Are boarding schools more harmful than beneficial?

[Anonymous]

I went to boarding school at 14. I sure hope there are more supports now, because when I was there it was pretty Lord of the Flies - not because of bullying or anything, but just that the adults (to me) were sort of like the adults in Charlie Brown. They were there, but kids were the real voices in my head.

They did our laundry, but I had to carry it in a bag half a mile from my dorm to the laundry facility (in the winter in subzero temps). So most people did as much laundry as they could in the sink. The laundry also turned everyone's whites pink, since our school color was maroon and the school issued atheletic warm up pants bled in the wash.

No one checked if you went to meals, went to bed, got up for class, did your homework. I was too shy to go to meals alone and so my freshman year I subsisted on Snickers bars from the basement vending machine.

My kid is now the age I was when I left for boarding school. I am not sending him, because he doesn't want to go and he is in a fine school where he is. But I would send a kid who wanted to go and who would thrive with that level of independence. Some do. I eventually did. Took me a little floundering, but by the time I was a junior I was pretty much a grown up, and handled my life capably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many boarding schools have counsellors, staff, coaches and teachers that are there almost everyday to help students and support them. This does not reflect the real world where a young adult has to figure stuff out for themselves and be their own best counsellor.

Then there are the lavish facilities, trips and even laundry service. What, they even have people who do you laundry and neatly fold it up for you?

So here is my question why do mothers, yes it is usually the mothers, encourage their kids to attend these institutions?

I myself was a bit of a latchkey kid. I came home almost everyday to an empty home. However, it wasn't a problem. I wasn't lonely, especially as I got older. I developed study habits independently and did my homework because it needed to get done. I also had time to rest, relax and have a snack after a long day of school.

Oh, and by the way my mom was quite wealthy. Not that this matters, but I am certain I would get a few posts saying "I'm glad I wasn't poor like you".

I don’t know many people who encourage their children to attend boarding school unless they are:
(A) struggling in some way (substance abuse/anxieties/ dysfunctional home life);
(B) learning differences such as ADHD not being supported well in regular school: or
(C) living in developing country/ remotes area for work and not happy with the local schools.

I don’t think it is that common in major urban areas such as DMV where there are many good school choices, both public and private and many forms of therapy available. But there are some private schools here that take boarders and day students (St Albans, Sandy Springs Friends, Madeira and Episcopal High School for example). I believe that often the reason is parents are working abroad or would have a very long commute.

This research out of Australia found comparable educational outcomes between boarding and day school students.
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.608949/full

This is just not true.

In DC boarding is not popular, but in New England and New York it is very, very common. Like, of my private K-8 class in Boston of 30 kids, only 4 didn't attend a boarding school. And this is still the case today. Your understanding of the boarding school world is limited.

Additionally, I would say most of the day student (public or private) kids with whom I attended college struggled far more with independence than the boarding school kids did freshman year. You make your own choices at boarding school in a wide variety of areas because you don't have parents on top of you in so many ways. Boarding schools give kids a lot of structure, but then withing that structure, kids make their choices.

So you have classes, then dinner, then study hall then lights out (for younger students) at X time- but beyond that, kids have total freedom to do actual homework or screw around, actually go to sleep or stay up, eat crap food or healthy food, etc. No parent actually checking to see if homework is complete or that they ate 5 bags of chips for dinner.

That said, its not for everyone or every kid. And its very expensive. I likely won't send my kids to boarding school because in DC its not common and its really far coming from down here to get to the good schools. But its still a wonderful experience and option worth looking at for many families.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, but I don't need my 14 year old to be independent, and I don't care if they go to HPY when they are older, that is not the goal for having kids. I want my kids at home with me. My DD is a Freshman this year and it was like my 18 years were up and he is gone, the time flew by. I am sure it works for some people, but I do not see the purpose of shipping my kids off and seeing them at holiday's. That is not why I became a parent. P.S. I never did a load of laundry until I went to college...not hard, I figured it all out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many boarding schools have counsellors, staff, coaches and teachers that are there almost everyday to help students and support them. This does not reflect the real world where a young adult has to figure stuff out for themselves and be their own best counsellor.

Then there are the lavish facilities, trips and even laundry service. What, they even have people who do you laundry and neatly fold it up for you?

So here is my question why do mothers, yes it is usually the mothers, encourage their kids to attend these institutions?

I myself was a bit of a latchkey kid. I came home almost everyday to an empty home. However, it wasn't a problem. I wasn't lonely, especially as I got older. I developed study habits independently and did my homework because it needed to get done. I also had time to rest, relax and have a snack after a long day of school.

Oh, and by the way my mom was quite wealthy. Not that this matters, but I am certain I would get a few posts saying "I'm glad I wasn't poor like you".

Huh?

I went to boarding school and nobody held my hand at all! Yes there was laundry service, but lots of parents do their kids laundry.

