SIL just had a baby and my sister is due in the fall

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the hardest thing, OP, I understand. Like others said, you just have to get through it and protect your heart. If you have a close enough relationship, I urge you to tell your sister and SIL how you're feeling. That you love them and are excited for them, but it's just too painful and could they please try not to talk about it around you. Not because you don't care, but because it's what you need to protect yourself right now.

OP, if you do this you should also see a therapist. You cannot avoid family forever, and if avoiding celebrating the joy of your loved ones becomes routine, over time you will alienate people. Use avoidance as a stop gap measure only until you can get some help with managing the complex emotions infertility brings. It is important to find a way to grieve and cope that doesn’t make someone else’s blessing all about you and what you are missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the hardest thing, OP, I understand. Like others said, you just have to get through it and protect your heart. If you have a close enough relationship, I urge you to tell your sister and SIL how you're feeling. That you love them and are excited for them, but it's just too painful and could they please try not to talk about it around you. Not because you don't care, but because it's what you need to protect yourself right now.

OP, if you do this you should also see a therapist. You cannot avoid family forever, and if avoiding celebrating the joy of your loved ones becomes routine, over time you will alienate people. Use avoidance as a stop gap measure only until you can get some help with managing the complex emotions infertility brings. It is important to find a way to grieve and cope that doesn’t make someone else’s blessing all about you and what you are missing.

She’s in the middle of it right now. The right time to cope and find joy in others is about a year after she finishes treatment herself. Give her a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the hardest thing, OP, I understand. Like others said, you just have to get through it and protect your heart. If you have a close enough relationship, I urge you to tell your sister and SIL how you're feeling. That you love them and are excited for them, but it's just too painful and could they please try not to talk about it around you. Not because you don't care, but because it's what you need to protect yourself right now.

OP, if you do this you should also see a therapist. You cannot avoid family forever, and if avoiding celebrating the joy of your loved ones becomes routine, over time you will alienate people. Use avoidance as a stop gap measure only until you can get some help with managing the complex emotions infertility brings. It is important to find a way to grieve and cope that doesn’t make someone else’s blessing all about you and what you are missing.

She’s in the middle of it right now. The right time to cope and find joy in others is about a year after she finishes treatment herself. Give her a break.

I’m speaking as someone who has been on this road for five years. I’m not shooting from the hip with my advice. The idea that I would put on hold trying to experience joy for others until my treatment is over is ludicrous and a recipe for disaster. Five years and counting, and I’d be sitting in my house alone with my DH (as if years of avoidance are going to make me feel less depressed) How is that solving any problems? I’ve also been around others dealing with infertility (all of whom have subsequently had success)…I’ve seen friends avoid for a little bit, and then some who avoided so much, but then expected everyone to be jumping for joy the minute they had success…well, some people don’t have the bandwidth to switch gears like that. My bigger point is that avoidance is only a temporary band-aid. Establishing a good relationship with a therapist is helpful for many, many women. It allows a safe space for processing without having to take into account everyone else’s feelings (we all have feelings, we all get hurt, we are all entitled to feel that way, and fertile or infertile). For many women, just having that safe space allows them to participate in events that they previously avoided. Thanks to therapy, I have been able to become a doting aunt and godmother. It is not the same as being a mother, but I still get the gift of loving a child.

Maybe you’ve been blessed that there’s an end to your treatment with the outcome you want. Not all of us get that but have had to learn to actually live in this reality or else we’d watch many years pass us by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the hardest thing, OP, I understand. Like others said, you just have to get through it and protect your heart. If you have a close enough relationship, I urge you to tell your sister and SIL how you're feeling. That you love them and are excited for them, but it's just too painful and could they please try not to talk about it around you. Not because you don't care, but because it's what you need to protect yourself right now.

