’s that you can’t stop them anyway and that becomes embarrassing and problematic in front of friends/their parents. No?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we have much lower thresholds for dangerous activities than other parents do. Knock on wood, no one has ended up seriously injured, apart from a couple knicks and bruises.

Not sure how to manage this when our kids' friends come over, or when they play together. There have been a couple times when another child got hurt doing something that my kids do all the time, but maybe aren't as practiced at. But our kids started the activity. Like playing tag at a playground, playing night-time tag, sliding down our stairs, or something similar. I have started prohibiting anything where the other kids might get hurt, but I am really starting to feel like a wet blanket.

How would you handle?

Playing tag at a playground is a dangerous activity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure whether having a lower threshold for dangerous play means you allow more or less?

I allow more dangerous play than other parents.

Buttt why

Because i think its good for them to learn to manage risk at a younger age to be safer when they are older.

I'm someone who allows a fair amount of risk. But freedom to play, and experiences with things like woodworking tools and stoves and knives in the kitchen.

But, I also think there's value in learning to manage social situations from a younger age, and allowing your kids to show off behaviors that their friends aren't allowed to do is teaching them to be obnoxious. Find other opportunities for risks, and set limits in the situations you describe where other parents are saying no.

For the situations in your own home, when the other parents aren't there, it's harder because you might allow something, that you don't know the other parent wouldn't allow.

In those situations, I do tell my kids to stop what they're doing, that they're being bad influences. But one of my kids is a bit oppositional and defiant, so doesn't listen. And in a situation like that, where we have always allowed them to do the said thing (like climb high up a tree), I can't seem to convince them why they should come down. And if I bring up the other kids, it just seems to make them resent their presence more because it limits them from doing their normal thing.

Wow, OK so that's a whole different problem. What consequences do you have for that kind of defiance?

She doesn't have any. Her kids are brats and she is lazy.

Reread her first post. None of those behaviors are egregious. Most parents are Ok with those things.

Now read her second post.

She lets them do whatever no guidance at all. Which is different from just letting them be Kids.

Nope she has no rules. That is why kids are getting hurt.

It is fine to. teach your kids to think for themselves absolutely that is not what is happening here.

My guess is if her kid wanted to jump off the roof of her house she'd be fine with it.

See this is why I have issues. PP hears what I let them do, thinks I'm a lazy parent who lets them do whatever the heck they want to do and have zero rules. And that I'm at fault for the kids getting hurt, and that I'd be fine with the kids jumping off the roof.

I think what I allow is perfectly reasonable for our kids. But then when other kids come over or when we have a playdate, I start being the helicopter mom because there are parents like above.

.

NP. But it sort of sounds like you have no choice but to let your kids do whatever they want to because they don’t listen to you at all. So it’s not that it’s safer for them than others, it’s that you can’t stop them anyway and that becomes embarrassing and problematic in front of friends/their parents. No?

I don't think op is the poster who said they can't tell their kid no. That was a different person.