friendships and ADHD kids

[Anonymous]

I think this is more of a boy issue than an adhd issue, at least in ES and MS.

I look around ds’s school (which is gifted grades 2-12, and granted because of the gifted piece has a lot more quirky nerdy kids) and boys with true friends are the minority. Most of the boys have a couple kids they gravitate to, but the friendships aren’t deep like girl friendships - they just talk about Minecraft and school and whatever is immediately happening around them. If their schedules change next year, the boys they gravitate to are also likely to change just by virtue of proximity. At least that’s what I’ve seen. Sure, there are a couple boys in each class who are true thick friends, but not the norm.

This tracks with my childhood where I remember the boys in my class werent socializing with each other on the weekends in MS. They might hang with family or cousins or friends of family kids or neighbors or whomever was around. And it was until 7th or 8th grade that when the girls (we) started inviting boys to hang out with us on the weekends that the boys started regularly socializing with each other. And when I think back to MS, there are probably lots of boys I can think of who probably never hung out with another kid from school.

I think things got different in HS.

[Anonymous]

I'm here to say that it may get better. My current ADHD 8th grader struggled throughout elementary school to form friendships. It didn't help that covid hit in 4th grade, so 4th-6th grade were wonky with virtual school, masks, etc.

He's in 8th grade and has a really good set of friends, most of whom went to elementary school with him. A couple of factors: maturity, getting to see friends throughout the day (vs elementary where you only see the kids in your class), and just being better about social cues.

However, I think the two biggest things have been:

1) getting involved in theater. Theater kids, for the most part, are quirky, accepting, kind, hard working, etc., and this has done him a world of good, along with just given him a set group of people he hangs out with at rehearsals (as well as all the benefits of learning to be on stage).

2) getting a phone. This let him communicate with new friends more easily, let him set up his own social activities, let him and his friends have a place to joke around outside of school, etc. It's just really helped him. These days, if he isn't hanging out with a friend after school or going to rehearsal, he's talking to friends on the phone--like actual talking. I never would have imagined it.

So, all this to say, it can get better. But, I know it's the suck when you see your kid struggling socially. It hurts your heart so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to get them together with other neurodiverse kids. Also, help them build and maintain friendships with cousins, friends' kids, etc. It's hard, but make sure to be your kid's biggest supporter. Help them look nice (it's important) and neat, laugh at their jokes, and let them do the things considered cool with their peers.

I have ADHD, and remember my mom telling me that I don't even have any friends. It stung. I was 13, and it was at the time I was being terribly bullied at school. I have since made and kept friends for decades, but I admit, it took a to of work and a lot of nice people to get where I am.

I think this is the ticket. Our 4th grade adhd combined and anxious kid (maybe borderline ASD with rigid tendencies) feels a connection with kids that are anxious and hangs with them. He tells me they are supportive of each other at school when something happens and the other kid is upset at recess or in class. This year he started asking to hang out with this other kid that has similar traits (they both talk about their interests nonstop, quiz each other, doesn’t read the room, interrupt and talk off topic constantly, etc.). Maybe the tolerance is higher with other neuro diverse kids, bc they see similarities with each other. And it’s actually good bc instead of parents having to jump in, sometimes one gets overly excitable and they will tell each other to stop. So that’s great. Hugs to all- it’s hopeful to hear it gets better. Here is to all of our kids finding their people.

[Anonymous]

Intrigued by theater... Also have a third grade boy and worry about friendships. He does alright with girls but boys less so. Alas his ND friend and he are now too much alike (?) And at odds. It's hard to watch. My nephew shed his anxiety and blossomed in 3rd so hoping for the same.

[Anonymous]

Our third grader had no friends last year in second grade. We medicated him for the first time this year and he’s been invited to 4 birthday parties since school started. He is also a talented athlete so that makes easier to bond with boys. He says he has different friends from different settings, which I think is healthy. He has no “best” friend and I don’t think he ever well but that’s OK. Medication was the game changer I think. He connects with younger kids on the bus who live in our neighborhood, which I find unsurprising. They look up to him and think he’s cool, and he is about on the same maturity level as the first graders.

