Dealing with abuse by a mentally ill family member

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is this the weird stalking aunt?

I recall one problem with that situation was that family members would give her OP's contact info, by accident or inattention.

So when she calls, she calls from numbers that do not appear to be her own? Same for emails? Offensive mail and packages do not have a return address you can recognize?

Whoever in the family that is doing that, thinks it’s funny or whatever, also needs to be cut off

[Anonymous]

Change your number and email. Give it to one family member at a time. Or create multiple separate email accounts and give one to each family member. See which one she ends up using. Give the two elderly people she lives with the same address. They are probably asking her for help when they send you stuff and that’s how she keeps getting your info.

you are a saint for dealing with this peacefully. Circle back if she ever gets her own place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change your number and email. Give it to one family member at a time. Or create multiple separate email accounts and give one to each family member. See which one she ends up using. Give the two elderly people she lives with the same address. They are probably asking her for help when they send you stuff and that’s how she keeps getting your info.

you are a saint for dealing with this peacefully. Circle back if she ever gets her own place.

This you need to firewall your life from her.

You can create Google voice numbers along with emails, and I would give only that to relatives.

As for packages from unknown senders, I would just return all to sender. If you move, buy with an anonymous trust and do not give to ANYONE in family.

So sorry

[Anonymous]

Many you give your family member material to work with. Here is a sample of what you have written so far:

- “hire a baby sitter to open unknown packages.”
- “short of the witness protection program” - <short of> “ name changes to stop the harassment. “

You have to agree that you appear dramatic. Your airing this business on a public forum also points to attention seeking behavior and a need for validation from strangers. The reason something “hurts you” is because her “specificity” may sound like the truth.

[Anonymous]

*maybe, not many

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many you give your family member material to work with. Here is a sample of what you have written so far:

- “hire a baby sitter to open unknown packages.”
- “short of the witness protection program” - <short of> “ name changes to stop the harassment. “

You have to agree that you appear dramatic. Your airing this business on a public forum also points to attention seeking behavior and a need for validation from strangers. The reason something “hurts you” is because her “specificity” may sound like the truth.

We can’t even talk about this within our own family because everyone is so ashamed of it. We don’t talk about it with friends because it’s absolutely nuts that a relative does this to us, and I come to a stupid anonymous forum because the crazy person in my life is making me crazy, and I get criticized as attention seeking.

It is no surprise that we have been dealing with this in silence for a decade and that there is such limited support and understanding for families with mental illness given these kinds of comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many you give your family member material to work with. Here is a sample of what you have written so far:

- “hire a baby sitter to open unknown packages.”
- “short of the witness protection program” - <short of> “ name changes to stop the harassment. “

You have to agree that you appear dramatic. Your airing this business on a public forum also points to attention seeking behavior and a need for validation from strangers. The reason something “hurts you” is because her “specificity” may sound like the truth.

We can’t even talk about this within our own family because everyone is so ashamed of it. We don’t talk about it with friends because it’s absolutely nuts that a relative does this to us, and I come to a stupid anonymous forum because the crazy person in my life is making me crazy, and I get criticized as attention seeking.

It is no surprise that we have been dealing with this in silence for a decade and that there is such limited support and understanding for families with mental illness given these kinds of comments.

Big mistake. My mother has sometimes done such things, and then gaslit us and pretended she never did. The ONLY way to deal with this is to make it all come out in the open. Secrecy is what keeps you trapped in this loop. Your family needs to air stuff out. When you tell them, stick to facts, so you don't appear crazy yourself (no witness protection program or any such hyperbole). If your sick relative becomes violent against her parents, that will finally be a reason to call police and into involuntary psychiatric hold, where she can receive medication.

It's really sad that shame and guilt have imprisoned all of you. My childhood friend in the UK has a schizophrenic sister - her parents told mine in real time what was happening, because they were going crazy and needed support. They never hid their child's diagnosis from anyone, and as a result, they received a lot of support and help.

You and your relatives appear to have a medieval view of mental health. It's not doing you any favors, and YOU might have to be the person to break that silence.

[Anonymous]

You should get counseling yourself as a way to educate yourself and learn modes of moderating and coping. It’s the AA model (parents and loved ones also attend meetings whenever they want). If you don’t know how to react and behave after all of these years… then you need to learn and hit the books

[Anonymous]

“criticized as attention seeking.”

