HS Son--no friends

[Anonymous]

Leave him alone. You can’t force him to be social in high school. If he seems content and not depressed there is no need to intervene. I’m a big time introvert and my extrovert mother still doesn’t understand this. I am perfectly happy in my life and see people at work. I’ve posted this before, but even at work I choose to eat alone because I NEED that time to decompress. The idea of getting y together with anyone socially outside of work sounds exhausting.

One of my kids is like this, although he likes to game. My husband frequently mentions how he doesn’t have friends. He’s past the age where they play outside in the neighborhood. The difference is that my son does talk to his gaming friends online but rarely wants to see anyone socially in person.

He will be fine too. He will see people at work and go out socially if he wants, which won’t be often.

[Anonymous]

^adding, and your son is involved in an EC with people so I would not be concerned at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let him be. This is his issue to solve or not as he chooses. By HS they are old enough to make changes they want to make.

No she doesn’t need to let him be. Not if he’s unhappy with no friends. I understand how tough that is for a mother. My son had difficulties starting in 8th grade. To make it worse his sister was one of the most popular girls at school.

My son was agreeable to my involvement. He had cousins he was close with and they had great times through middle school when they all went in different directions. In high school I signed him up for activities so he wouldn’t be so isolated. 9th grade was the worst because we moved and he found it difficult to fit in. My husband and I brought him to the movies with us, to plays and then out to eat. He went to games and performances of family members. Not ideal but anything to keep him from being isolated and dwelling on it.

At 16 he started to have long term girl friends and that helped. But I never just let him be. I did not want him to find the dark web or whatever kids due when they are isolated.

np Yes, but, it is very difficult to have the mom help out socially. Kids aren't as kind. If son is motivated he will find a way. The only thing she can do is encourage..have him develop interests like playing pickleball for example

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. The ship had already sailed. You should have made him learn a useful skill in ES and MS so that by the time he gets to HS, other kids will gravitate to him. He then has a choice to decide who he wants to be friends and hang out with. It is always good to have "options".

[Anonymous]

OP, my HS son doesn't have friends either. He has friendly acquaintances to eat lunch with, that is about it. He never gets together with friends on a weekend. He is involved in a school sport, and has no problems with teammates, but no close friends either.

I don't have any great solution to offer, other than to keep trying ECs and hope that something sticks. It stinks - I was relatively unpopular in high school, but had a group of 3-4 other unpopular girls whose friendship helped me get through it. I cannot imagine what it is like for my son not to have something similar.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him how he feels about the situation? If he’s okay with it, it’s probably fine to let him be while suggesting that he may have more fun if he engages with peers. If he expresses some interest in wanting to increase socializing then ask if he wants some suggestions. By high school, the kids really have to do this themselves with your support behind the scenes if they want that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am torn because I think he liked having friends but doesn't know how to make new ones so he just doesn't do the work and kids lose interest . But how does one help? It isn't like I can set up play dates. I just want him to have social plans. Or someone to hang with in the time between classes at school. He's into performing arts but not theater. He likes seeing plays; movies etc

OP, I could have written these posts myself (except I don't know what "EC" is). My 9th-grader doesn't have a single friend in HS, although he had a group of close friends pre-Covid. Then a couple moved away and the others sort of drifted their own way in HS, plus he was in completely different classes and never saw them. He eats alone every single day and from what I understand does not speak to another human all day. And no one speaks to him. He is terribly lonely, depressed, and suffers from social anxiety. He wants friends but just can't bring himself to say anything to anyone. We made him join some clubs, hoping that would help, but he just sits there alone too. I don't have any idea what to do for him.

Sadly, our HS is huge, and he had some athletic interests but most of the teams are filled with elite athletes, and he is good, but probably not quite good enough, and even a lot of the clubs are competitive. In one case, the process of trying out was so overwhelming - loud, chaotic, and competitive just to get to the front of the line to perform a skill - that he was paralyzed by anxiety over the environment and couldn't even complete the try-out.