[Anonymous]

I've been consistently worried about my now 5th grade 10-year-old DS. He's been in some social situations, summer camps and busses, where he has been bullied or not made friends. He's also had periods at school where he was alone at recess or didn't like anyone in his main classroom.

He has a BFF who is a head taller and 10 months older - and is very social and well-liked; BFF is an intelligent kid who also loves all the sports. My kid abhors team sports and the kids who seem to discuss nothing but them. These boys have been friends since they were four and they have enough overlapping interests (Minecraft, Pokemon, etc.) that they've stayed tight. I think having that one good friend has given my kid confidence.

In 5th, he seems to have found his groove. He's made friends with a bunch of boys, and many of them have or seem to have their own social issues. And they all seem like nice kids. It's a fairly big school (six classes per grade), and these kids have fortunately found each other. He gets invited to birthdays and occasional playdates (though part of that is my fault as i just don't have the energy to be hosting often - there are 10 boys who I could reach out to for a playdate tomorrow).

Honestly, I think the successes my son has socially are largely due to his being an extrovert. He'll try to make friends with everyone. Some kids definitely find him weird. But he keeps trying. And he's now found a nice group of kids to hang with. We've encouraged him to embrace his weird, while also coaching him about some of his habits that others could find off-putting.

Fingers crossed that the good stuff lasts. We haven't medicated yet. He has ADHD-inattentive and while he clearly frequently misses some lessons in school, he's only rarely been disruptive. He's bright, and that is definitely masking some of his learning challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been consistently worried about my now 5th grade 10-year-old DS. He's been in some social situations, summer camps and busses, where he has been bullied or not made friends. He's also had periods at school where he was alone at recess or didn't like anyone in his main classroom.

He has a BFF who is a head taller and 10 months older - and is very social and well-liked; BFF is an intelligent kid who also loves all the sports. My kid abhors team sports and the kids who seem to discuss nothing but them. These boys have been friends since they were four and they have enough overlapping interests (Minecraft, Pokemon, etc.) that they've stayed tight. I think having that one good friend has given my kid confidence.

In 5th, he seems to have found his groove. He's made friends with a bunch of boys, and many of them have or seem to have their own social issues. And they all seem like nice kids. It's a fairly big school (six classes per grade), and these kids have fortunately found each other. He gets invited to birthdays and occasional playdates (though part of that is my fault as i just don't have the energy to be hosting often - there are 10 boys who I could reach out to for a playdate tomorrow).

Honestly, I think the successes my son has socially are largely due to his being an extrovert. He'll try to make friends with everyone. Some kids definitely find him weird. But he keeps trying. And he's now found a nice group of kids to hang with. We've encouraged him to embrace his weird, while also coaching him about some of his habits that others could find off-putting.

Fingers crossed that the good stuff lasts. We haven't medicated yet. He has ADHD-inattentive and while he clearly frequently misses some lessons in school, he's only rarely been disruptive. He's bright, and that is definitely masking some of his learning challenges.

He’s 10 in 5th grade? That’s seems very young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been consistently worried about my now 5th grade 10-year-old DS. He's been in some social situations, summer camps and busses, where he has been bullied or not made friends. He's also had periods at school where he was alone at recess or didn't like anyone in his main classroom.

He has a BFF who is a head taller and 10 months older - and is very social and well-liked; BFF is an intelligent kid who also loves all the sports. My kid abhors team sports and the kids who seem to discuss nothing but them. These boys have been friends since they were four and they have enough overlapping interests (Minecraft, Pokemon, etc.) that they've stayed tight. I think having that one good friend has given my kid confidence.