I learned time management skills -- no one there to remind me to do homework, or stop watching TV, or hang out with my friends. I learned to live with people who were very different from me, including one year an AA girl from Florida, and another year a very wealthy daughter of a federal judge. I learned I had to eat at mealtimes, no in between snacks. I learned to find interesting things to do on the weekends since there was no mall, like what my friends did back home. I learned to solve problems vis-a-vis my peers b/c that is where most of the "support" comes in at boarding school -- from student leaders.

In fact, I would argue that boarding school teaches you independence the way the first year of college does. Now am I sending my kid? No. But I don't think you understand the culture of boarding school at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, but I don't need my 14 year old to be independent, and I don't care if they go to HPY when they are older, that is not the goal for having kids. I want my kids at home with me. My DD is a Freshman this year and it was like my 18 years were up and he is gone, the time flew by. I am sure it works for some people, but I do not see the purpose of shipping my kids off and seeing them at holiday's. That is not why I became a parent. P.S. I never did a load of laundry until I went to college...not hard, I figured it all out!

BS is definitely not about getting into HYP anymore. I would guess it is probably harder to get into these schools from BS nowadays.

And parenting is not about you -- it is about what is best for your child. It's great if your child thrives in a local public or private school, but some kids need and want the BS experience for a variety of reasons.

Try to be less judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was similarly left to my own devices and never learned independent study habits until I had to in college, and they're still not very strong. I have ADHD that nobody picked up on so I had no support. If I had gone to a boarding school my life would have turned out for the better I'm sure, not that I would have wanted to at that age.

How exactly can someone with ADD or ADHD study in an environment full of kids (large boarding house, study hall, etc.). I would be much more productive at home in a quiet room with no TV, etc.

Many boarding schools have extra supports for students with LDs, supervised study hall after school every day, access to learning specialists in early evening. It definitely works well for some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many boarding schools have counsellors, staff, coaches and teachers that are there almost everyday to help students and support them. This does not reflect the real world where a young adult has to figure stuff out for themselves and be their own best counsellor.

Then there are the lavish facilities, trips and even laundry service. What, they even have people who do you laundry and neatly fold it up for you?

So here is my question why do mothers, yes it is usually the mothers, encourage their kids to attend these institutions?

I myself was a bit of a latchkey kid. I came home almost everyday to an empty home. However, it wasn't a problem. I wasn't lonely, especially as I got older. I developed study habits independently and did my homework because it needed to get done. I also had time to rest, relax and have a snack after a long day of school.

Oh, and by the way my mom was quite wealthy. Not that this matters, but I am certain I would get a few posts saying "I'm glad I wasn't poor like you".

Huh?

I went to boarding school and nobody held my hand at all! Yes there was laundry service, but lots of parents do their kids laundry.

I learned time management skills -- no one there to remind me to do homework, or stop watching TV, or hang out with my friends. I learned to live with people who were very different from me, including one year an AA girl from Florida, and another year a very wealthy daughter of a federal judge. I learned I had to eat at mealtimes, no in between snacks. I learned to find interesting things to do on the weekends since there was no mall, like what my friends did back home. I learned to solve problems vis-a-vis my peers b/c that is where most of the "support" comes in at boarding school -- from student leaders.

In fact, I would argue that boarding school teaches you independence the way the first year of college does. Now am I sending my kid? No. But I don't think you understand the culture of boarding school at all.

That is what I would have thought, we are considering for daughter if she wants to but she does not want to be so far from me. A big plus for me would be learn8ng more independence - but only if student can handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many boarding schools have counsellors, staff, coaches and teachers that are there almost everyday to help students and support them. This does not reflect the real world where a young adult has to figure stuff out for themselves and be their own best counsellor.

Then there are the lavish facilities, trips and even laundry service. What, they even have people who do you laundry and neatly fold it up for you?

So here is my question why do mothers, yes it is usually the mothers, encourage their kids to attend these institutions?

I myself was a bit of a latchkey kid. I came home almost everyday to an empty home. However, it wasn't a problem. I wasn't lonely, especially as I got older. I developed study habits independently and did my homework because it needed to get done. I also had time to rest, relax and have a snack after a long day of school.

Oh, and by the way my mom was quite wealthy. Not that this matters, but I am certain I would get a few posts saying "I'm glad I wasn't poor like you".

Huh?

I went to boarding school and nobody held my hand at all! Yes there was laundry service, but lots of parents do their kids laundry.

I learned time management skills -- no one there to remind me to do homework, or stop watching TV, or hang out with my friends. I learned to live with people who were very different from me, including one year an AA girl from Florida, and another year a very wealthy daughter of a federal judge. I learned I had to eat at mealtimes, no in between snacks. I learned to find interesting things to do on the weekends since there was no mall, like what my friends did back home. I learned to solve problems vis-a-vis my peers b/c that is where most of the "support" comes in at boarding school -- from student leaders.

In fact, I would argue that boarding school teaches you independence the way the first year of college does. Now am I sending my kid? No. But I don't think you understand the culture of boarding school at all.