OP, if you do this you should also see a therapist. You cannot avoid family forever, and if avoiding celebrating the joy of your loved ones becomes routine, over time you will alienate people. Use avoidance as a stop gap measure only until you can get some help with managing the complex emotions infertility brings. It is important to find a way to grieve and cope that doesn’t make someone else’s blessing all about you and what you are missing.

She’s in the middle of it right now. The right time to cope and find joy in others is about a year after she finishes treatment herself. Give her a break.

I’m speaking as someone who has been on this road for five years. I’m not shooting from the hip with my advice. The idea that I would put on hold trying to experience joy for others until my treatment is over is ludicrous and a recipe for disaster. Five years and counting, and I’d be sitting in my house alone with my DH (as if years of avoidance are going to make me feel less depressed) How is that solving any problems? I’ve also been around others dealing with infertility (all of whom have subsequently had success)…I’ve seen friends avoid for a little bit, and then some who avoided so much, but then expected everyone to be jumping for joy the minute they had success…well, some people don’t have the bandwidth to switch gears like that. My bigger point is that avoidance is only a temporary band-aid. Establishing a good relationship with a therapist is helpful for many, many women. It allows a safe space for processing without having to take into account everyone else’s feelings (we all have feelings, we all get hurt, we are all entitled to feel that way, and fertile or infertile). For many women, just having that safe space allows them to participate in events that they previously avoided. Thanks to therapy, I have been able to become a doting aunt and godmother. It is not the same as being a mother, but I still get the gift of loving a child.

Maybe you’ve been blessed that there’s an end to your treatment with the outcome you want. Not all of us get that but have had to learn to actually live in this reality or else we’d watch many years pass us by.

PP here. Look, I get it. I also spent around 5 years doing IVF, IUIs, and having more miscarriages than you can count on one hand. Now my DH has a vasectomy and that chapter is behind us. It is hard to live with infertility and equally hard to move on from it. I absolutely agree that a good therapist and good meds are essential, but sometimes self care means protecting your heart when it’s just too hard to be there for other people. I got four new nephews in the time we were trying, and nobody gave it a second thought (at least nobody let me know they did) when I told them gently that I wasn’t the right person to kvetch with about pregnancy and baby things. Doesn’t mean you have to isolate yourself for years on end, but it means that you don’t have to feel bad, guilty, or less than for recognizing your own limits and putting your needs first. Whatever that balance looks like for you, me, and OP.

[Anonymous]

Oof, this is a mean thread. I’m sorry OP. I clicked here to say that I was in your shoes (except it was 2 sisters and a SIL) and man it sucked. I didn’t know when I clicked that there would be so many nasty posts. One thing I found challenging was that my family is/was amazing about supporting “good things” like weddings and babies, but was not very good at supporting “bad things” like infertility. So I saw my family members who were having babies get so much support but I really really needed support but didn’t get it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I went to my BFFs shower while actively miscarrying. It was brutal. Skip what you need to, take care of yourself. Anyone who doesn't understand can suck it.

I lost the baby and a solid bid on a house the same day. I planned myself a kick ass vacation instead. (It helped redirect my energy, but in reality on the whole trip I was resentful of the fact that it wasn't a babymoon type trip, and got mad when alcohol was offered. Grief is weird)

[Anonymous]

It's 100% age. Don't worry it'll probably happen to them too in the next round

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's 100% age. Don't worry it'll probably happen to them too in the next round

2 ectopics in a row isn't due to age.

I'm so sorry, OP. I've been there. In the end, IVF worked for me. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's 100% age. Don't worry it'll probably happen to them too in the next round

That’s nasty…so, you are miserable and instead of hoping your own situation improves, your attitude is it’s okay because (fingers crossed!), things will go wrong for them, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is ok to skip baby showers given your situation. Send a note with a gift.

I bet you will eventually have a child, either thru IVF or adoption. Hang in there.

My SIL skipped my baby shower shortly after her second miscarriage and OF COURSE I understood. I was half inclined to cancel it entirely. Skip that type of stuff for sure. Anyone who does not understand, well, that is their problem.