Giving up on Gentle Parenting

[Anonymous]

We are all raising our kids to be adults. Some kids can handle gentle parenting. I have one that can, two that can’t. It’s not workable for some kids.

Moreover. We also only have one life to live and I’m not living it being tortured by rude kids. Get them in line, whatever it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been parenting with Janet Lansbury-aspirational, How to Talk to Kids, and Ross Greene (older DC has ADHD.) Spent hours in therapy to try to parent gently. gritted my teeth during the pandemic. they are spoiled, I have lost myself when I’m with them because they fight all the time, and I dread nearly every minute. Trying to survive this long weekend. I have started drinking again and think about suicide. I’m going to try letting them know how I really feel, and laying down the law.

Get some help immediately!

Gentle parenting has always been crap. Children come into this world as feral as all animals. If you have ever had a dog or cat have a litter then you would have seen how to they parent and discipline their offspring. Humans are meant to do the same and it starts the get
go.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is glossing over the suicide part. Op please get help for yourself first. Kids come second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids with ADHD and a DH who may have ADHD. It's hard but not that hard - I've trained horses and dogs for years and a lot of the training ideas transfer. Have a goal, break down the smaller steps needed to get there. Require good manners and safety.

OP, if they are bugging each other or fighting, then tell them what to do (walk on either side of you), give them something to focus on (count the mailboxes, run to the next driveway, whatever), and correct bad behavior (no hitting, touching your brother means losing screen time or a toy or something). Use your mom voice/teacher voice/drill sergeant voice. Training requires consistency and persistence. You can do this.

Ha! Yes. This.

I just randomly watched an episode of South Park yesterday. Cartman was out of control (of course) and Cartman's mom brought in a variety of child experts for behavioral help. The only expert who was able to help was the Dog Whisperer. The Dog Whisperer helped immensely but in the end, Cartman reverted back to his bad ways because his mom was enabling and babying him.

My teen likes South Park. I'm not a huge fun but, ugh, there is truth there at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is glossing over the suicide part. Op please get help for yourself first. Kids come second.

This this this. Omg do whatever you need to do to get help. Even if it’s screens literally every minute your spouse is gone in the short term while you get in with a psychiatrist.

Once you have taken care of yourself look into parental training. It works incredibly well for kids with ADHD. We have firm immediate consequences for specific behaviors, although I try hard not to yell. One of those is hitting. Hitting = immediate time out.

Also if your kids can’t get along they need a break from each other. Not a punishment per se but they go to separate rooms for a while. Repeat as needed. I have a kid with ADHD and one NT and they do hit but it’s so much better now I have a clear plan and we all know what will happen.

[Anonymous]

Just sending hugs. You are not alone, and you are trying so hard to do right with your kids. Meaning this in a genuine, sincere way -- gently parent yourself.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I am a big fan of Janet Lansbury and she's pretty big on firm boundaries, and self-care for parents.

I think people misinterpret this type of parenting all the time.

Anyway, OP, this is an oxygen mask type of situation. Talk to your spouse, stat, and figure out what you need in the short-term to get immediate help.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD mom of two neurodivergent kids here. Gentle parenting does not work for my kids. Dr Becky and Janet Lansbury can go eff themselves. They would not last a day in my house before my 3 year would have a tantrum and try biting them, ripping out their hair, and head butting them in the face.

Suggest you move this to the special needs parenting forum because parents of neurotypical kids just have no clue about how hard it is. Solidarity, OP.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I am a big fan of Janet Lansbury and she's pretty big on firm boundaries, and self-care for parents.

I think people misinterpret this type of parenting all the time.

Anyway, OP, this is an oxygen mask type of situation. Talk to your spouse, stat, and figure out what you need in the short-term to get immediate help.

Hang in there.

Yeah. I think a lot of people are confused about the point of gentle parenting. The goal is to regulate your own emotions so you are a safe space for your kid, not to completely forgo discipline or consequences. If you "can't do" gentle parenting because you can't stop blowing up at your kids that's a problem.

[Anonymous]

gentle parenting =/= no boundaries and spoiled kids.

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting is bs.

Our nanny sets boundaries, isn't afraid and taught good manners to our kids.

Many parents needs to learn to discipline their kids
Stop spoiling them, teach good manners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is bs.

Our nanny sets boundaries, isn't afraid and taught good manners to our kids.

Many parents needs to learn to discipline their kids
Stop spoiling them, teach good manners

Omg is this satire? You aren't in charge of instilling boundaries and manners into your own children? I'll pass on the parenting advice given by someone who doesn't even parent their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids with ADHD and a DH who may have ADHD. It's hard but not that hard - I've trained horses and dogs for years and a lot of the training ideas transfer. Have a goal, break down the smaller steps needed to get there. Require good manners and safety.

OP, if they are bugging each other or fighting, then tell them what to do (walk on either side of you), give them something to focus on (count the mailboxes, run to the next driveway, whatever), and correct bad behavior (no hitting, touching your brother means losing screen time or a toy or something). Use your mom voice/teacher voice/drill sergeant voice. Training requires consistency and persistence. You can do this.

Ha! Yes. This.

I just randomly watched an episode of South Park yesterday. Cartman was out of control (of course) and Cartman's mom brought in a variety of child experts for behavioral help. The only expert who was able to help was the Dog Whisperer. The Dog Whisperer helped immensely but in the end, Cartman reverted back to his bad ways because his mom was enabling and babying him.

My teen likes South Park. I'm not a huge fun but, ugh, there is truth there at times.

Ha ha I need to watch that episode.

[Anonymous]

I think the gentle parenting trend came out a genuine desire to go the opposite way from our parents, who often failed at acknowledging that kids are humans with feelings and preferences. We swung the pendulum really far. Now, it's clear that kids are humans but they still need the structure and rules from their parents while being allowed to make choices. I suspect we will swing back towards the middle soon.

[Anonymous]

Serious question: is there any research showing that gentle parenting works? OP please let go of thinking you have to parent this way and give yourself the freedom to figure out what works for you and your family.