In 5th, he seems to have found his groove. He's made friends with a bunch of boys, and many of them have or seem to have their own social issues. And they all seem like nice kids. It's a fairly big school (six classes per grade), and these kids have fortunately found each other. He gets invited to birthdays and occasional playdates (though part of that is my fault as i just don't have the energy to be hosting often - there are 10 boys who I could reach out to for a playdate tomorrow).

Honestly, I think the successes my son has socially are largely due to his being an extrovert. He'll try to make friends with everyone. Some kids definitely find him weird. But he keeps trying. And he's now found a nice group of kids to hang with. We've encouraged him to embrace his weird, while also coaching him about some of his habits that others could find off-putting.

Fingers crossed that the good stuff lasts. We haven't medicated yet. He has ADHD-inattentive and while he clearly frequently misses some lessons in school, he's only rarely been disruptive. He's bright, and that is definitely masking some of his learning challenges.

He’s 10 in 5th grade? That’s seems very young.

Most fifth graders are 10 turning 11.

[Anonymous]

It never got better for my current 10th grader. Lots of acquaintances and no friends. Into sports and nice, friendly good looking kid. He just can't keep any friendships. Breaks my heart every day. We tried social skills group but it was not at all helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It never got better for my current 10th grader. Lots of acquaintances and no friends. Into sports and nice, friendly good looking kid. He just can't keep any friendships. Breaks my heart every day. We tried social skills group but it was not at all helpful.

Do you think this will also translate to not be able to sustain a romantic relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been consistently worried about my now 5th grade 10-year-old DS. He's been in some social situations, summer camps and busses, where he has been bullied or not made friends. He's also had periods at school where he was alone at recess or didn't like anyone in his main classroom.

He has a BFF who is a head taller and 10 months older - and is very social and well-liked; BFF is an intelligent kid who also loves all the sports. My kid abhors team sports and the kids who seem to discuss nothing but them. These boys have been friends since they were four and they have enough overlapping interests (Minecraft, Pokemon, etc.) that they've stayed tight. I think having that one good friend has given my kid confidence.

In 5th, he seems to have found his groove. He's made friends with a bunch of boys, and many of them have or seem to have their own social issues. And they all seem like nice kids. It's a fairly big school (six classes per grade), and these kids have fortunately found each other. He gets invited to birthdays and occasional playdates (though part of that is my fault as i just don't have the energy to be hosting often - there are 10 boys who I could reach out to for a playdate tomorrow).

Honestly, I think the successes my son has socially are largely due to his being an extrovert. He'll try to make friends with everyone. Some kids definitely find him weird. But he keeps trying. And he's now found a nice group of kids to hang with. We've encouraged him to embrace his weird, while also coaching him about some of his habits that others could find off-putting.

Fingers crossed that the good stuff lasts. We haven't medicated yet. He has ADHD-inattentive and while he clearly frequently misses some lessons in school, he's only rarely been disruptive. He's bright, and that is definitely masking some of his learning challenges.

He’s 10 in 5th grade? That’s seems very young.

Most fifth graders are 10 turning 11.

Third grader just turned 9 and most of his classmates are as well. That means they will all be turning 10 in fourth grade and they will be turning 11 at the beginning of fifth grade.

[Anonymous]

It never got better for my current 10th grader. Lots of acquaintances and no friends. Into sports and nice, friendly good looking kid. He just can't keep any friendships. Breaks my heart every day. We tried social skills group but it was not at all helpful.

My 9th grade son is the same. We are going to try a PEERS program this summer to see if it helps. He does not have time for it during the school year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been consistently worried about my now 5th grade 10-year-old DS. He's been in some social situations, summer camps and busses, where he has been bullied or not made friends. He's also had periods at school where he was alone at recess or didn't like anyone in his main classroom.

He has a BFF who is a head taller and 10 months older - and is very social and well-liked; BFF is an intelligent kid who also loves all the sports. My kid abhors team sports and the kids who seem to discuss nothing but them. These boys have been friends since they were four and they have enough overlapping interests (Minecraft, Pokemon, etc.) that they've stayed tight. I think having that one good friend has given my kid confidence.

