Dead Parent's Birthdays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I expect him to remember the death anniversary not the birthday. He doesn't acknowledge the anniversary which was in the past few years and it upsets me.

I totally disagree. It’s one thing for you to say oh the anniversary is coming up and he acknowledges that for you, but to expect him to remember the date on his own is pretty unrealistic. (I have a dead mother).

[Anonymous]

yes I do think they should remember and honor your parent's birthday. My FIL passed away over 10 years ago. On his birthday we usually have a meal he liked for dinner and also have one of his favorite sweets for dessert. We use the food as a catalyst to talk about him and tell stories to our kids. It is a way to keep his memory alive. My dad passed away this year and we plan to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would only notice this and be upset if something else is already wrong. If your spouse were otherwise perfect, you'd give them grace.

I mean that kindly. So figure out what is the real problem and focus on that. I am great with dates, but sometimes on the date I just don't think about the event, even though I remembered it in the days leading up to it.

This!!

Also, everyone grieves in different ways. This is your grief to acknowledge, don’t place expectations on him of what you would do. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes I do think they should remember and honor your parent's birthday. My FIL passed away over 10 years ago. On his birthday we usually have a meal he liked for dinner and also have one of his favorite sweets for dessert. We use the food as a catalyst to talk about him and tell stories to our kids. It is a way to keep his memory alive. My dad passed away this year and we plan to do the same.

OK, but not everyone grieves the same way. If you come to an agreement on something like this and he forgets, I can see being upset. But to have a silent, passive aggressive expectation for your spouse to remember your deceased parents birthday when they probably didn’t know their birthday offhand when alive is completely irrational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes I do think they should remember and honor your parent's birthday. My FIL passed away over 10 years ago. On his birthday we usually have a meal he liked for dinner and also have one of his favorite sweets for dessert. We use the food as a catalyst to talk about him and tell stories to our kids. It is a way to keep his memory alive. My dad passed away this year and we plan to do the same.

OK, but not everyone grieves the same way. If you come to an agreement on something like this and he forgets, I can see being upset. But to have a silent, passive aggressive expectation for your spouse to remember your deceased parents birthday when they probably didn’t know their birthday offhand when alive is completely irrational.

It's sad, but it seems the OP is casting about for reasons to be "hurt" by her spouse, which is unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

No. I think that's asking a lot.

If you are wanting support and comfort on that date, I think it's best to be direct and let them know.

[Anonymous]

No.

I wouldn't expect it, and I don't need it. I might comment on the day, but it would just kind of be an observation - it wouldn't be an expression of deep grief of anything.

I'm a little more tender about the anniversary of my mother's death (which was less than two years ago) so if I commented on that I'd expect him to respond sympathetically, but I wouldn't expect him to remember that date either.

This kind of thing matters a lot to some people and hardly at all to others. So it's really only an issue when one person has expectations/needs that the other person doesn't understand or know about.

I agree w/ the pp that if you need acknowledgement it's a good idea to be clear about that.

[Anonymous]

I have no clue what my in-laws birthdays are. I know the month because it is the same month as mine. If not for that, I likely would not know the month. My FIL died this summer and I’m not hunting down the date for this coming fall to do anything.

My mother died and her birthday is our wedding anniversary. It sometimes comes up because of that, but my husband isn’t doing anything special or sensitive around it. We go out and celebrate our anniversary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I think that's asking a lot.

If you are wanting support and comfort on that date, I think it's best to be direct and let them know.

This. Just tell him if you need the support. It's so hard to be a mind reader.

And no to answer your question. My DH's parent died when he was a kid. I don't know his birthday. I do remember (sometimes) the date of death and may ask him how he's doing but not all the time. It has been a few decades.

If you want him to remember, let him know ahead of time what you are planning to commemorate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expect him to remember the death anniversary not the birthday. He doesn't acknowledge the anniversary which was in the past few years and it upsets me.

I totally disagree. It’s one thing for you to say oh the anniversary is coming up and he acknowledges that for you, but to expect him to remember the date on his own is pretty unrealistic. (I have a dead mother).

On the flip side, he would absolutely expect me to remember every single year the date of his parents death until I die. So I thinks it's fair to expect the same of him.

[Anonymous]

Nope, neither of us remember the bday of the other’s deceased parent. I mean, I know his mom’s bday, but on that date I might not think of it. I would guess he does not even know for me. Which is fine by both of us, we acknowledge/remember in our own ways.
If you need it to be remembered, let him know. Put it on your family calendar or his calendar, communicate what you want to happen.
As a default, I would not expect him to know- so make your expectations known.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

No. And geeez I wouldn't want them to.
If I haven't thought when the day comes and as the day goes by, I would much rather someone else not remind me!

[Anonymous]

No. I don't expect my DH to remember the birthdays of my deceased father, step-father or 2 brothers. As a PP noted, they are not his milestones to remember. If I'm feeling weepy on those days, I share that with him and he's there for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh can barely remember my birthday. I would never expect him to remember my dead parents’ birthdays. That honestly sounds crazy to me.

Same. I don’t even know what DH’s dead parents’ birthdays were.