Agreed. OP doesn't know the boarding school experience at all clearly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, but I don't need my 14 year old to be independent, and I don't care if they go to HPY when they are older, that is not the goal for having kids. I want my kids at home with me. My DD is a Freshman this year and it was like my 18 years were up and he is gone, the time flew by. I am sure it works for some people, but I do not see the purpose of shipping my kids off and seeing them at holiday's. That is not why I became a parent. P.S. I never did a load of laundry until I went to college...not hard, I figured it all out!

Your post is 100% about your emotional needs and wants as a parent. I would encourage you to reflect on that, because setting boarding school aside that is a pretty sh$tty way to raise kids.

Maybe your kids aren’t right for BS. Cool. Most aren’t. For some kids (me included) it was life-changing. But either way I think it’s seriously screwed up to preemptively deprive your kid of something that may be right for them because of what you want and why you became a parent.

My own kids aren’t remotely the right fit for BS so I’m not planning to send them either. And I’m totally fine with that. But if that were the right fit for them, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Just like if they were chess prodigies or highly skilled athletes or had SNs that would really benefit from a particular school or other opportunity, we’d pursue that. The vast majority of kids I went to BS with were there because they really, really wanted to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many boarding schools have counsellors, staff, coaches and teachers that are there almost everyday to help students and support them. This does not reflect the real world where a young adult has to figure stuff out for themselves and be their own best counsellor.

Then there are the lavish facilities, trips and even laundry service. What, they even have people who do you laundry and neatly fold it up for you?

So here is my question why do mothers, yes it is usually the mothers, encourage their kids to attend these institutions?

I myself was a bit of a latchkey kid. I came home almost everyday to an empty home. However, it wasn't a problem. I wasn't lonely, especially as I got older. I developed study habits independently and did my homework because it needed to get done. I also had time to rest, relax and have a snack after a long day of school.

Oh, and by the way my mom was quite wealthy. Not that this matters, but I am certain I would get a few posts saying "I'm glad I wasn't poor like you".

Sounds just like living at home. I had someone who did the laundry and folded it up neatly for me. My mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many boarding schools have counsellors, staff, coaches and teachers that are there almost everyday to help students and support them. This does not reflect the real world where a young adult has to figure stuff out for themselves and be their own best counsellor.

Then there are the lavish facilities, trips and even laundry service. What, they even have people who do you laundry and neatly fold it up for you?

So here is my question why do mothers, yes it is usually the mothers, encourage their kids to attend these institutions?

I myself was a bit of a latchkey kid. I came home almost everyday to an empty home. However, it wasn't a problem. I wasn't lonely, especially as I got older. I developed study habits independently and did my homework because it needed to get done. I also had time to rest, relax and have a snack after a long day of school.

Oh, and by the way my mom was quite wealthy. Not that this matters, but I am certain I would get a few posts saying "I'm glad I wasn't poor like you".

In some cultures, it’s the norm. Rather rare in America unless you’re sending your kid to Phillips or something. We moved to the UK when DC was 13 and I remember the agent who was showing us around, asking about which school and is it a boarding school. In the UK families will send their kids as young as 8. I told her absolutely not. She asked why not. I said because I’m not done raising my child yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming you don’t mean schools like Andover, Choate Rosemary Hall, Exeter, Lawrenceville, et al? Brilliant, wealthy kids go there to get into Harvard, Yale and Princeton.

My daughter's friend and her sister went to Exeter. Her parents were middle income that just pushed education. They did well in private school and were offered acceptance in 9th grade. The thing is that those boarding schools are not that expensive. Considering they cover all of their food, room and board on top of education, extracurriculars, and sports. It is MUCH cheaper than going to Sidwell, GT Day, and paying for transportation, their food, their extracurriculars, etc... Trust me

That said, this sweet girl went on to do A LOT of dugs at Exeter. I mean a lot. Shocking. She kinda turned it around her junior year and did better. Went to Wash U.

I guess it depends on the kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was similarly left to my own devices and never learned independent study habits until I had to in college, and they're still not very strong. I have ADHD that nobody picked up on so I had no support. If I had gone to a boarding school my life would have turned out for the better I'm sure, not that I would have wanted to at that age.

How exactly can someone with ADD or ADHD study in an environment full of kids (large boarding house, study hall, etc.). I would be much more productive at home in a quiet room with no TV, etc.

Not many distractions in a well-proctored study hall.

DP.

That sounds like a great place to sleep for someone with ADHD. Ask me how I know...

[Anonymous]

Parents still send their good kids to BS because they are too nerdy, geeky or wimpy. They want their child to be confident and stand tall.


Many BS kids act proper and charming in front of adults and then do shrooms when no one is looking…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents still send their good kids to BS because they are too nerdy, geeky or wimpy. They want their child to be confident and stand tall.


Many BS kids act proper and charming in front of adults and then do shrooms when no one is looking…

That is true. Biggest drink and drug problems ever are in boarding schools. And sex.