Is pretty mild. Do you consider yourself sensitive or sensitive to criticism? You can not open a package?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many you give your family member material to work with. Here is a sample of what you have written so far:

- “hire a baby sitter to open unknown packages.”
- “short of the witness protection program” - <short of> “ name changes to stop the harassment. “

You have to agree that you appear dramatic. Your airing this business on a public forum also points to attention seeking behavior and a need for validation from strangers. The reason something “hurts you” is because her “specificity” may sound like the truth.

We can’t even talk about this within our own family because everyone is so ashamed of it. We don’t talk about it with friends because it’s absolutely nuts that a relative does this to us, and I come to a stupid anonymous forum because the crazy person in my life is making me crazy, and I get criticized as attention seeking.

It is no surprise that we have been dealing with this in silence for a decade and that there is such limited support and understanding for families with mental illness given these kinds of comments.

Big mistake. My mother has sometimes done such things, and then gaslit us and pretended she never did. The ONLY way to deal with this is to make it all come out in the open. Secrecy is what keeps you trapped in this loop. Your family needs to air stuff out. When you tell them, stick to facts, so you don't appear crazy yourself (no witness protection program or any such hyperbole). If your sick relative becomes violent against her parents, that will finally be a reason to call police and into involuntary psychiatric hold, where she can receive medication.

It's really sad that shame and guilt have imprisoned all of you. My childhood friend in the UK has a schizophrenic sister - her parents told mine in real time what was happening, because they were going crazy and needed support. They never hid their child's diagnosis from anyone, and as a result, they received a lot of support and help.

You and your relatives appear to have a medieval view of mental health. It's not doing you any favors, and YOU might have to be the person to break that silence.

+1

[Anonymous]

In my experience, people who over react to receiving criticism have unexplored issues.

Good therapists poke at a statement, prod and force you to look at another perspective. They ask you to examine your own actions. The patient doesn’t not lash out (like one would, say in an anonymous forum) because they are paying for this redirection and introspection

These therapists have long waiting lists.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have a mentally ill sibling who does something similar (minus the packages). Emails, letters, texts, phone calls - all filled with the most horrible things imaginable. However, we haven't had to go to the lengths you describe to block him out. We are split into two factions in the family - those who just don't read or look at anything, and those who do and take it personally.

I am in the former faction - I'll read the first few words of whatever it is, and if it's not informative and is clearly nutty, I just delete. I have not the slightest amount of curiosity as to what else is in there. I don't pick up the phone if he's in one of "those" moods, and I just ignore the texts. None of this bothers me at all, because I attribute all his words to his mental illness, and it just doesn't feel personal at all. He doesn't have the ability to bother me. On the other hand, there are a few people in the family who actually read his stuff and talk to him, and then get upset about it. I don't understand why they can't just ignore and see it's not about them at all, but for some reason they can't.

I'm also not sure why your family can't just ignore it all, not even reading or opening packages. Why not just send it all straight to trash and forget about it? I mean, you know it's awful, why would you even read or listen to the rest after realizing it's her calling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many you give your family member material to work with. Here is a sample of what you have written so far:

- “hire a baby sitter to open unknown packages.”
- “short of the witness protection program” - <short of> “ name changes to stop the harassment. “

You have to agree that you appear dramatic. Your airing this business on a public forum also points to attention seeking behavior and a need for validation from strangers. The reason something “hurts you” is because her “specificity” may sound like the truth.

We can’t even talk about this within our own family because everyone is so ashamed of it. We don’t talk about it with friends because it’s absolutely nuts that a relative does this to us, and I come to a stupid anonymous forum because the crazy person in my life is making me crazy, and I get criticized as attention seeking.

It is no surprise that we have been dealing with this in silence for a decade and that there is such limited support and understanding for families with mental illness given these kinds of comments.

I am the PP above who said I have a mentally ill brother and I ignore his messages. It's sounding a little like the approach in your family is for people to not only read and listen to these things, but to talk about them?? For example, are you implying that even if you ignored them, someone else in the family would pay attention to what was said and want to dissect it with you? If that's what's going on, I would suggest being the first person in the family to step up and refuse to even acknowledge the awfulness. Don't let anyone even talk about it with you. I would refuse to have any discussion at all that centered on something the mentally ill person said about me.

[Anonymous]

Some of the responses here sound like they’re from the mentally ill relative.

I’m one of the PPs who also has a relative with aggressive behaviors. In my case, my relative tries to come across as a reasonable and friendly person to others, but over time, people have seen how she behaves and have realized that something is not right.

But I could totally see her coming on a site like this and making comments like some in this thread that make it sound as though it’s the OP who is in the wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Paranoid?