In 5th, he seems to have found his groove. He's made friends with a bunch of boys, and many of them have or seem to have their own social issues. And they all seem like nice kids. It's a fairly big school (six classes per grade), and these kids have fortunately found each other. He gets invited to birthdays and occasional playdates (though part of that is my fault as i just don't have the energy to be hosting often - there are 10 boys who I could reach out to for a playdate tomorrow).

Honestly, I think the successes my son has socially are largely due to his being an extrovert. He'll try to make friends with everyone. Some kids definitely find him weird. But he keeps trying. And he's now found a nice group of kids to hang with. We've encouraged him to embrace his weird, while also coaching him about some of his habits that others could find off-putting.

Fingers crossed that the good stuff lasts. We haven't medicated yet. He has ADHD-inattentive and while he clearly frequently misses some lessons in school, he's only rarely been disruptive. He's bright, and that is definitely masking some of his learning challenges.

He’s 10 in 5th grade? That’s seems very young.

Most fifth graders are 10 turning 11.

Third grader just turned 9 and most of his classmates are as well. That means they will all be turning 10 in fourth grade and they will be turning 11 at the beginning of fifth grade.

It depends if the school groups by Jan birthdays (most publics) or sept birthdays (most privates)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been consistently worried about my now 5th grade 10-year-old DS. He's been in some social situations, summer camps and busses, where he has been bullied or not made friends. He's also had periods at school where he was alone at recess or didn't like anyone in his main classroom.

He has a BFF who is a head taller and 10 months older - and is very social and well-liked; BFF is an intelligent kid who also loves all the sports. My kid abhors team sports and the kids who seem to discuss nothing but them. These boys have been friends since they were four and they have enough overlapping interests (Minecraft, Pokemon, etc.) that they've stayed tight. I think having that one good friend has given my kid confidence.

In 5th, he seems to have found his groove. He's made friends with a bunch of boys, and many of them have or seem to have their own social issues. And they all seem like nice kids. It's a fairly big school (six classes per grade), and these kids have fortunately found each other. He gets invited to birthdays and occasional playdates (though part of that is my fault as i just don't have the energy to be hosting often - there are 10 boys who I could reach out to for a playdate tomorrow).

Honestly, I think the successes my son has socially are largely due to his being an extrovert. He'll try to make friends with everyone. Some kids definitely find him weird. But he keeps trying. And he's now found a nice group of kids to hang with. We've encouraged him to embrace his weird, while also coaching him about some of his habits that others could find off-putting.

Fingers crossed that the good stuff lasts. We haven't medicated yet. He has ADHD-inattentive and while he clearly frequently misses some lessons in school, he's only rarely been disruptive. He's bright, and that is definitely masking some of his learning challenges.

He’s 10 in 5th grade? That’s seems very young.

Most fifth graders are 10 turning 11.

Third grader just turned 9 and most of his classmates are as well. That means they will all be turning 10 in fourth grade and they will be turning 11 at the beginning of fifth grade.

It depends if the school groups by Jan birthdays (most publics) or sept birthdays (most privates)

Nope. Most are September.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wanted to mention that in 6th, 7th and 8th grade my DD's friend group changed a lot, which I think is typical in middle school. But there were some new faces that I distinctly remember had struggled when they were younger and have ADHD. I think it gets better when they're older and can regulate a bit more, or pick up on social cues more.

+1

My kid struggled a lot in 5th and 6th. He was really immature and annoying - his medication had worn off in the afternoons/evenings. Many of his long-time friendships fizzled out. In 7th and 8th, he matured a lot and started picking up on social cues and has been building up a new group of friends. He still struggles a bit but it's getting better.

Our DS is in 7th now and were starting to see this alot more. It's actually astonishing how much better he is at all of it--like you said, not perfect but just crazy the difference between 6th and 7th!