He has a few friends that don't go to his high school, and I try to make plans with them on weekends, but as they find their own activities with their own HS friends it becomes more and more difficult. I am at a total loss.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation. DS has a lot of acquaintances, he is never alone at lunch time. Everyone I've run into at his school say nothing but nice things about him. But come weekends or term breaks, he is by himself. He doesn't seem to mind but it worries me. His birthday is coming up and I am encouraging him to invite at least a couple of kids to no avail. He is great with adults, very mature for his age.

[Anonymous]

Make him choose a sport or a club or a job or a volunteer gig or an online activity with a team.

Let him do what he likes, with like minded people.

[Anonymous]

My 14yo does have friends but rarely hangs out with friends. He does play sports. He never seems to hang out with them outside of practice. During games and matches, teammates will high five him and cheer. I believe he does have a group he sits with at lunch.

I would encourage your child to join and try out new clubs at school. I encouraged my son to join as many clubs as possible even though he would probably rather just come home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am torn because I think he liked having friends but doesn't know how to make new ones so he just doesn't do the work and kids lose interest . But how does one help? It isn't like I can set up play dates. I just want him to have social plans. Or someone to hang with in the time between classes at school. He's into performing arts but not theater. He likes seeing plays; movies etc

He likes seeing plays but is not into theater? I’m confused.

Film club. Journalism and ask to review all the school plays and community plays. Interview the cast/crew. Join the set design crew.

[Anonymous]

From the replies it is clear that most people have no idea what social anxiety is.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest doing cross country and track. It tends to be a very welcoming environment. Workouts will be very intense. But socially it's very low key and cool. Regardless of anything, after two months you'll be very fit. During covid, it was the first thing that opened up since it was outdoors. And there were a gazillion kids who were starved for human interaction. So it became immensely popular. I think that vibe has carried over. The meets are important of course. But the social vibe is real. And it's a very convenient sport. Meets right after school. All you need to do is run. And you get better very quickly when you're a teenager. It was a godsend for my son during the covid time. Went from dork to stud. Still competes in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am torn because I think he liked having friends but doesn't know how to make new ones so he just doesn't do the work and kids lose interest . But how does one help? It isn't like I can set up play dates. I just want him to have social plans. Or someone to hang with in the time between classes at school. He's into performing arts but not theater. He likes seeing plays; movies etc

OP, I could have written these posts myself (except I don't know what "EC" is). My 9th-grader doesn't have a single friend in HS, although he had a group of close friends pre-Covid. Then a couple moved away and the others sort of drifted their own way in HS, plus he was in completely different classes and never saw them. He eats alone every single day and from what I understand does not speak to another human all day. And no one speaks to him. He is terribly lonely, depressed, and suffers from social anxiety. He wants friends but just can't bring himself to say anything to anyone. We made him join some clubs, hoping that would help, but he just sits there alone too. I don't have any idea what to do for him.

Sadly, our HS is huge, and he had some athletic interests but most of the teams are filled with elite athletes, and he is good, but probably not quite good enough, and even a lot of the clubs are competitive. In one case, the process of trying out was so overwhelming - loud, chaotic, and competitive just to get to the front of the line to perform a skill - that he was paralyzed by anxiety over the environment and couldn't even complete the try-out.

He has a few friends that don't go to his high school, and I try to make plans with them on weekends, but as they find their own activities with their own HS friends it becomes more and more difficult. I am at a total loss.

Honestly anxiety meds would probably go a long long way here.

It’s not normal to be paralyzed by anxiety to talk to people and you can’t really talk someone out of that. Most kids once medicated to reduce the anxiety are able to get therapy and social skills training to start working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest doing cross country and track. It tends to be a very welcoming environment. Workouts will be very intense. But socially it's very low key and cool. Regardless of anything, after two months you'll be very fit. During covid, it was the first thing that opened up since it was outdoors. And there were a gazillion kids who were starved for human interaction. So it became immensely popular. I think that vibe has carried over. The meets are important of course. But the social vibe is real. And it's a very convenient sport. Meets right after school. All you need to do is run. And you get better very quickly when you're a teenager. It was a godsend for my son during the covid time. Went from dork to stud. Still competes in college.

Or crew. Kids who start crew generally have no prior experience so it’s a low barrier to entry. The kids are on the quirky side so almost everyone fits in. They travel in a pack.